Believing in C - C is Me.

Happiness for me has an expiration date.

2011-06-06T16:31:00.003-03:00

On May 24th my mother had a massive heart attack and died. My mother who was only 58 years old and 126 pounds was taken from me.
Fourteen days ago I woke up, got ready for work and was making coffee when our phone rang at 4:30am. Cole & I tend to screen our calls anyway so we looked at each other. I answered. My aunt said sorry Candace but your mother had a heart attack and is on life support. Cole raced to work to tell them and while he was gone my brother called to say mom died.
Its so surreal to write these things and still it seems like it can't be real. Mom walked me down the aisle in Dominican just two short months ago. Then again at our reception here on May 14th. She cannot be gone.
Many friends and family flew home to the funeral and so many people have said she wouldn't have left until knowing you were okay-don't they realize if that is true I would go back in a minute and not get married, I would never let her know that my fiances are finally under control, anything to have my mom back.
People have the best intentions when they say things after a death but guess what? I don't want an angel forever I want my mom right now.
So many times over the last fourteen days I thought-if there had been some warning, anything to make it not so sudden-I know deep in my heart that wouldn't have made it easier-it just would have made the times we spent together wrenching. We had no idea and boy did we ever laugh-I made Mom laugh a lot and of that I am grateful.
I have cried what seems like hundreds of times in the last fourteen days and I don't know how I will ever get over this heartbreak. My mom's speech at my wedding was to give her grandchildren and one of the last conversations I had with her was that she was going to move up here with us and babysit our children while we worked, she wanted to buy me the baby bullet so I could make baby food and she was coming in the delivery room.
My heart is just sick thinking of doing any of these things without my mom.

Two in one day?

2011-03-23T17:01:00.002-03:00

I finally got a family doctor and it turns out I have high blood pressure, a possible heart murmur and maybe a bad thyroid.

I have to go for blood work next month and monitor my bp. Imagine what it would have been if I hadn't lost those 72 pounds. It really is unbelievable.

I have been overweight and dieting for years and while I've been on a roll since January I am really tired sometimes.

Don't get me wrong. I really enjoy working out now. I do the precor and treadmill, the machines, classes, etc. I try to increase my levels and speeds once a week or so and now I am working out harder than most of the "skinny" people at my gym.

The thing that bothers me is the food situation. I pretty much have to follow a diet right to the letter, and exercise a ton to drop the weight. My dream is to be able to follow something all week and eat what I want (within reason) on the weekends. Wouldn't that be lovely?

Maybe once my thyroid results come in and the wedding is over things with settle down a bit and I won't feel so jumpy-

We leave a week from today and I am beyond excited.

Update!

2011-03-23T16:40:00.003-03:00

Hi Anyone and Everyone.
For those of you who were kind enough to email and message me-thanks so much. I'm so sorry I've been a total flake.
I can't even remember when I last posted but here is an update on me. Starting in November I went and got my dress, ate badly until January 4th-got on the scale and had gotten back up to 223pds, starting exercising at the gym, eating good and yesterday I weighed in at 196pds.
I leave in exactly one week for the wedding and get married on April 2nd. Though I'm not at goal I am really excited about what I was able to do. In total from when I got engaged I have lost 72 pds.
Hope all is well with my peeps and I seriously plan to get into this again when the excitement dies down.

Hormones?

2010-12-02T15:07:00.006-04:00

Hi Everyone,
Thanks so much for the comments and for not giving up on me. I don't really know whats going on with my head right now but I'm just not feeling it.

It being the gusto for losing weight. What to eat, how much, measuring, blogging, exercising, etc has been something I have been struggling with.

The reason I guess is that I've been dieting on a off for over half my life and I'm still fat. I know I have made great strides and that has pleased me but I just can't explain.

Right now is when most people would be going nuts to lose weight for the wedding and all I want to do is eat-what is wrong with me? I feel like I've gained about 15 pounds in the last month and honestly I'm afraid to get on the scale.

In the last month I've had a big fight with my mom because she couldn't come to get my wedding dress with me-something we had planned since January and I went to get my dress all by myself. I'm so in love with it but something that was supposed to be a happy day was just a wash. I know I shouldn't be complaining-many people have it a lot worse-maybe I am just super hormonal-who knows?

Anyways I am going to try and get updated with everyone's blogs-missed you all so much-my computer is on and off on the fritz so it may take days-haha.

Love you all

Need to find some motivation~

2010-11-05T03:22:00.002-03:00

I weighed in today and lost 1 pd. Its all good. I feel really unmotivated right now for some reason so I was happy with a loss. I really don't know what to say-I want to eat all day and not exercise. It may be the weather I don't know. Its freaking freezing here and I have lost my mojo.

On a brighter note my mom is coming today til Sunday. Its not really for the best reason cause she is basically being forced to move back to Canada. My mother and Stepfather have both had surgeries and medical problems over the last couple of years and financially they can't take the risk of accumulating more bills. In Canada their medical will be taken care of so its a no-brainer.
They actually should have moved years ago but its a hard decision to make.

She is actually going to be even harder to visit now because she will be like 14 hours away via car and boat while right now she is 6 hrs away-bummer~

Anyways she will be here for 2 days and hopefully back in a couple of weeks to go down for black Friday with Cole & I.

Here's hoping we all find the motivation we need this week~

Kicking my own butt~

2010-10-29T03:08:00.004-03:00

Today I weighed in and stayed the same again this week. I have to get my act together. I can feel myself slipping. I don't know what is wrong with me.

The past two weeks I haven't eaten in the first couple of hours after waking. I just get ready for work and once there have a coffee. Its something I know is wrong and somehow I just do it.

I know I haven't been eating right because for me I need to eat every couple of hours to boost my metabolism but I just don't have the motivation or something.

I want to feel good trying to find my wedding dress so for the next 24 days I have to really kick it into overdrive and make good decisions.

I vow right here and now to do my best to eat every few hours, stock the house with lots of healthy food and eat breakfast :)

Recap~

2010-10-25T14:46:00.002-03:00

This past week has been a blur and then the weekend sorta sucked. We went to Cole's parents place on Thursday for his fathers birthday. It was a little normal, haha. Got home later than usual and had to make stuff for Cole's bosses party at work. Hardly got any sleep.

I didn't weigh myself because I slept through my alarm and was running late. Friday I eat flex points with my friend from work so I have forgone my weigh in til next Friday.

Friday night we went in for overtime and I had an upset tummy all night. Must be a touch of the stomach flu or something.

I lazed around all day on Saturday and on Sunday I made the rest of my place cards for the wedding. So far we have 13 people booked at the resort for the wedding. Not too bad. Many more are saying maybe.

We go on vacation in three weeks and are going to the black Friday sales and to get my wedding dress, so excited!!!

Staying the same-this week :)

2010-10-15T02:48:00.001-03:00

I weighed in and stayed the same this week. I wasn't surprised. This week was weird.

I only got to two classes because I was having a tooth/ear ache thing on Wednesday and Thursday I had my appointment with my credit counsellor.

This week is so different because Cole finally got on a day shift with me. He had a really hard time Monday/Tuesday but I think he's finally getting into the swing of things and he's gonna be pumped to get off work early today and then have until Monday morning.

Have to catch up on my other blogs now that I'm getting used to Cole being around-haha.

Results

2010-10-08T03:38:00.002-03:00

I was so frightened to weigh myself today. I did everything right. I did four aerobic classes, walked on my breaks at work, ate my correct points, etc. Bam..... I lost 2.5 pds. I'm totally stoked. My hard work paid off. Though it wasn't really that hard. I'm loving the classes so much that I look forward to them and do anything not to miss them. That is, apparently, the key for me.

I need to exercise to drop good numbers but I need to enjoy my exercise to stick to it. Thank God I joined the gym!

We are both going in for overtime tonight and we are working on Thanksgiving too to get the holiday pay. Its hard working so much but will be totally worth it to buy lots of new clothes on black Friday. Can't wait.

I'm just so happy to have lost that weight you don't even know. I told Cole yesterday if I didn't lose this week that I was going to donate my body to science so they could research how someone can do everything right and still not lose-haha.

Have a great weekend~

Woo hoo~

2010-10-07T04:16:00.003-03:00

Just a quick post to let you all know I'm feeling better.

I also wanted to let you know about a few things I just started noticing about my weight loss:

I am now able to fit into some of my old clothing that was always too small before
I lost almost an inch around my ankle-noticed this with my ankle bracelet
Am now able to go in another loop on my bra

How exciting is that???

Seeing red~

2010-10-06T04:11:00.002-03:00

Yesterday was a really bad day. I got home from work and Mom called to say my brother and family will not be going to the wedding.

The reason is that my niece has allergies to peanuts and stuff. I'm just super disappointed and really a little pissed.

Of course I totally understand the allergy thing but all along it was can't wait to go and we'll have to see what they do about allergies, etc.

So we finally book the day before yesterday and now they can't go. Maybe if they had told me beforehand I would have changed my mind.

Also my mother and husband have all these medical bills and stuff and are now moving back to Canada but they will now be even farther away from me than before.

For the last year or so we had it all worked out that Mom & I would pick out my dress in New Hampshire. So now she is moving to Canada this month. Since we have known, about two months, we (me and Cole) have been rearranging plans.

We figured that Cole would drive the 8 hours to pick her up, drive back the 8 hours the next day or so later we would drive to New Hampshire and stay 4 nights-with us paying for everything.

So now Mom says I don't know if I will be able to go since we will have just moved. You wanted me to help pick out your wedding dress is that it? Like it was the first time hearing it.

I'm seeing red right now. We should have just eloped. So I guess I will pick out my dress by myself and walk myself down the aisle-nice.

Well yesterday instead of just getting mad and eating-I went to my step aerobics and worked out my aggression-something I wouldn't have done in the past and then I came home, had supper, and went to sleep~

Planning done~

2010-10-05T04:00:00.003-03:00

Well people here we are into another week. Its crazy how fast the time is going.

Cole & I have finally finalized our wedding plans and picked a resort. Its the Bavaro Princess All Suites Spa & Casino in Punta Cana.

We are beyond excited and we are finally feeling a bunch of the stress leaving us. I was feeling stress because people wanted to know where, when, etc.

Then we make this decision and everyone is saying omg I can't believe we have to decide now and need to make a deposit, etc. People (our families) are just crazy its really hard to take. We told them over a year ago to save and now some of them haven't.

But either way we are going to have an awesome time-can't wait.

I haven't let my weight gain discourage me and I did my Body Combat yesterday and today is Body Step-so love it~

:(

2010-10-01T03:55:00.003-03:00

I gained 3 pounds. I didn't know what my body would do after the detox but I had no idea it would do this.

I take comfort in the fact that I feel so good. I'm on my period too so maybe that is in the weight gain too.

I'm continuing with the working out and will see where it leads. Do you think I should eat any activity points? I don't but am wondering if I should.

No longer phoning it in~

2010-09-30T04:08:00.002-03:00

Today my body is so sore. I really gave it my all the last two days at aerobics. I figure I will try a little bit more each week to step it up. Now I'm paying for it-haha.

I really have to say that other than being in pain I am just so happy and content right now. I'm so pleased that I joined the gym and finished the detox.

The detox was so super hard but really gave me a newfound appreciation for food. Before the detox I always had a strong craving for all kinds of bad foods daily. Even on days I did eat the right number of points they weren't always the best points. Weekends were especially brutal.

Doing the detox for three weeks now makes everything I eat taste so good. Just a simple bowl of high fiber cereal with skim milk tastes really delicious and sweet.

Coming home from work and packing lunches is no longer a huge struggle for me I just pack them eat a yogurt and I'm fine.

The detox isn't for everyone but for me it was great.

I was really apprehensive about joining the gym. In the past I would join and either not go or join and phone it in when I was there. I thought this time I would too.

I decided to totally change my attitude when going to the gym. I no longer feel like this embarrassed fat girl. I pay my membership like everyone else and I deserve to be there.

I walk in with my head held proud and I give eye contact and smile. Most of the guys there are so busy looking at themselves in the mirror anyways-haha.

I'm totally loving it. The classes are so fun, the music is awesome and I know for a fact I am pushing myself 100 times harder than I ever would at home. I'm so glad this time is different.

Setting Goals.

2010-09-28T04:15:00.004-03:00

I'm feeling really sore today from yesterday's Body Combat class. I must have kicked butt-haha. I've been asked by Katie what my new goals are gonna be. Honestly I really don't know.

I don't want to get too tied to the scale and discouraged since I'm working out a lot. I will have to post so more pics soon.

I guess by the end of November I would like to have another 10 pounds gone-that would be lovely. I can't wait to buy some new clothes in November at the black Friday sales-gonna be fun I hope.

Today is Kelly's procedure-praying for a miracle.

Weight Loss and a cake~

2010-09-27T03:28:00.002-03:00

The detox is over. YAH! I weighed in and lost another pound. I was both happy and sad at the same time. I was happy because all week I could hardly bring myself to eat since all the food was so gross to me by then and I didn't feel like I was going to lose anything. Along the same line I was sad that I went all week eating hardly anything I liked, exercising and only losing 1 pound. My pic of the scale is getting worse because you can't see the 200 and the 2 at the same time. Guess I'll just have to go into the 190's to make it easier-haha. So hard to believe I'm getting so close to Onederland. Its scary though because I don't want to get my hopes up and start messing up this roll I've been on.

The gym is still awesome and I can't wait to get there today @ 4:30. What a change it is to actually enjoy exercise. I don't feel really big and heavy doing aerobics either-its so strange. You would think it would be one of the hardest exercises being overweight but I can keep up so I probably sell myself short and I probably can do a lot of other exercises too.

Kelly is now in Poland for her operation. She left on Friday and her operation is tomorrow. This past Tuesday I made her and Rodney this cake:
Its a four layer Walnut, Praline Cake with Homemade Cream Cheese Frosting with Chocolate Fudge Frosting in between the layers. Kelly & Rodney both have the biggest sweet tooth you could imagine-even worse than mine. Kelly called me 4 times on Tuesday night to talk about how much they loved it and her mom emailed me too. haha. I love feeding people who love food.

All weekend I watched Cupcake Wars and Unwrapped. It made me think more and more about someday opening a bakery. Maybe a Cupcake Bakery. Maybe someday when my financial situation is finally cleaned up.

Anyways I should be off. Today is the day I get to have coffee for the first time in 21 days. Sandra and I are having Subway for lunch too and then its back to Weight Watchers for me. 9 pounds in 3 weeks is great for me but if I do end up doing this detox again before the wedding I'm pretty sure I'll only do it for 2 weeks.

The end is near~

2010-09-24T04:05:00.003-03:00

I am three days away from this detox being over!!! I am so happy that the end is near. I have had the worst cold this week. Really bad earaches, sore throat, stuffy nose. Being sick while on the detox has been challenging cause I want comfort food.

I did three aerobic classes so far this week-still loving them. Sandra & I are having Subway on Monday and I'm living for it-haha.

Onto week three~

2010-09-20T03:49:00.003-03:00

Well everyone I'm really excited because I lost 4 pds again this week. This detox diet can be really hard but I haven't lost this great ever so I guess its worth it.

This past week I've had lots of energy and I did four classes of aerobics in a row-Mon, Tue, Wed, & Thur. The plan is to do it again this week. The classes are so fun and the music is awesome.

All week Cole is looking at me really different and he said I'm starting to look like a different person. My clothes feel a lot looser and it feels great.

I went out and bought a new pair of workout pants the kind that is really thin so it will be easier to move in them-the one's I wore all week had me hauling them up in the back during the workout. I hemmed them yesterday morning and they look and feel great. I also bought this wicked sports bra from Walmart for only $17 that is actually big enough to cover my chest and gives me support :)

I have a nasty cold right now-lots of people have it at work but all in all I have to say life is pretty good right now. Jerry is out of the hospital and mom said he is walking a couple of times a day-seems like this scare might have changed him-hopefully.

Kelly leaves on Friday for her operation-she got lots of money at her fundraiser so that is great.

I was really missing cheese on this diet-we can only have goat's milk cheese. So on Saturday Cole found me Feta Cheese made from goats milk. We had omelette's yesterday morning using it-so good and then I baked some chicken with Feta on top-great again-this will make this week easier :)

Bye for now peeps~

Week coming to an end

2010-09-17T04:16:00.003-03:00

Well people I think I got it-finally. The exercise bug. I love the aerobics at the gym. Yesterday Kelly called me last minute to go to the hospital with her and I said yes.

Afterwards I was freaking because I wanted to be quick so I could workout. Before I would have been like wow awesome an excuse not to workout-even if I had the time.

Yesterday was Body Attack and man at one point I felt like I was going to puke. My calves are still pretty sore but I feel great.

I've been eating the same thing pretty much everyday so this detox is boring for me-hoping Monday when I weigh in I see another loss.

We are doing overtime tonight and relaxing tomorrow-at least that is the plan as of right now.
Have a great weekend.

Update~

2010-09-14T18:37:00.004-03:00

Just a little update to let you know I'm loving the gym. I just got back from a Body Step class and yesterday I did Body Combat.

I'm proud that I have the stamina to stay up with everyone and my step co-ordination will catch up (hopefully).

I'm sticking hard to the detox even though it is super boring.

Better go the sweat is dripping over my eyelids....

Week 1 complete~

2010-09-13T03:41:00.002-03:00

This is now my second week of the detox. I weighed myself and I lost 4 pds. I am now into the 200's-finally!!!

This weekend was especially hard to follow the detox because my stepfather got admitted into the ICU on Friday night and Cole & I rushed to New Hampshire to be with them.

Mom called on Friday night and Cole came home from work and we just shoved clothing into bags, grabbed our passports and were off. I didn't think to pack my detox needs.

They didn't know if he would make it through the night so the 5 1/2 hr drive was grueling. Sitting there thinking about mom being scared and all alone was excruciating.

We made it in around 4:30 and Jerry was still pretty bad. Jerry & I have sometimes had a tumultuous relationship but seeing him hooked up to everything and disoriented was really sad and frightening.

Saturday was the longest day in history and my main focus was trying to get my mother to eat and grab a bit of rest. Finally she succumbed to my nagging and ate.

Saturday afternoon Jerry finally took a turn for the better. Turns out that he has gone undiagnosed with sleep apnea for years and years. So his brain hasn't been getting enough oxygen for years and years. That could explain why he doesn't have any energy. I guess that is why he drinks so much water and ice tea. He brain tells his body he is thirsty, etc and that is why his sodium was so dangerously low. Crazy.

Finally by Saturday night we were out of the woods. So all day Saturday I managed to have some scrambled eggs in the morning, a few banana's and later a salad.

Sunday I went to McDonald's and asked for a Mcgrill with no sauce. We are heading down the road and as I am picking the meat off to eat it I notice she put in Mcgrill xtra sauce-seriously ppl! Anyways thankfully it wasn't touching the chicken.

So there you have it we came back yesterday and I felt horrible leaving mom but Jerry is doing so much better now so that is good. Wish they would give us a day or so off for when someone is so sick in your family but c'est la vie.

Onto day five~

2010-09-10T03:49:00.004-03:00

Today is day 5 of the 21 day detox. I'm feeling great. My headaches are gone and my ring feels looser (could be in my head). This diet is really hard for me only because I guess I'm a fussy eater. There aren't much things on the list I enjoy eating.

The one good thing is that I'm not as interested in food now. Before when I had food in front of my I would eat it because it was there but now I eat a bit and then will push it away if I don't want more. I think this detox is really good for me to learn portion control. Now I know that no I can walk away from the food before my plate is empty.

I joined Good Life this week and so far I love it. On Wednesday I went to Body Pump and ran in to an old co-worker/friend I used to work with so that rocked especially since it was my first time going. The class was awesome but I haven't walked the same since. I'm like Bambi the first time standing-haha.

Tonight Cole is going in for overtime and I'm going to the gym (yes you read right) Imagine me going to a gym on a Friday night-haha. Then I'm making cakes for Kelly's fundraiser-they are having a silent auction.

Have a great weekend peeps. I'm not weighing myself til Monday to better see the detox for exactly one week.

This is the other painting that Cole did for Kelly's auction-its too pretty to give away. Man he is the total package-he's hot, considerate, does housework and is super talented. I'm a lucky girl~

Day 1 & 2 of 21 Day Detox Done~

2010-09-08T04:09:00.002-03:00

Today is the 3rd day of my Detox and it cannot be worse than the first two days. The first day I mostly experienced heartburn and I didn't get a headache until around 7pm and I go to bed around 8-9pm anyways to wake up early for work.

The second day I had a headache the whole day and even contemplated leaving work to go home. I took pills but they didn't even take it away.

Today is so far so good but then again I just woke up-haha. I really miss my coffee and my sauces. I am a slave to sauces I guess.

I joined the Good Life gym on Monday and right now my ribs and stomach are so sore I could just die. So far so good with the gym too-haha.

Sandra felt really crappy yesterday too. Its really so surprising how your body gets affected by going off of "bad" things. I only drink one coffee a day but it must be a doozy.

Today I go to work, go to the gym and I can't wait to sleep. This detox isn't that exciting and I'm already dreading the weekend. I am excited that I can have corn though-yummy.

Please let this drop off a few pounds.

T Minus 1

2010-09-05T14:54:00.003-03:00

Well tomorrow is it. I start my 21 day detox and join the gym. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared. I am. But totally in that happy-nervous way-the butterfly thingy.

Friday after work Sandra and I went to the Bulk Barn and Grocery store to stock up on some veggies, almonds, gluten free cereal, soy milk, etc. This detox is restricting as well as expensive.

I'm looking forward to the effects it will have on my body to go without some of the things that are a staple of my everyday life. Coffee is the thing I know 100% I will miss the most. Not only for the caffeine which of course will be missed and will show its side effects but mostly because of the ritual I have programmed with it.

Coffee is a beautiful color, smell, its so warm. I drink it first thing when I get to work when my co-worker friends and I are working and talking about what we did the evening before. I miss it already.

I know that it will be a big effect to give up red meat. Red meat is something I eat a lot. Its often cheaper than chicken and easy to prepare and goes in many dishes.

Sugar, chocolate and many of the carbs I'm used to will be a huge adjustment too. Even when counting points I can rely on some low point carbs to get me though.

Giving up cheese is another huge thing for me. I love it and eat it every single day-no fail. It would totally be one of my desert island food-no contest.

I have total faith that these changes will allow me to lose some weight. Joining a gym is always a scary thing for me and especially tomorrow since I'll be all by myself. I am excited about that though because I think I often used chatting with my friends as a way to avoid pushing myself too hard. I plan to get in there and sweat. I don't care what I look like to anyone but to me and Cole on our wedding day.

Weight loss, Detox and a gym membership

2010-09-03T03:40:00.002-03:00

Hello everyone. I'm excited because I lost 1.5 pds. I am now 211.5 and pretty close to breaking into the 210's. I'm also excited because my friend Sandra and I have decided to do the Dr. Joshi 21 day Detox. I just heard about it on one of my favorite blogs Skinny Me.

Also on Monday I am joining the Good Life gym. Cole has been going there for months and I can get a family add on rate with him. I really need to kick it into gear with the exercise. Seemingly I will find any and every excuse possible. It really works out too cause we just found out that Cole has a day shift starting Sept 20 so we can go together. People I'm about to lose some weight I can feel it.

I'm getting really pumped. I can't believe that Cole will finally be off nights after 5 long years. He needs this so bad. Nights were starting to get really bad for him. He always tries to stay in good spirits but I know it was really getting him down.

So I decided on the Joshi Detox because unlike many detoxes or cleanses on this one you can actually eat and chew food, haha. I'm a little scared about giving up coffee but I gave up all soda 5 years ago July and after a week of the shakes I felt great-haha. I used to drink a lot of soda though and only drink one coffee a day so that should be good.

I'm interested to see if I will lose weight like this. I think it will be wonderful because when dieting I might have the right amount of points but they can use a tweaking-not all my points go to the healthiest things.

It will be challenging to do this detox now with the Frex coming, an exhibition that has all the rides and all the bad food. And next week is the fundraising for Kelly's surgery so there will be a ton of food and stuff but I'll just bring my own. I think I will do pretty good having someone doing this with me. Sandra is not big by no means but misery does love company-haha.

Wish me luck people. We are going to buy some stuff after work and she wants to start on Monday.
I'll try and write down what I'm feeling and post a lot during the three weeks.

Debt & Solutions~

2010-08-29T12:58:00.005-03:00

Today is a super lazy day for me. I'm feeling under the weather. Its my tom and it sucks. I just got out of a hot bath but it didn't really seem to improve much-only made me really hot and uncomfortable-boo.

A couple of weeks ago I posted a blog called facing my past- here . It pretty much detailed how for years I was running from the financial mistakes I made in the past. So anyways we are putting in a proposal to pay it off and since its $15000 we are going to pay it off in full. The payments are $250 a month but Cole & I are going to do 2 overtime shifts a month each and pay $400 instead to pay it off more quickly.

It really is amazing how getting this all out in the open has been. I haven't stressed about it in weeks and it feels wonderful. For years I have blown this out of proportion in my head and maybe its even why I gained the majority of my weight.

Cole is an absolutely amazing man. He has never once said a thing against me having this debt. Its just okay honey what do we have to do and how can I help? Everyone should be so lucky to have a partner who truly loves them and wants to make their live easier. I said I could do 4 overtimes a month but he said no-we will do two each. We have decided that for the next couple of months we may do overtime every week to save up extra before our November vacation. We are going to New Hampshire for my wedding dress and he wants to save for a nice camera for the wedding.

I am in the process of applying to sell food at our Farmer's Market on Saturday mornings. I have always loved to bake and have a plan that for what I'm going to sell. It isn't this easy process that I thought it would be though. I guess the Department of Health has to approve of the food, the process, the area of preparation, etc. My plan is to prepare the food here so it will be determined whether or not they allow that since its an apartment.

We are getting ready to fund raise for Kelly's operation. They are having a silent auction, Bake sale, and a dance. Cole is donating two paintings. This is one of them. It is on an 11x14 canvas.

Cole is an amazing artist. He has sold his paintings in the past for up to $350. It takes him between 1-2 hrs to make a painting. I'll have to post more another day.

Have a great day everyone and my advice to anyone running from a problem is to address it asap. Its often way worse in our minds. Love all you~

Weigh in

2010-08-27T03:50:00.002-03:00

I weighed in today and lost another pound. I'm happy with that cause I feel like I'm starting my period so maybe it really is a bit more.

Tonight we are going in for overtime so it will be even easier to eat well cause Friday nights can be hard.

Insight~

2010-08-25T15:43:00.002-03:00

I just finished reading an amazing post from Katie J, you can find it here . It only occurred to me while reading her post that in all the years I've struggled with weight that I never even once thought to look up the definition for food addiction. Amazing.

Reading all about it really sheds light on some things. While I can't remember truly binging for many years now (since I was with my last boyfriend) I do have some of the characteristics listed.
- I have eaten when I was full
- I have eaten when I wasn't even hungry
- And the two biggest things for me is feeling quilt after eating and eating alone.

Eating alone or looking forward to eating alone is something I have struggled with for many, many years. I think it started 10 years ago when I was working crazy hours and in a long distance relationship. After working a long day or on my only day off I would shower, order a crazy amount of delivery and veg out with movies or tv.

This pattern became a real habit for me and I looked forward to it. It was ME time. I could finally relax. This problem escalated a year later when I moved to be with my long distance guy and figured out he wasn't the right guy. Only problem was I was financially trapped for many years and whenever I had a chance I would order in and eat alone.

I've gotten a lot better with this problem because now I am finally happy in my relationship and often get ME time, only now me time might be my walks, baths, crafts, cooking, etc.

The one main thing I have to work on is Sunday's. Sunday's can be a bummer because Cole has to sleep all day to work that night and I'm often bored and I notice I've been consuming way too many calories. I have a plan for this Sunday coming which involves exercise and making purses on my sewing machine.

The other problem - My need to feel guilt over food is one I struggle with often but I have managed to curb it some. Now I try and brush myself off and move on cause giving up isn't an option. One bad day shouldn't lead to move.

Thanks Katie for the inspiration-you are more important to me than you'll ever know.

Weight loss & Vitamins~

2010-08-20T03:30:00.002-03:00

Just a quick post to say I lost 1 pd this week and that for the last two weeks I've been taking a multivitamin, vitamin d and omega 3 fish oils everyday. I rock~

Working out~

2010-08-18T15:18:00.003-03:00

This week has been a good one for me. I've pretty much been watching my points and getting in some exercise.

Today I walked for 45 minutes and did a few exercises on my exercise ball that I found in my new Woman's Health magazine. Imagine having a body like that-wow-crazy. Do you ever wonder if women with super hot bodies realize it?

Kelly is in the process of getting everything prepared for her trip to Poland. We are going to help with the fundraising and I'm so excited for her-I pray everything works out for her and that she is able to walk again-that would be a miracle.

On another front remember a couple of weeks ago I brought up an issue of not getting things flowing through the system? Not being able to go so to speak. Well I am happy to say it is no longer a problem. I have 1/2 cup of fiber + bran flakes and 1/2 cup of fiber plus (both president's choice) and all systems are a go. It is really amazing how great I feel now.

I have loved summer to the fullest but I must say I'm sorta ready for it to be over. Not that I want winter but I do love fall and especially walking in the fall. Walking in the heat just about kills me.

Blaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

2010-08-13T03:41:00.002-03:00

I stayed the same this week. I'm getting really tired of not losing. This week I walked, a lot. A few days I ate more than I should and I don't know what it wrong with me.

Do I just not want it enough? Will I be happy as a fat bride? When faced with these questions I can just feel tears welling up so I know the answer.

I don't want to have a completely bummed out post so I want to let you know that my friend Kelly who has MS just found out that she is getting the surgery on her vein on Sept 28th. Many people who are having this surgery are now able to walk or are at least improving. So EXCITING!!!

Weigh in

2010-08-06T03:53:00.001-03:00

I weighed in this morning and I lost 1 pd. Not too bad. Getting ready for work now so gotta jet.

Facing the past.

2010-08-05T15:50:00.002-03:00

Today it is 31 degrees-its so freaking hot. I walked on my 15 min break and I was soaked when I got back to work. I wish I could work for a company that provides a gym but what can you do :(

I walked home but at least I had my air conditioner to look forward to. I've made a major accomplishment in my life last week: I finally faced my financial situation.

I made some bad financial decisions when I was 18 (ie student loans) and honestly I've been checked out ever since. In the last 5 years I've really taught myself how to handle my money, but I still didn't face my past. So I went to a financial advisor and it wasn't even as bad as I thought.

I pictured bankruptcy, complete embarrassment, etc but it turns out I found him easy to talk to and I will make payments and I will be able to pay it off way sooner than expected.

I sometimes wonder if a lot of my weight issues have to deal with my financial issues. I've stressed about this for so long that I can remember waking from a deep sleep and just trying to focus on something else. My moral is that your imagination is often way worst than reality so the best thing to do would be to face it and get it over with---it can suck big time but the weight that is off my shoulders is unimaginable.

Plain and simple

2010-08-05T04:06:00.002-03:00

I'm very proud of myself this week. I've walked three days in a row so far. Being a person who constantly surrounds herself with all things weight loss ie. blogs, magazines, podcasts, etc I think I tend to get overwhelmed.

I'm constantly thinking I should be doing this or that and when I can't I lose focus and get discouraged. My new way of thinking is this-I'm going to walk, every day. Plain and simple, I'm going to walk every day.

A neighbour who used to live by me lost 100 pds in a year by following ww and going for an hour walk every evening. Maybe after a while I will incorporate more or need to jazz it up but for right now I want to actually plan for something I can and actually will do.

Yesterday I walked on my 15 min break at work, I walked home, takes me 15 mins and then in the afternoon I walked for 1 1/2 hr. It looked like it was going to rain and I was excited because I love the rain but right when I started my walk it got sunny and hot-boo-but I didn't turn back I just kept going :)

Tourist

2010-07-30T03:46:00.005-03:00

Well I just weighed in and I stayed the same-I'll take it. After the weekend in Montreal I had I broke even. We ate what we wanted but we also walked-a lot.

Montreal is an amazing place. My only regret is that we didn't have more time to really explore it. We left home at 2am. We checked into our hotel around 10am and left to explore. Got back to our hotel around 3 or so-went for a swim and hung out. We were super tired from the long drive -8 hours-so we decided to just eat Tim's in our hotel room. Cole crashed and I watched 4 hours of DC cupcakes, Say yes to the dress and Cake Boss-I was in heaven.

This is the view from our hotel room. We had to change rooms three times by the way-we didn't like the hotel. It was clean and everything but the phone didn't work in the first room and the ac didn't work in the second. Wasn't good ac in the third but by that time we were exhausted from hauling our stuff back and forth-haha. The pool was also freezing-the kind where you cannot get used to it at all.

On Saturday morning we got up and Cole's grandparents came to meet us on the Metro. We didn't know the system so were a bit nervous. It was super easy. We went all the way to their Metro station and they took us around their home. Their home was beautiful and they showed us some stores and stuff but I was really nervous cause they seemed to want us to stay and we still had so much to see. We finally worked it all out and they took us for lunch and then back to the Metro. It was the best meal I ever ate-monte carlo potato-yummy.

We got back to our hotel and freshened up-had major swamp ass-haha. We went to the Basilica, the Botanical Gardens, Insectarium, Olympic Building, Biodome, everywhere.

Late on Saturday evening we came back to the hotel to shower and then dressed up and went down to the main strip with all the restaurants. We ate a roadside cafe and people watched. It was so much fun-they even had street performers.

We came back to our hotel and the city had fireworks-they were amazing.

The view from our hotel at night was really beautiful too.This is me dressed up for Saturday night. I didn't even try to straightened my hair because of the humidity and how curly it goes underneath.Now its a long weekend and we are going to Cole's mothers birthday party - sigh----
Help me make it through.
Update-we went to the party and the family acted normal for a change-haha-

A whole new goal~

2010-07-22T19:12:00.002-03:00

Today I weighted in since we are leaving for Montreal super early (2am) in the morning. I lost 2.5 pds. It probably would be a bit more since in the morning you are supposed to be lighter but I'm stoked anyways.

This past week I've done a little soul searching. I'm really wondering about my lack of motivation when it comes to dieting/exercising, etc. I'm still doing my break time walks at work but other than that I haven't done much. This week I didn't have the time since I've been helping my friend Kelly. She has MS and I've been helping her get to appointments at the hospital (putting her scooter together, etc)

Anyways all this soul searching has lead to a big decision. I've decided to change my goal weight from 128 pds to 150. I think for me it gets really discouraging to have so far to go. It seems never ending and therefore, unattainable. Of course once I get to 150 if I still feel I need to lose more I will continue on.

I'm really happy with this decision. As of today that would mean 65.5 left to go and it would be a total of 95.6 when all is said and done.

We leave for Montreal in the morning and I can't wait to see and do everything-so excited-so loving the hotel website (looks beautiful)

Faced the music~

2010-07-18T16:11:00.006-03:00

Well today was the day I decided to finally face the music. After not tracking for a whole month I gained 6 pds. I had thought it was going to be so much more so will I am disappointed in myself I am also relieved. I had myself convinced it was between 12-15 pds and I was so scared it was. My clothing was feeling tight and I just feel super bloated from way too much salt intake but I will work hard to get this back off, quickly.

So yesterday morning at 7am Kelly and Rodney picked us up and we were off to P.E.I-which is Prince Edward Island. This province has been beside me my whole life practically since I grew up in NF, went to school in NS and now live in NB-but I had never been there.

We went to Summerside, Cavendish, Kensington, etc, we had a blast. The only downfall is that we didn't get to go to Green Gables as it's not wheelchair accessible. More places have got to become wheelchair accessible-they are missing out on big time tourism.

Here is Cole & I outside the visitor center.Kelly & Rodney at a restaurant-great food and they even let us plug in Kelly's scooter for a battery charge.P.E.I is famous for Anne of Green Gables, it you haven't read the books or saw the movies you are missing out-Mom & I are obsessed with all things Anne-haha-Here is Cole being a super awesome sport to me-haha. So all in all this vacation was beyond awesome. I still have tons of pics to share later of it all. Hate to go back to work tomorrow but we are only working 4 days and then we are off to Montreal-very exciting again, hate that the concert was cancelled but we will definitely make the best of it.

Update-I'm pretty much dragging the wagon at this point~

2010-07-13T09:09:00.003-03:00

Well here it is....my update. The truth of the matter is that I fell off the wagon. I haven't posted in weeks because I'm ashamed. My family came to visit me and I had the best intentions to follow my plan. I would eat good all week and all the walking would be my exercise.

What actually happened was I allowed myself to only get 3 hours of sleep a night while they were here since mom was staying with us and I have to get up at 3:30am and I only went to my room around 12am. This led to me being way over tired, feeling sick and eating bad.

My aunts stayed for one week and my mom for two. We did have a great time and once I got a bit caught up on sleep on my days off it was better. But right now I'm on vacation and I am afraid to get on the scale. I know its up and I know its a lot. I'm disappointed in myself and I'm also bummed that other people can let it slip for a couple of weeks and not gain as much as me.

Thanks to everyone who commented for all your concern I am so grateful-you are what kept me from reaching for that extra iced capp. Once I get the nerve to face the music I will post the damage :(

I can't wait to read every one's blogs and the only reason I haven't is because mom was staying in our room with the computer and its way to annoying trying to read them off my ipod touch. I so miss everyone.

We did a lot of things while the family was here-the market, shopping, casino, bingo, swimming, bbq's, visiting, kings landing, etc. I so wish my mother would come live here with us. Every time I visit mom or she visits me I get sleep deprived and feel crappy because I only get to see here once or twice a year and don't want to miss a moment, if she lived here I wouldn't have to.

We got on vacation this past Friday and we spent the weekend camping-it was so much fun for sure and we went to Kelly & Rodney's pool yesterday. Today we are babysitting my friends baby and then probably going to the pool. This coming Saturday we are going to P.E.I for the day. I have never been and I can't wait. I wish mom was still here-she would love it so much and she can't get her husband to do anything fun.

Anyways once again thanks for all the concern, I appreciate it so much girls-you rock~

The stressful weekend ends~

2010-06-20T14:28:00.003-03:00

Well the weekend is drawing to a near. With mom arriving on Friday I am anxious for the week to speed along.

This past weekend was at first very stressful but it ended happily. We went in for overtime on Friday night to make some extra cash for when my family come. I usually have a nap on Friday but I was so nervous about visiting the in-laws that I couldn't calm down enough to sleep.

So I got off overtime at 3am on Sat and we slept about 4 hrs. We drove out to Cole's parents place and they were tense and stuff but we stayed 1 1/2 hrs. The conversation was just about everything going on in the family, etc. Then we left and we were almost home when I realised I forgot my purse there, bummer.

So we went to Kelly & Rodney's swimming and had a great time and then went out for Chinese with my friend Kim, this weekend we forgot out camera home, we are very forgetful.

We got home like 8pm and Cole's parents didn't even call to say my purse was there, he called to ask them if they would be coming in the next few days as they live 45 mins out of the city and she said I was just about to email you. They are really strange acting like they can't call or anything and then she wrote on Cole's facebook that she appreciated the visit. I told him that I have a feeling that she probably bad-mouthed me so much that she doesn't want to write on my wall because her friends will see it.

So there it is we tried, yet again, we will have to see how they act now-I have a feeling it will be same ole, same ole.

I don't know how I'm going to make it through this week waiting for mom to arrive, I'm too excited!!!

Thanks everyone for the comments on my last post-I never realised how many bowel experts I had right at my fingertips-I took some of your advice and things are getting a lot better.

The scale stayed the same.

2010-06-18T03:30:00.002-03:00

Well I weighed in and I stayed the same again. So much for my big goal but at least I didn't gain. Here's the thing-not to get graphic but
most of my food seems to be still with me. I've eaten lots of fiber, veggies, drank tons of water but nothing is happening. This has always been a problem for me but now more than ever.

This has been my breakfast all week-Fruit, fiber one cereal and flax seeds. Something has got to give soon.

Tonight both Cole & I are working overtime and than tomorrow we are visiting his parents for fathers day-oh joy oh bliss. Wish us luck.

Have a great weekend peeps~

Tired, oh so tired.

2010-06-16T17:57:00.005-03:00

My official vacation starts on July 9th and boy am I ready. I feel tired. So very tired. I'm tired of packing lunches, cooking suppers, wearing dress clothes, setting the alarm clock, hardly seeing Cole.

My mother and her sisters are coming to visit on the 25th of June and are they are all staying for a week, my mother may stay for a few days beyond that. I'm getting really excited to see them all.

Here is a pic of mom and myself in New Hampshire a couple of years ago-I have lost around 40lbs since that pic so that makes me feel good.

Speaking of being tired I just feel really tired with my "trying to lose weight" life. Its been 17 years and while I now feel this is more of a lifestyle change its still a hard thing to change in my mind.

I look around my office and I see woman of all sizes eating food with seemingly not thought. Woman coming back from the local coffee joint with muffins, donuts, whatever and I can honestly say that though in the past I may have eaten those things-it was always a huge thought of some sort and more than likely a negative one.

That's not to say that I wish I could eat like that all the time because, of course, I still want to be healthy but it would be nice not to have this voice over in my head every time I eat a bit.

Most of the blogs I am following regularly seem to have their act so together. Do any of you just feel tired like me?

The weekend went swimmingly~

2010-06-14T04:19:00.007-03:00

Well this past weekend both Cole & I worked overtime on Friday night. Got off work at 3am, came home and slept 4 hours.

We got up and went to my friends flyball tournament. The dogs race this lane and have to bring back a ball, very competitive and Sandra's passion. She has four very well behaved dogs.

Cole & I went out to lunch at Harvey's I had a grilled Chicken burger on a whole wheat bun then we headed Kelly & Rodney's for a swim and a bbq.

This pic sorta reiterates my need to work on my stomach-its looks like I'm pregnant.Cole looking hot eating a Jos Louis.I'm pretending to be a poolgirlKelly & Rodney are such great friends, we were there for like 5 hours and we didn't stop laughing the whole time. I leave you now with pics of my nephew Ben and my niece Gabby-they don't get cuter than this.

This weAk in review!

2010-06-10T03:58:00.005-03:00

I weighed myself tonight instead of tomorrow morning and it says I stayed the same. The morning would probably be lighter but I'm in a funk and wanted to get it over with. I'm supposed to be sleeping right now but I can't.Its crazy that this week is already almost over. This has been a hard week. I feel really tired. I didn't get much sleep over the weekend and was going to try and catch up on it Sunday but it didn't work so most of the week I just felt tired.

I like to come home from work and get in my workout in right away but I've been feeling like I had a dip in my blood sugar or something and had to stop twice-this is even after eating something before leaving work-really strange.

I'm still feeling tons of stress from this fight with the in-laws. They have made no contact other than her dropping in for 15 mins on Cole's birthday but now she is writing things on facebook again that we know are digs at us. Cole is seriously considering calling them and telling them he is done with the whole situation and he doesn't want anything to do with them.

I'm really torn because we have always been close to them and for one fight to explode like this is truly amazing. I guess I'm just in shock or something. I've never been one to enjoy conflict of any kind and this is tearing up my insides, just feel really queasy right now.

I told Cole that I always got the impression that they could cut people off really easily (like if they had disagreements with friends) but I never imagined it would be us, especially Cole. I just can't imagine how he would feel if they weren't at the wedding.

That is something else I am dealing with right now. We are pretty sure we are changing our travel agent. We didn't have anything major planned with the one we talked too yet but I sorta thought we would not really shop around. She got married in Dominican last year so I thought how perfect she can tell me a lot. To be honest, she hasn't.

We picked our first resort (that the parents stole) because of how classy it seemed and from the pics we were right. So anyways we settled on another one and she just came back this week with a high quote and said you can leave a deposit to hold it, no word about the wedding package, etc, anything, pertaining to what is included, etc. She also mentioned two other resorts that are nothing like what we want. I've asked her repeated questions about anything about her wedding that could help me, etc and got nothing.

So we sent our info to my cousin's best friend who's been a travel agent for close to 20 years and she seems really eager already. She told me our choice of resort was beautiful and they have awesome food. She wanted to know why we chose it and if we were open to others. I like that she seems to care what we want.

One good thing to come out of this week is that Cole surprised me with a new pair of workout pants. I had been using these old pair of yoga pants I got from old navy and they were too long so if I tried to run I would have to haul them up.

Its so strange but my dress pants I wear all the time our really baggy now so that I actually feel better in my workout clothes, haha. I'm already quite pleased with my rear view, its my stomach, inner thighs and my arms that need the most work now-any suggestions on the workouts you like the best are greatly appreciated!

Both Cole & I are going in for overtime tomorrow night so that makes it easier (yes, misery does love company) My friend Sandra from work is really into flyball (a sport for dogs) and they are having a tournament this weekend. I said I would drop down and they are having a bake sale so I made some choc chip cookie bars for her to make extra money.

Kelly emailed that they have the pool in this week so if its nice on Sat we will probably head over there for a couple of hours.

What type of things do you all do to get out of a funk? I so hate being down especially when it seems there is nothing I can do.

Moving in the right direction~

2010-06-04T03:36:00.002-03:00

I lost 1 pound this week. I kinda expected more cause my wii thought I lost 3.1-haha. Regardless I am pleased because a loss is a loss after all. I'm going in for overtime tonight so that sucks the big one but Saturday we are going to find a place to swim and Sat night we are going to watch some movies so I'm excited for that.

Have a great weekend everyone~

Awesomeness~

2010-06-03T16:51:00.006-03:00

This week has went by fast and its been a great one. A few weeks ago I wrote a post here that talked about how I am now viewing my dieting, exercise, etc as a lifetime change and honestly I've felt great ever since.

I don't know but it has all felt like something clicked. I feel happy in my own skin for the first time in such a long time. I find myself making more time for exercising and its just something natural now. I did great with my eating, even on the weekend, which has always posed problems for me. I guess I'm just proud. No matter what the scale says tomorrow morning I know I did myself proud.

This week two great things happened. I fit back into a pair of my dress pants that I haven't worn in years. In fact I remember the last time I wore them they were clinging so much to my thighs they looked too short-a really comfortable feeling I might add. Anyways now they are just right and even baggy in the legs.

And the other thing is that I can now fit into some of Cole's clothes. Here is a pic of me today before my walk wearing Cole's grey hoodie from American Eagle. I am truly excited and the smile is also because it is raining here and I'm a freak-I LOVE RAIN.Here is a pic of my current dream wedding dress-it changes often-hahaAlso I thought I would post a couple of hair styles I like so far - Which do you like the best?

A)B) C)In my last post I talked about wanting to set a big short term goal for myself and after putting much thought into it I decided to try to be under 200 by the end of June. This is a huge goal for me since it generally takes me a while to lose weight but I won't get discouraged if I don't so it can only help. Set any goals lately?

Inspiration~

2010-06-02T03:59:00.003-03:00

Hello fellow bloggies. I can't believe its Wednesday already-how is that possible? This past weekend we had a real blast. Kelly & Rodney came for supper on Friday I made Spaghetti Pie, Caesar Salad, Garlic Bread and Apple Crisp with Ice Cream for dessert. I hadn't eaten hardly all day but I still only had a normal sized portion. So on Friday night we went to bed around 11pm and slept til 11am-so awesome. Then we ran a few errands and headed out to K&R's to try out the pool. It was super hot out but the pool was cold-didn't stop Cole from getting in. They are getting a heater this week so maybe I will get in soon, haha.

We had a barbecue with K&R, we brought hamburgers and hot dog and they had potatoes and pork chops so we sort of all ate whatever. I was proud of my portion then too. Usually on the weekends I tend to go way overboard but I felt this time I didn't.

On Sunday morning's Cole & I usually go for a walk so this time I surprised him and told him I wanted to run for 1 min and walk for 3. And I did it for around 30 mins then we walked. My legs still feel sore-haha.

In the last couple of weeks I've really been getting inspired by Cinci she is so super motivated and is really making me want to do this for once and for all. I'm thinking of setting a big small term goal to get me motivated but am really thinking about what it should be.

Anyone else thinking of a big small term goal?

A pound down~

2010-05-28T03:55:00.003-03:00

Woo hoo-I lost a pound. So happy. Tonight I'm not doing overtime again and I'm so happy. I gave Cole his birthday present and he was really excited.

His Dad did leave a depressing sounding message on his birthday and later Cole called him back and asked him if he was going to come in for his birthday but his dad said he couldn't because its so hard with Adam.

What a freak. He hasn't spoken to his son in two months and he gets an invite and declines it-where are his priorities? We do get to read on facebook all about his father Wheeling and fishing with Cole's sister though so that is really nice. His mother squeezed out 15 mins on a break at work for him. These people are too much.

This evening we are having Kelly & Rodney over for supper. I'm making Spaghetti & Meatballs, Garlic Bread, Caesar Salad, & Apple Crisp. Not low fat but I'll be using my flex points. I love feeding people who appreciate it-it feels good.

Have a great weekend peeps~

Birthday and a Recipe~

2010-05-25T04:03:00.005-03:00

Well Cole's Birthday is finally here-the only thing-the tickets are not-boo. I'm printing my confirmation out in case they don't arrive today-haha-oh well.

I'm anxious to see if his family will call for his birthday and whether or not he will get into it with his dad-only time will tell I guess.

Yesterday I got home from work and after being on the computer a bit I did my Wii Fit-burned over 300 calories and all in the comfort of air conditioning-didn't stop me from sweating though-holy running in place can wear you out.

Anyways I tried another recipe from ww online-Chicken Parmigiana-here are the pics:

You take a pound of chicken and flatten it with a malletDip it in two egg whites-and then in 1/2 bread crumbs with 1 tbsp Italian seasoningFry it in 1tsp of olive oil until no longer pick on the inside-four mins per sidePour 1/2 cup of pasta sauce in an 8 inch square pan and place chicken on top, spread with another cup of sauce and then sprinkle with 1/2 mozza cheese and 1 tbsp Parmesan cheese ( I only had cheddar)I paired it with peas and a red baked potato. So Yummy~Makes 4 servings 5 pts each-One thing that is definitely impressing me with the recipes is that I enjoy all them and I find the portions are pretty decent for the pts ratio.

Cole's Birthday weekend-pic heavy post~

2010-05-22T07:26:00.009-03:00

Well we are having the hottest weekend possible-it is 27 degrees Celsius here and that is hot-hot-hot. We had a busy weekend and I even managed to get sick.

Friday we laid low as we knew Saturday would be busy we slept, ate and watched a few episodes of Nurse Jackie-awesome show, by the way.

Saturday we got up super early and got ready, went to the mall and then headed out to pick up Cole's brother Adam from respite.

Adam loves mustangs more than anything so we took him to the car lots to check them out. We grabbed him a blizzard and came here to play the Wii.

After a while we took him to feed the ducks. We had a really great time.Before we headed out for Cole's Birthday supper I got Cole to take a couple of pics for me for my blog-suggestion by my dear friend Katie J.We went to Cole's favorite restaurant The Rogue. We had some good food and a few drinks, had a great time but next time we will probably celebrate at home-can get quite expensive.
On Sunday we went to Cora's with Kelly & Rodney to continue the birthday celebration. It was their first time there and they were super impressed. I don't know if I was still feeling my liquor or giddy about my order-haha. I ordered the Strawberry Waffle but didn't eat all of it. I didn't do too hot with the calories this weekend though-regrets right.Anyways Kelly & Rodney came back to our place for birthday cake. I couldn't have a piece I was way too stuffed. I usually have one coffee everyday and since Saturday was so hot I didn't have one-big mistake, right around breakfast time on Sunday we realized why I had such a bad headache and afterwards I got a timmies but it was too late. It was almost in migraine mode so once Kelly & Rodney left I threw up. Of course I wouldn't be lucky enough to throw up breakfast-just the coffee-haha.

I started to come around about 4pm-so that kinda sucked since it ruined my Sunday. But all in all we had a great weekend and I can't wait til tomorrow to give Cole his Birthday present.

I just got in from working the holiday and it is super hot outside-way too hot for a walk-I think I will do the Wii with the air conditioner on.

Weigh in and a rant~

2010-05-21T03:35:00.002-03:00

Well I got weighed this morning and I stayed the same-a victory in my books. Now to keep it together for this weekend and its all good.

Cole turns 26 this Tuesday so we are having a couple of meals out with friends.

I haven't spoken about his parents in a bit and its still a pretty stressful situation. We let bygones be bygones when Cole had talked to his mother. We didn't hear from them for a few weeks and Cole contacted his mother on msn-they spoke for a bit and he told her that we were coming the Saturday of Mothers Day.

We visited her and stayed about an hour-we gave her a gift, etc. She told Cole to suck up his pride and call his father. He said no. Here's the thing. His parents did something to hurt us, we got mad and gave them the silent treatment-but not really cause they never even tried to get a hold of us-they led people to believe they did on facebook.

So Cole has made attempts to talk to them by phoning that time he got his mother and by messaging her on computer a few times, then we went there for mothers day. They have never phoned and he's supposed to constantly make the first move.

Anyways Cole wrote on facebook yesterday that he was excited for this weekend and she wrote "WHY coming to visit your father? It would be nice." I honestly can't get over these people-I think they may have problems. My family and friends on my facebook probably think we are dragging this out but they haven't tried to call or talk once-it is so frustrating.

We do not want to have relationships with people when we are the only ones trying. I'm just so angry and if they don't do anything for Cole's birthday I might lose it. I know I won't have a scrap of respect for them anymore.

Realization and a Recipe

2010-05-20T15:20:00.004-03:00

This week flew by so fast. I've been hoping to fit in more time for reading and writing blogs but I really don't know where the days go.

I get up at 3:30 am, shower, have breakfast, check emails, then I'm off to work. I work 5am to 1:30pm, walk home, sometimes I exercise, do dishes, pack lunches, make supper, eat and go to bed. So boring-haha.

I really don't know how my weigh in will be tomorrow-right now on the Wii it says I lost 1/2 pd for the week. I've struggled a bit-I think because my tom is right around the corner.

I have a sense of calm right now about the whole dieting/exercise thing. I went to lunch with my friend on Monday and I was telling her how it really feels like a lifetime thing for me and I'm okay with it. I may or may not get to goal but I will strive for it and just enjoy the journey.

Not to say I'm enjoying portion control, etc but that I won't let it consume my every waking thought. I had a nice burger for lunch and a beer and I enjoyed every minute of it. I can't eat like that all the time of course but I can't live a life without it either and don't want to feel guilty anymore. I'm 33 I've been overweight for the majority of my life and I'm tired of hating myself.

I know I have to overcome the negative self thoughts I've lived with for years but I will try to focus on the accomplishments rather than the disappointments. I'm always the "glass is half full" girl for everyone else so its time to turn that attention to me.

So for some of the positives this week-

I've walked on all my breaks at work
I did the Wii three times
I made a couple of new ww recipes
I've tracked points for 4 days
I felt really good in my new pants

So here is another recipe from Weight Watchers online that I tried

Chocolate Fudge Cookie Bites:

1/3 cup unsweetened Cocoa 3/4 cup sugar

1/4 cup margarine, softened 4 oz unsweetened applesauce

1 1/2 cups Flour 1 tsp vanilla

1 tsp baking powder 1/4 tsp salt

2 tbsp powdered sugar

Preheat oven to 375. Coat pans with cooking spray.

Place Cocoa, margarine and sugar in a medium bowl, beat with mixer. Add applesauce & vanilla, beat to blend. Stir together flour, baking powder & salt. Stir flour mixture into cocoa mixture by hand.

Shape into 48 marble sized balls. Bake 8 minutes, move to iron rack after 1 min. Sprinkle with powdered sugar.

My first batch were a little on the small size and I was disappointed.

I then realized I had made them too small so these were my second batch.So a big one and a little one together would equal 2 pts. They taste like a chocolate timbit which is two points so you get a little bit more for the 2 pts-very tasty-would make them again.Here is two pictures of Pepper-she is a super spoiled and often lazy cat.She can be very prissy too.

Weight loss and a recipe!

2010-05-14T03:48:00.002-03:00

Happy Friday morning people. Even though I work overtime tonight I'm still a happy girl because I lost 1 pound this week. Losing 3 weeks in a row is a big accomplishment so I'm thrilled. I've really been digging the recipe section on the Weight Watchers website. I've made 4 or 5 things so far. These are the Mini-Chocolate Chip Cookies.

They are about the size of two of my chubby thumbs. Here is the recipe: 2 tbsp butter, softened 1/8 tsp salt 1/4 tsp baking soda
2 tsp canola oil 1 lg egg white

1/2 cup dark brown sugar 3/4 cup flour
1tsp vanilla 3 oz choc chips (1/2 cup)

Preheat oven to 375 degrees.

Cream together butter, oil & sugar. Add vanilla, salt & egg white & mix.

Mix together flour & baking soda and add to butter mixture. Add choc chips & stir.

Drop rounded 1/2 tsp onto non-stick sheet. Bake approx 6 minutes.

This recipes makes 24 cookies and on the website it says 2 cookies per serving 1pt each. I can't believe that cause they are too good. I'm counting them as 1 pt each til I enter the ingredients in and figure it out for sure. I thought I would add a pic of my crazy cat-hear she is meowing as if her bowl of food was empty-its not-haha.

A package~

2010-05-13T04:05:00.001-03:00

Yesterday I got a parcel in the mail from Katie at Katie J is on her way I didn't win a contest on Katie's site or anything she just sent me this out of the goodness of her heart.Here it is-my very own bodybugg. I am really excited to try it. Just need to figure it into my funds. I'm not poor-poor but saving for a wedding is tough. Here's a little message I wrote on the bathroom mirror to Cole. Cole's birthday is on the 25th of May and I am surprising him with two tickets to Lilith Fair and two nights stay at a fancy hotel in Montreal with a nice pool. Cole enjoys Sarah Mclachlan and the girls too so its not just for me-haha. Keeping this a secret is really hard-the days have dragged since I bought the tickets. Cole loves a pool like nobody else in this world so that is why I bought the second night just for the pool-haha.

This week has been good exercise and diet wise. One thing I have really realized about myself is that I can't let the compliments go to my head. I've lost 30 so far and people are finally noticing and I tend to go a bit heavy on the portions once people are telling me how good I look-like its a license to eat or something. I'm getting past this hurdle, one less bite at a time.

Kelly is doing really good in physio and hopefully she will be home in a couple of weeks. I'm really happy that her progress is quick-hopefully she will be out before summer is under way.

Weight Watchers online is really working for me so far and its weird but I actually feel more accountable to myself than ever before. I went for a walk yesterday and I had bought these new black Capri pants and I actually feel good in them-my other pants are super baggy now so they don't feel so hot-I have to get to a second hand shop this weekend to try and find some clothes for this transition period. I can't wear these old pants much longer- a good problem to have.

A great week

2010-05-07T04:04:00.002-03:00

Well I managed to do it. I lost 1 1/2 pounds. I am really more proud of this loss than of any other losses I ever had. Why? Because last weekend we went to this camp with friends. And I ate bad. And I ate a lot. No-I'm not proud of that.

What I am proud of is that Monday morning instead of saying oh what the hell I ruined myself anyway and eating more or not exercising I decided to follow my points and exercise and it paid off. The old me who have had a gain-of this I know for sure. On Saturday before going to the camp we went to visit Kelly in the hospital and I fit into this dress (hard to tell its a dress from the pic) Its a size 14 and I haven't fit into it in years. I was super excited-and Cole was too-he loves when I wear dresses and anything girly.He is a pic of my hunny at the campfire-he is buzzed and feeling good-haha-isn't he hot? Here is a pic of us at the camp. I wasn't feeling too bad either-haha

Have a great weekend everyone.

A Loss-A Loss-A Loss!!!

2010-04-30T03:31:00.003-03:00

Today I weighed myself as soon as I woke up and I lost 3pds. I started weighing myself on the scale in the fitness room and I think it reads a few pounds heavier because our regular scale, the wii and the scale at Cole's gym all give us lower weights but its okay cause as long as I use the same one every week then it will be accurate.

I am so freaking excited. Doing the online thing has definitely re-motivated me and it feels great. Just imagine this was only with me tracking for four days. I ate really bad on the weekend so imagine what I could do tracking 5-6 days. I'm going in for overtime tonight and then tomorrow night we have been invited with two other couples to go sleep at this camp/cabin and drink and play games-I will be saving all my flex points for this and I'm really excited to hang out with them it will be a blast.

Have a great weekend everyone~

A week with progress.

2010-04-27T15:15:00.004-03:00

This past weekend I didn't work overtime. We had planned on having a great night of watching crime shows (snapped, cold case, etc) What did we do instead-mostly feel in and out of crappy sleep. It was bad.

On Saturday we went to Saint John to visit Kelly in the Hospital. I made her some cinnamon rolls (as requested) and I made Rodney a birthday cake. Check out my mad decorating skills below-haha. We had a great time and visited like 6 hours. I ate really badly all weekend but have been super on plan yesterday and today.

I had my last dentist appointment yesterday. It went horribly. I guess I had a filling from the 80's-90's that needed to be extracted. For some reason it wouldn't go right so I was in the chair for over an hour. It didn't really hurt but that doesn't matter to me-the whole process was a complete nightmare. Dentistry is something that would be in my version of hell-I hate it on a good day so I was a little shaken up by this. The inside of my cheek on that side is really sore and inflamed still-the bright side is that it is over and I only have my cleaning in 6 months to worry about.

I joined Weight Watchers online on Friday so I will weight myself on Friday mornings and hopefully the rest of the week will make up for my crazy weekend. I am really impressed with the online site so far. I don't really know what I was expecting but its super easy to use and I've already made a recipe from the tons they have on there. I made Baked Broccoli Macaroni and it makes 8 servings @ 5pts each. I had it last night on the side of Chicken Breast.The website has places to track the points, activity, etcAnd you can look up tons of recipes based on points, meals, etcHere is my desk with the remnant's from my afternoon snack, a orange. I have my index cards all ready to write down some more recipes. I have to slowly build up my ingredient list to have more variety-it can be so expensive to get things you don't usually use but once you get them they last a while.

I'm feeling really motivated now and yesterday and today I did my walk and got in all my water plus more than called for. Please oh please let me have a loss on Friday-I will post a pic of my scale either way :)

Bring on the funk

2010-04-21T17:06:00.003-03:00

I feel like I have spent the entire week in a funk. Its that t-o-m for me and I guess I just feel sick and depressed. I've hardly exercised and I've eaten the wrong foods and mostly I've just been beating myself up inside.

Its 11 months til my wedding and I still have 89 pounds to goal. 89 is a lot better than the 117 I had to lose when I started and even if I ultimately don't get to that goal for the big day any weight loss should be something to be proud of.

I am proud of myself for not quitting this journey. I can't begin to tell you how many times over the last 17 years I started to lose weight and quit when the results weren't as fast as I anticipated.

A couple of girls from work are waiting to see how I like WW online and they may join too. I am starting on Friday. I hope I like it-I have a feeling it might be good for me since I will like to take more credit for my efforts-haha-self centered I know.

This Friday I'm not doing overtime for the first time in 6 weeks. I just feel drained and like Cole & I don't ever get to spend a lot of time together anymore. I can't wait to just be with him-he is so funny & awesome. We are going to Saint John to visit Kelly who is doing better from her operation-thank god.

Tomorrow after work a group of us girls are going to lunch to celebrate our friend who is leaving on maternity leave-she is due in two weeks, so exciting.

My Wii Fit age today was 23-ten years younger-haha-it also said I was down 1.1 pds-I'm going to weight myself in the basement here for ww online those scales seem more accurate :)

The weekend rant

2010-04-18T19:34:00.002-03:00

Well this weekend wasn't too exciting. Thankfully Kelly's surgery went well on Friday. We were really nervous cause it was supposed to be a couple of hours but we still hadn't heard anything by 6pm. I called the Hospital to get some info and the nurse said they didn't have a patient by that name-talk about scary-then she finally figured out they did and she was nasty on the phone. Bedside manner? Not so much.

I went in for overtime on Friday and felt crappy all night-so hard when you get no sleep. Came home to catch some sleep and planned on visiting Kelly. She couldn't have visitors due to some bleeding so we just hung out at the mall for a bit.

Cole finally had it out with his mother on the phone Saturday. His sister was all up in his face on facebook and we were seriously tired of it so he wrote them an email they wrote back, he finally called. The verdict? We sorta forgave them but we know now they are sorta crazy. She would say something to Cole and when he would respond she would say I didn't say that. Its actually really scary.

We know our relationship with them will never be the same and I think we have come to terms with that. For years I would do, do, do for them and in the last 6 months or so I scaled back because it was getting to be unappreciated and it wasn't reciprocal. I don't give to get by no means but lets give you an example :

We were constantly bringing her up things I baked at work. If I made a pie we would bring up a couple of pieces for her and her co-workers with some Tim's coffee. She would thank me of course but then one week our car broke down so we had it in the shop and Cole called her at work one night and asked her to drop us off two coffees and he would pay her for them. She said yes. About 20 minutes after she was due he called her and she was already home-said she couldn't get the coffee cause she had no money.

This is constant with her. She will come to our place with coffee for herself and none for us. We really wouldn't care except when we go to her place she asks where the coffee is. It truly is a weird parent-child relationship. Whenever my mother and I are together she is constantly wanting to do for me, buy me things, etc but Cole's mother wants to be pampered all the time. For every occasion we will get the family member a present but I will also bake their favorite dessert or cookie and then I don't even get a call from any of them this year, even his sister who we weren't even fighting with.

On the phone she even said you never bring me things to work anymore-honestly people I can't really believe someone would have the nerve. She has NEVER brought us a thing-EVER-you would think she would not even bring it up. When she is on facebook talking about something she made Cole would joke around and say drop us off some and she never does, its really weird.

It did get a big weight off my chest though to have it somewhat resolved. We haven't spoken to his sister yet-she said a lot of hurtful, classless things on facebook and told Cole to have a nice life and now that he is sorta made up with his parents she writes on her wall-I wish you would call-life is too short-haha-not too short when you are calling us down to the dirt.

I am really happy that Cole is finally seeing his family for who they really are now. I saw things about them before but I didn't really realize how childish they were. We plan to still see them for occasions and stuff but we aren't doing for them anymore.

Mom called and said Jerry wanted to talk to me to apologize but I didn't want to hear it yet at least. She said he thinks its his pills and he is making an appointment with another Dr but I said its really weird that he always freaks at me and no one else if it is the pills. She said she isn't making excuses for him. I think she's just not quite ready to give up on him yet. We will have to see.

My aunt's and Mom, and maybe my brothers family are planning on coming here for a week in June. We have to work but it will still be fun. It will suck majorly for Cole who has to sleep days. I pray he gets a day shift sometime soon.

I think having my family visit with remotivate my diet-at least between now and than-haha.

Wii Workout

2010-04-15T18:58:00.002-03:00

Today I decided to use my stress and had a killer workout on the Wii Fit. I set it up so that it would let me know once I reached 400 calories. For anyone who has used a Wii Fit you know that it feels like they do an underestimate-haha.

I'll be killing myself hula-hooping and its only like 13 calories. So now I am sore all over and I really feel like it worked me hard-even my eyelids were sweating.

I'm doing overtime again this weekend-can't complain cause I want the money but its getting old-haha-or maybe I am.

Going to Saint John to visit Kelly after her operation on Saturday-can't wait to see her-the surgery is tomorrow at 8am-please send your prayers.

I'm going to join the online version of ww next Friday morning-please know I am not weighing myself this week only for my own sanity-though the Wii gave me a hint and I didn't like it-haha.

Decisions.

2010-04-13T15:45:00.004-03:00

Well I made a decision. I'm going to try the weight watcher online program. As you all know I've been joining and quitting ww since I was 16. 17 long years. I have never used the online method before. I currently just pay week to week.

My reasoning for trying the online method:

- Cost (currently pay $15 a week-online is $17.95 a month)

- Convenience (weigh at home, on my schedule)

- Haven't attended meetings in a while anyway.

- Location is now in grocery store-lots of temptation.

- Kelly has to take around 3 months off so perfect time to try this way.

I'm getting really excited about this now. I will post pics of my weigh in here on my blog so that I am still accountable in a way to you guys.

I have sorta been a wreck this week. I had the fight with my stepfather, we are still not speaking to the in-laws, I've gotten dentistry done yesterday, last Monday and next Monday is my last appointment, I'm on my period, and we just found out yesterday that Kelly has to have open-heart surgery on Friday. I've been eating (lots).

Its one of those times when you know you should be reading, exercising, having hot baths, anything to bury your head away from the stress but all you want to do is eat. I can't help it-this is me. For the longest time I haven't dealt in this way. When one thing happens I can go for a walk and let it go but when 5-6 things happen it feels like too much.

I'm really nervous and scared for Kelly. She has been through so much already. She was diagnosed with MS as 21 and now her heart. It is really unfair for one person to have to deal with so much. The recovery rate is so much longer for her because of her MS-I hope everything runs smoothly for her. They are moving her to a rehabilitation place here and I said I will walk there all the time-it will be a nice walk for me for sure.

Anyways I let myself have some cheese, crackers and chocolate today and I tried not to beat myself up too bad about it. I plan on joining online next Friday and will weigh in on Friday mornings before work.

Stress and weightgain~

2010-04-11T13:15:00.004-03:00

Typically I'm not a person who has much stress in her life. I have a wonderful fiance who loves me dearly, I love my job, etc. Lately a few things have caused stress to me and I wonder how it all relates to weight loss.

First was the fight with the in-laws-getting boring to write about since there is still no new updates-we aren't speaking and its been over a month, and then there was yesterday.

You see 17 years ago my mother got remarried and moved to the states. I was 16. I moved in with my aunt and then later to college, etc. For the first few years I was resentful a bit and didn't speak to Mom a lot. There were a few issues but I was young and then I grew up.

So there might have been an incident or two with my stepfather getting up in my face but nothing too serious. I've only been able to see mom about once a year anyways since they live in the states.

So the summer before last Cole & I go to visit them and while we were all together in the car my sf freaks at Cole-over directions. Cole doesn't even fire back cause he loves me and didn't want to make it worst-I get into a heated argument with my sf and so does my mom. It was pretty tense but I think he apologized and we moved on.

We didn't get to visit much since then but at Christmas we go to their place and my sf makes a stab at Cole again-this time about Cole parking wrong in the driveway (yes he is a complete wacko I guess) he did it in front of Mom, my brother & his wife. Cole had parked a foot down from the rest of the cars. So my mother goes nuts on him outside and he later apologizes.

So then yesterday Mom & I are on the phone laughing so hard. We have a great relationship and Cole & I can make her laugh like nobody else. We let her know that we are going to Bangor next weekend with Kelly & Rodney and that it would be fun if they met us there for lunch and shopping-its a 3 hr drive from our place and 3 hrs from their place. She was getting all excited.

I also mentioned that when we went down in November for the week that maybe K&R would come down with us for the weekend if they didn't mind.

My sf was saying all this stuff in the back round like Bangor being too far away, to much traffic, etc and that they didn't want strangers staying in their house, etc. I forgot to point out that he is completely lazy and the idea of getting out of his own way disturbs him. I said never mind we will stay in a hotel and Mom got mad at him saying that if her own daughter can't feel comfortable in her house then she would move out.

I can't begin to tell you the feeling I get in my stomach during a confrontation. I feel like I haven't slept in a week and have drank 15 coffee. My stomach gets so jittery and I detest the feeling.

I was talking to Mom today and I guess said that I have always hated him and that I call and expect them to drop everything for me. Cause asking mom if she can meet me for lunch once in the whole time she has lived in the states is asking her to drop everything for me. He just wants it to be him and her everyday-her watching him smoke all day and not work. Mom is planning on making some life changes, we spoke today and I hope it all goes as planned-will talk more about that in the future.

I just feel rotten. I told mom today that even if he apologized that I won't accept it cause I know its not genuine. He hates me and I just don't feel like having him in my life. I said if she is still there in Nov that we would come up and stay in a hotel. I hate to put her in this boat but I can't keep pushing my feelings under the rug. I think she stayed this long because he wasn't like this when they first got together but I don't think he will change back.

Anyways I went for my walk this morning and am playing on the Wii in a bit. I'm gonna try to block out this stress as much as possible because I already have a big enough problem trying to lose weight I don't need anymore things stacked up against me.

Dieting for the weekend~

2010-04-09T04:00:00.003-03:00

I lost 2.4pds~My Wii Fit weighed me at 4pds less so I was a tad disappointed. I really don't know what I need to do to lose really big. I was talking to Kelly and while I'm really excited to have a loss it does get frustrating.

The thing is I gave up all pop years ago. I eat only whole wheat bread, pasta, brown rice. I sit at my desk at work all week long eating baby carrots, grapes, honeydew, cucumbers. There is so much prep in the food I eat.

You would think with all this and all the exercise I did this week for a woman over 200 pds I could get a big number. I have never gotten a really big number.

People say don't worry about it-you are supposed to lose in a slow and steady manner but just once, only one time I would be so happy.

I don't expect to lose all my weight in a short time but it seems that I'll plateau every couple of pounds or so-I hardly ever have good losses two weeks in a row, etc.

I'm doing overtime again this weekend-saving for a wedding can be so boring-haha~

My week and some great websites.

2010-04-07T15:11:00.004-03:00

This week is going pretty slow. I've been doing pretty awesome with eating and exercising this week. On Sunday Cole & I went for an hour and 1/2 long walk. Then in the afternoon my friend Madison came over and we walked for 3 hours. My whole body ached that night and the next day.

I've done a few workouts on the Wii Fit and walked twice more. Hopefully it will show up at my weigh in. We still haven't spoken to the in-laws so we had a pretty low key Easter. We went to Swiss Chalet on Sat and just had our leftovers later.

I bought Cole a bunch of sweets and he bought me a Choc bunny and magazines. My bunny is still only missing its ears so I think I'm doing pretty good-haha.

We plan on having our friends Kelly & Rodney over for supper on Friday to celebrate her birthday-I can't wait-they are so fun to hang out with and we'll end up playing the Wii for sure, so fun.

I've been listening to a new podcast called Nutrition Diva - I must say I'm quite impressed. The podcasts are short but very knowledgeable with facts about such topics as fiber, water, sodium, etc.

She also points out websites like My Pyramid - This site has a wealth of knowledge about dietary guidelines for individuals. Another great site she mentioned is Nutrition Data - really helps you learn how to read food labels and to really understand the importance of choosing certain foods over others.

Loving the Fit

2010-04-03T21:00:00.003-03:00

After months of waiting we finally got our Wii Fit-the verdict-I love it. I knew I would. I got weighed on Thursday and stayed the same so I know I have to start kicking it into overdrive here.

My friend Madison (who lost 130 pds) is coming by tomorrow and we are going for a walk, can't wait. She is super into exercise so she will hopefully rub off on me.

I plan on doing my walks and doing the Wii Fit too so that should help since it is fun to do.

We still are not speaking to the in-laws. Cole's sister wrote him a email basically telling him off and they went back and forth a bit on msn but he can't get through to her. She never calls but will say we don't, she didn't even call for my birthday but when he brings it up she won't reply, etc. At the end of it she said have a nice life.

I really don't know what will happen with the whole situation cause they don't seem to think they did anything wrong but at least my stomach isn't upset all the time anymore.

We went out with friends last night and it was really nice and the weather here today was so beautiful-wish the outdoor pools were up and ready-oh well.

Have a Happy Easter~

Feeling awful~

2010-03-29T15:42:00.005-03:00

Tomorrow I have to get seriously motivated to focus on my goals. The last couple of weeks with all the fighting with my in-laws has seriously taken a token on me.

I think all the stress is actually manifesting into itself and affecting my health. Cole & I still haven't spoken to his parents-The reason is in this post they got back from their trip on Friday. The whole week on facebook she kept posting about how beautiful the place was, etc.

It really hurt us that she was mentioning the place seeing how this was the whole reason for the fight. When Cole said why we didn't want them to go there they said they wouldn't mention it or show us any pictures. Then yesterday she posted like 200 pics of the place-including a pic of her and the hubby under the wedding gazebo-I seriously think there may be something wrong with the woman.

Cole was sleeping while she was posting them and I kept feeling worse and worse looking at them on facebook-for some sick reason I couldn't stop. By the time Cole got up I had the worst pains in my stomach. He is so worried that this is affecting me and my weight loss. He says with all my efforts it would kill him that stress kept me from getting where I want to be.

Cole deleted his mother from facebook. I don't know how I feel about it cause I know that I would do the same thing if mom did this to me. I said I would delete her too for a sign of solidarity but he wanted me to keep her on mine so she would know that he is making the statement-he is the one who is mad and I'm not just getting him to go along with it. They are the kind of people who really love you til they hate you.

I woke up for work this morning and my stomach felt really bad, like really bad gas and it was going around to my bad and everything. I called in sick and tried to sleep but I couldn't. When Cole got back he was really nervous cause I was wearing a bunch of layers and was under blankets but I was shivering. We thought maybe it might have something to do with the gallbladder. I said if I didn't feel better later I would let him take me to the hosp. He ran me a hot bath to get rid of my chill and he even warmed my blanket in the dryer-sweet or what?

I finally fell asleep for a couple of hours and feel abit better but the pain is still there in my back-its so strange. I think I'm letting the fight work me up really bad. I'm going to stop looking at her pics and focus on us-I can't really change anything going on with them but I can change me.

Weigh in :(

2010-03-26T03:58:00.002-03:00

I went to weigh in last night and was up 1.8 pds. Ughhhh. I knew I ate bad while on vacation. I have a tendency to let myself go for long periods without eating if I'm not on schedule and I know that slows my metabolism to a halt. This is something I have to work on for sure for my next time off.

The good thing is that I've been doing good with the metabolism the last couple of days so next week should be a great weigh in :)

Not much new to report-still pissed at the in-laws~

2010-03-23T03:05:00.002-03:00

Well if you read my last post you will know that I spent a lot of my vacation dealing with stress from my in-laws. It hasn't really stopped because my future mother-in-law keeps posting to facebook how nice the resort is and it seems intentional now.

Another stress I dealt with last week on vacation was the dentist. You see I hadn't gone to the dentist in like 11 years. The first few years it was because I didn't have insurance. After that I just kept getting more afraid.

The longer I stayed away the worst my imagination was getting away with me. Anytime I felt a little bit of sensitivity I imagined having to get my entire set of teeth removed. I was so worked up I didn't ever want to find out what exactly was going on.

So a couple of weeks ago I made both Cole & I appointments. The verdict.... I have two cavities. Not so bad. The lesson...... you can sometimes stress way too much about the unknown, its way better to face your fear and move on.

Besides all the stress I've been focused on I wanted to show you my wedding place cards that I made. My wedding colors are apple green and brown: Pretty? I absolutely loved how they came out. I'm so talented-haha. I went for a super long nice walk in the hailstones yesterday-super cold when I got back-jumped right into a hot shower-so nice.

...when you got enemies

2010-03-20T19:04:00.004-03:00

Wow-I can't believe how much time I missed blogging-I so need to vent. This was my vacation week and honestly I have never been so stressed. Its a long story so here goes.....

Even before Cole & I got engaged in July we knew we wanted to get married down south. We have several reasons. Our families are from different provinces, we wanted to keep the cost down and we didn't want the worry of entertaining all these people, going to Dominican would solve all those problems because we would be at an all inclusive resort and everyone could entertain themselves.

Anyways Cole's parents went to Mexico last march and were wanting us to get married there we said no cause we wanted to go to a resort that no one at our wedding had ever been too, we wanted everyone to explore it together and have a great time.

A couple of weeks ago we picked the place-it is beautiful and we couldn't wait. We sent the link in an email invitation to 90 people and everyone kept saying how beautiful it was.

Then last week while I was at work Cole called and said his parents called to ask if we would mind if they went to that resort this year. I said yes, of course, I would mind. He told them that he didn't want them to that we wanted everyone to experience it all together next year. Guess what-they booked it anyways. They are there right now.

So the first couple of days of my vacation I spent crying. I've never been so upset. I wrote them a big heartfelt email on Sunday explaining my feelings we didn't get a reply until Thursday and they lied and said they tried to apologize and they listed some things that they have done for us years ago and something about us not visiting them-a bunch of bull to deflect the real issue.

Cole is wholeheartedly upset because he is so embarrassed his own parents would do this to us. We are changing our resort now and our friends and my family keep asking why would they do this to you. The only reason I can even see is that if you go to the same resort two years in a row the second year you go you will be VIP-this is something his mother talks about all the time. You will get free massages, champagne, etc. I'm the bride but she wants to be the most special one there.

Cole's sister is really disappointing us to. The first day I told her what they did she came over and completely agreed with me-she couldn't believe that with us only choosing one resort out of hundreds that they would have to choose ours. Then later we couldn't get a hold of her and when we finally did she said I don't want to get involved. I said sure I understand but then she didn't even call for my birthday or anything. She keeps writing on facebook how she is so happy for them and hoping they are enjoying themselves. I feel sick.

I think we are definitely still in shock about the whole situation. What kind of parents would do this? I let them know in the email too that we told my mother and friends-I hope they get really embarrassed that everyone knows.

My diet hasn't been good this week-But I have walked some. Tomorrow I am back on the wagon. This week has been crappy for a vacation but we did get lots of rest & relaxation in for sure-can't ask for much more than that.

Another 3 down!!!!!!!!!!!!

2010-03-12T03:56:00.002-04:00

Wow guys-I lost 3 pds this week-I can't freaking believe it. I know I worked for it but it hardly shows on the scale.

This makes all the walking, counting, etc worth it for sure. I was so extremely happy when I saw I blasted into the 210's like nobodies business.

2 more pds til I reach 30 pds lost. This week will be challenging since we are on vacation but I'm gonna try to keep it in the lines-haha.

We are having Kelly & Rodney over for Turkey dinner on Sat evening and then my birthday is on Monday so those twos days will be rough but I plan on exercising and reading blogs and eating good the rest of the week!

I'm so happy to finally see results~

5k

2010-03-10T04:05:00.003-04:00

Maybe I'm nuts but I'm thinking of registering in a 5k for August. I've been reading up a lot about the couch to 5k routine.

I figure it would be super good for my weight loss to train for it and its something Cole and I can do together.

Today I do day 1 of my training which is brisk walk for 5 mins, jog for 1 min, walk for 90 sec, until you reach 20 mins.

You may ask yourself what a 220 pd woman is thinking signing up for a 5k? Well I won't be 220 by then and what a goal to shoot for - it would be so amazing~

Exercise recap~

2010-03-08T18:27:00.007-04:00

I did the first day of my week. I'm super excited for this week to be over since we will be on vacation starting this Friday.

This weekend we had Cole's brother Adam spending the night. Adam is disabled-he has Autism, Tourettes, and a list of others-he is 30. We played Wii most of the evening and next morning so that was really fun.

A pic of Adam chowing down on baby carrots.On Saturday after Adam left we took a small nap and headed out to our friends Kelly & Rodney's house for supper. It was so good - They made Spaghetti pie, garlic bread, salad and cake. Yum~ We were going to play games and Wii but once we get around chatting the time passes so fast.

I got in a walk on Sat morning and Cole & I went for a walk together on Sun morning-the weather here is so nice right now -its unbelievable.

We emailed out early invites to our friends and family for the wedding just to let people save up money if they wanted to go-its in the Dominican. I'm getting really annoyed with family who want us to marry here or my hometown. I'm about ready to let everyone know once and for all that this is our day and we are doing what we want.

I was so excited to get a package in the mail. I had one a contest over at one of my favorite blogs. Cincimom11

My package included all this :

A digital skipping ropeA super awesome mugTwo huge cans of soup. I love winning stuff :)

Today during work two friends and I walked on our two 15 min breaks around the building, I walked home, went for an hour long walk and did 15 mins on the exercise ball.

I made up a schedule where just about everyday I will walk for at least 30 min and one day I will do 15 min on the ball and the next will be 15 min on arms.

I made a commitment to myself to also take better care of my skin. I've started exfoliating twice a week and applying lotion after my showers. Is there anything like this that you plan on committing too?

Down 2.8pds~

2010-03-05T04:01:00.003-04:00

I lost 2.8 pds-I'm so excited-maybe the wedding preparations are getting me extra motivated. I felt like I've needed to lose to get motivated and I did-yeah me.

Yesterday I spoke with one of my best friends who is going to stand for me-I got so motivated talking to her about losing weight and looking good in my wedding dress. Over the weekend I plan to write up a exercise plan on my calendar-examples being 30 min walks with arm exercises, 30 mins walk with abs, etc.

I figure that this way I'll be able to do it no problem and I'll feel accomplished when I'm done, and I can always do more if I feel like it.

Woo Hoo~

Post weekend wrapup~

2010-03-01T16:26:00.003-04:00

This weekend was a really low key one for us-on purpose. Friday after work Cole picked me up cause it was stormy. I went to the store to pick up some reading materials. I got both Women's Health and the Bridal edition of Shape magazine. I so love reading, magazines are my guilty pleasure. We came home and slept. Cole works nights and I needed a nap anyways. We woke up late in the evening and I made us some breakfast for supper. We had bacon and for me I made Chocolate Chip pancakes and for Cole I made blueberry. They were the best pancakes I ever made-they were from scratch. So yummy.

On Saturday we spent the morning picking out a resort for our wedding next March. I cannot wait - it is so beautiful. We ran down and spoke to a travel agent briefly and picked up some travel books.

I made Cole two loaves of Cinnamon Raisin Swirl bread:

Cole's parents came to visit so one loaf quickly disappeared :) On Sunday I watched the Canada vs USA Hockey game. If that doesn't get the heart beating nothing will.

Looking at the resorts online really got me motivated to work out too. I just got off the treadmill a little bit ago. The scale says I'm down 1 pd but I guess I will have to wait and see on Thursday. Have to get Cole to put some air in my exercise ball so I can do some ab exercises tomorrow after the treadmill.

Here's a pick of my cat checking out my elephant statue:

Isn't she cute?

Growing.

2010-02-25T17:24:00.008-04:00

Today I woke up had a healthy breakfast, went to work and stewed about my weight the whole day. I ate my carrots, my multi grain ww bread, my fruit, drank my water, did all the right things.

After spending the entire day going over and over in my mind about my weight and how I have gained again I went to the store and bought these guys:

Chocolate Caramel Bunnies. Chocolate is my absolute favorite. I planned on eating them and then maybe to have some chips, then some brownies. I planned on skipping my workout and just wallowing in my failure.

Before I did these things I thought I would go on the computer to have a look see. This is what I found on the computer desk :

A little note from my fiance Cole. He is so amazing and may be a mind reader, haha. He fell in love with me at my biggest weight and he is truly my biggest cheerleader. He believes in C more than anyone.

I threw on my dirty pants, my sneaks and went for an hour long walk, listening to the new playlist he made for my ipod. Every woman should have a Cole-but you can't have mine. Have you any idea how hot he is?

Super Yummy Hot!

Its me-I'm a gainer~

2010-02-25T03:58:00.005-04:00

Yesterday (Wed) my friend called me after work to ask if I would go to WW with her, instead of normally on Thursday. The weather is supposed to be super bad on Thursday. I said sure.

It wasn't til I got off the phone that I realised that I had already drank about 2 litres of water. I figured what the hell. I was up .4 of a pd. I KNOW that it was totally affected by the water, I KNOW that I usually have a whole extra day. I KNOW that with working out as much as I have this week my body may be in shock.

But honestly I KNOW that I am still frustrated.

It took a lot of energy this week to force myself to eat my baby carrots. It took a lot of energy to force myself to drink all my water-which I did for four days in a row. It took a lot of energy to force myself not go on coffee runs with my friends at work. It took a lot of energy to force myself to research the sodium levels in the food I was eating. It took a lot of energy to force myself to not cry when I gained AGAIN.

I feel like people are going to think I'm lying. Like I'm not doing all I should be, like I'm dropping the ball. I guess the only thing I can do is plug away and hope eventually it catches up, or die trying :()

Waiting to get out~

2010-02-22T16:40:00.003-04:00

This past weekend we didn't do too much. We did go to get some more fish for our tank. Pepper really enjoys watching the fish. Cole will make a great dad someday just look at him with Pepper-haha.
On Sunday afternoon I attempted to make brown bread-it didn't turn out quite as planned. A little uncooked in the middle. It hasn't stopped Cole from eating it-haha-he said he still really loves it. I also made brownies cause I'm a glutton for punishment. I ate some with my flex points but I may have gone over. Boo~ After posting yesterday about having to get my exercise on track I decided today to take some pics to prove to you all that I'm totally serious. I decided to wear my pajama top so I would get a happy feeling from that at least.

I watched How its made while on the treadmill. I love that show.

Warning-this isn't pretty. While I do sweat sometimes while working out I usually don't push myself to the max. I did today. The reflection didn't work well with my camera but I did 45mins. For me that is amazing. My heart rate ranged from 132-151. I did 3.0 - 3.8. In the 45 mins I did just a tad over 3 miles. I burned 354 calories.

I can really feel it in my legs right now. I'm really, really proud of myself. It felt really amazing to stick to a goal I set out for myself. One day at a time. By November I can have my pick of wedding dresses.

Today I heard a quote that Michelangelo said : "Every block of stone has a statue inside it and its the task of the sculptor to discover it."

It is my job through diet and exercise to peel away my layers and become who I want to be.

The future is mine to make~

2010-02-21T17:27:00.003-04:00

After working overtime Friday night-Saturday morning I spent the rest of the weekend catching up on some sleep. Today Cole & I went for a walk even though the sidewalks were slippery.

Just wanted to post a quick post to say that tomorrow I am starting my super motivated plan. I plan to make a huge effort to exercise every day in one form or another. The kind of exercise that breaks a sweat. The kind that lets you know you are doing something. I will post about the exercise. This is the year that I lose my weight and keep it off.

I can't keep making excuses and slacking off. My wedding is in 13 months. Its now or never people. I plan on buying my wedding dress in November - that gives me 9 months to lose the majority of my weight. I can do this, nobody can do it for me.

I WILL SUCCEED~

WI

2010-02-19T04:00:00.001-04:00

I got weighed last night and I was up 1.4 pds. Nothing shocks me anymore. When I think I will lose I might gain-if I think I gained I might lose.

I haven't lost heart though cause I'm going to plug away with the exercising and it has to catch up sometime :) Thanks for all the encouraging words, it keeps me going~

Hello? This is your wake up call~

2010-02-17T17:50:00.003-04:00

Today I got the ever lovely wake up call. I don't know if I ever really had that moment where I knew I had to lose weight. You know the "its now or never" type thing. I've just always wanted to lose weight. Every week since I was 16 I would be trying a new diet. It sorta defines me-sad but true.

Then today at work we had some student nurses come in with their teacher to take blood pressure readings. As you can see from the pic I didn't do so hot. I have a really high blood pressure and it totally sucks.

I guess I really enjoyed the not knowing. It was a simpler time-haha-It is a huge motivator for me to step my exercise into gear. I feel I really have a handle on my diet. I always try to get all my servings, choose the right types of food-whole grain, etc. My exercise is something that I have been struggling with.

In the fall I did so good with exercise and honestly that is when I see the biggest results weight wise. Today I went for an hour long walk after work and felt great. I need to make time for exercise every single day for me-FOR MY HEALTH.

Here I am after my walk-my face is both cold & sweaty at the same time-so cold out. I took a copy of the healthy food guide and this wheel thing that will tell you how much you would have to exercise to burn off a food item. For example for 1 plain chocolate bar (40 grams) 215 calories you would have to Walk: 54mins Swim/Jump Rope : 24 mins Cycling: 31 mins
During my walk I thought of all the reasons I really want to lose the weight and keep it off. A small list includes :

To lower my blood pressure
To someday be a healthy mom
To look good in my wedding dress/at my beach wedding
So Cole could have a hot woman (even though he thinks I'm hot now)
To not feel bad about myself
To feel good shopping for clothing again
To not feel embarrassed of my size
To do things I want to do ex: down hill skiing-get really winded climbing back up the hill
To lose my double chin (the ban of my existence)
Two important things for my list are to be around for my niece Gabby

And my nephew Benjamin. Seriously have you ever saw such gorgeous children? They are healthy, happy, funny and we are truly blessed.I've made every excuse in the book to get out of exercise and really and truly I am the only one suffering from it. I need to put this ahead of everything else and to kick the excuses to the curb. This is too important to let slide year after year. I deserve to have all the things I want and I'm gonna get them.

Valentine's Weekend~

2010-02-15T16:02:00.005-04:00

I always look forward to Valentine's day with Cole and this one proved to be awesome once again. After being in a relationship for close to 6 years with a guy who didn't have a considerate or romantic bone in his body I so appreciate Cole.

On Thursday night before he left for work he brought out part of my gift which were 4 pairs of fuzzy socks. I was wearing the beige one's when I took this pic.

I ended up calling in sick to work so I missed that on my desk he had these roses and the chocolates above.On Friday evening Cole made me supper-Chicken Fettuccine Alfredo with Garlic Bread. Then we exchanged gifts. He gave me a pair of pajama's, some mini eggs and these earrings below. They are from my favorite place What on Earth. It is handmade silver jewellery. So pretty, he usually will get me all silver but he decided to get a pair with stones this time-I'm good with that-haha. He likes to get me a piece of jewellery for almost all occasions and I like it too :)

The woman at work said wait a few years-haha-we'll see I guess. I got him a Vancouver Olympics Tshirt, the sports pack for the Wii with the bat, racket, etc and a jar with chocolates in it that I unwrapped because he hates doing it-Hershey kisses and those Reese hearts. We mostly hung around here for the rest of the weekend. A friend had once again cancelled plans as per my last post so Cole & I ordered in Swiss Chalet and watched some shows we had downloaded on Sat.

Yesterday morning we went for a super early walk and stopped to have coffee & a bagel-it was super cold outside but at least I took advantage of the clear sidewalk again before the snow. Cole had to sleep during the day so I scrapbooked :

Cole had a potluck at work so I made him some cinnamon rolls to bring. This is the second pan I made the first one was for him and they are almost gone. Too yummy~

Today its really snowing hard outside so I decided to come home and prep some of my food for the week. Its not so challenging to eat good if the food is bagged.

Tomorrow I'm doing the dread I mean treadmill and I'm looking forward to weigh in on Thursday~

Should you ever dump a friend?

2010-02-13T23:49:00.004-04:00

This is a dilemma I seem to have a lot lately. I'm not sure if I blogged about this situation before but here goes. I dumped a friend 6 months ago. We were friends for approximately 8 years. During those 8 years I can honestly say that I was the "giver" and she was the "taker".

It wasn't something that really bothered me to tell the truth. It bothered my ex boyfriend more than it ever bothered me. You see I probably had her over for meals like 300 times and she had me over once. I had many good times with her over the years and it didn't feel like I was being used.

Then she got married to a guy who wasn't always the best choice of mate. I listened to her talk through the good times and bad. As much as I wanted to say he wasn't a good guy I would say things like I wish he wouldn't do some of the things he does, etc.

Then she got pregnant and Cole & I were the one's who tried to show her a good time, the one's who would go get her at 2 in the morning when she needed to talk while he was away working and they were fighting. She had the baby and we got attached. She threatened to leave her marriage and we offered to let her and the baby move in.

A couple of months later while she was visiting family in another province we heard on facebook that she was moving there. She didn't even tell me first, I had to find it out on facebook. That was in August. She knew I was mad at her and didn't try to get a hold of me til 2 months later in Oct when she called me at 2 in the morning crying about how messed up her life is.

I haven't spoken to her since. I hate carrying grudges because it is probably hurting me more anyways but it still sucks. I just don't understand the way people act sometimes.

The friendship that I'm questioning right now is so strange too. This woman was married to a guy with completely different believes, values, goals, etc when we started hanging out. We hung out all the time through my bad relationship with my ex and the whole time her marriage broke up.

I saw her through her dating that followed her divorce and bit my tongue many times. She chooses men that are completely wrong for her in every way. It really is amazing. When I worked nights we would talk on the phone between 1-3 hrs a night 5 times a week, we would always hang out on Friday nights while Cole worked.

Than she started dating this guy and I quickly found out that she was one of those woman who dumps their friends for a guy. I don't expect for nothing to change but I make time for my female friendships while still having time for Cole.

The first straw that broke the camel's back so to speak was last year on my birthday. We had made plans with a bunch of people to go out to supper and back here for some birthday cake. I hadn't heard from her in close to a month and at 4:30 when our reservations are for 6:00 she calls to cancel. She didn't feel well. She didn't call on my actual birthday a few days later. Than we exchanged a few emails about me being upset and than didn't speak for six months.

So here I am again. We started talking again in the summer and see each other from time to time but honestly I don't really know why I even bother. We hardly talk and when we do make plans she will usually cancel them about 3-4 times every time before we actually see each other. I'm just tired of being the one who makes all the effort in this relationship.

I want a friend that values me as much as I value them and I don't feel I'm getting it from her. Do you ever just keep a friend around because its too awkward not too?

Finally a loss~

2010-02-12T03:54:00.003-04:00

Well my weigh in was last night and I lost 2.2 pds. I am so happy. Yesterday the weather was so perfect. I walked for a total of 3 hours.

I came home from work, put on so comfy clothes, a big floppy purse and set out. I walked for like two hours-I did stop into a store to get Cole's valentines present but mostly walked. It felt so good. Later I walked for an hour to my meeting. I am so loving having a clear sidewalk for a change. I knew I would miss outdoor walking but I really didn't know that it would be to this extent.

I decided to finally stay to a meeting and they had a substitute leader there so I still don't really know if I will like the meetings on Thursdays or not. Oh swells~

Today I woke up @ 2am with bad p pains and a little nausea so I called in sick to work. It is a huge bummer because Cole is there now and when I called to tell him he said ah that sucks I did up your desk for valentines day-he is so romantic I so wish I had felt good today-would have been nice to have my roses & chocolates at work-haha.

Yesterday I did two things to try and get me out of my comfort zone with regards to my last post. One being only really eating while sitting and therefore sometimes going too late between meals, snacks and another is dressing down in public.

Years ago when I was of an healthy weight I used to love wearing comfy clothing and just going places, seeing where the day took me sort of thing but I haven't done that in forever. Its one of those things you don't even really remember missing until you do it again.

You see if there is ever any chance I'm going to run into a store I will have jeans or dress pants on, be showered ( well I'm not really giving this one up, haha), maybe have on jewellery, you know the deal. I guess I once I gained my weight I didn't really want people to mistake me for a slobby fat person.

So yesterday I put on my yoga pants, a big comfy sweatshirt, my sneakers and a big floppy purse and I set out where the day took me. I mostly walked but I did stop into the bank and a couple of stores and you know what? It felt amazing. I think I will be making a habit of this. And on the way home I had a snack while walking-look at me I'm growing as a person-hopefully shrinking my waist too.

Routine, Routine, Routine

2010-02-11T03:57:00.004-04:00

Man I don't feel good. I still have the cold-cold sore, on and off earache, and now I have the tom's. This sucks. I have to face the scale at ww tonight-then I have to post it-boo.

I think I realized something about myself yesterday. I remember blogging before about having a certain routine about when I eat. Ex.. liking to always sit down to eat, having a nice plate, etc. While these things can be good in the sense that you realize you are eating and slowing down I do know the pitfall.....

This sort of routine will often delay me from having my snacks and therefore by the time I will get to my snack I end up reaching for more. I never really knew I was so into a routine until yesterday.

I walk home from work and right away I usually do the dishes, pack lunches, get supper ready, have a shower than have a snack, usually by then I am really super duper hungry.

Yesterday I came home and had to call a store, then I set about finding the biggest loser on the web, and got into my email/facebook/blogger. Before I knew it a bit of time had gotten ahead of me and I wondered if I should have my snack before my cleaning but I felt anxious to just have a snack on the go without sitting down-yes I'm a weirdo.

I think over the weekend I'm going to try-both days-to just casually snack on the go. Once I started gaining weight I always felt like I couldn't or maybe didn't want to eat in public. It feels like people will pity me, think I'm weak, etc. I always envy people who are just so casual about eating, and they should be, so should I. Would people really grudge me eating a healthy snack? Why do I make it all such a big deal?

The time is flying.

2010-02-09T15:39:00.008-04:00

Wow-hard to believe the weekend is gone already and I've got two shifts punched. Amazing how fast the time seems to be going.

I started thinking about that today and how quickly my wedding will be approaching. It is 13 months away. Walking home from work with the temperature being above -5 for the first time in a while got me in the mood for exercise.

I've been having a great week so far-this being the 2nd day-haha-and I've really stuck to a good food plan. Been eating lots of fresh veggies and fruit. I'm so grateful that the fruit we bought this week is especially delicious-so much easier-I just hate it when we buy a box of clementines only to have them taste yucky.

This coming weekend we are being offered some overtime and I was going to do it til I realized that Friday is the only real night Cole & I will get to celebrate Valentine's day and that is really important to us.

So many of my co-workers or ppl I know say they don't really do anything special for their spouse or vice versa. I can honestly say that Cole & I constantly show each other appreciation on a daily basis not just Valentine's day. Many ppl say oh just wait til you get married or have kids but I don't think either one of us would let the other get away with it. Whether its Cole scribbling me a little love note or me baking him his favorite treat we do these things often and we don't take them for granted.

Maybe it helps that we were friends first but I encourage anyone to do these things and to really see how fulfilling it can be to give.

Here are some pics of something Cole did for me last year. He made a trail for me to follow to the bathroom.

Hershey Kisses cause he really knows his woman.He had candles set up everywhere and a super hot bubble bath, just the way I like it.

Approaching week & resentment.

2010-02-07T12:17:00.003-04:00

Well its Sunday again. Another week is fast approaching. Where do the weekends go? Sundays are bittersweet-Cole has to sleep and that sucks but I do enjoy scrap booking so that is fun. I make sure to have all the chores done so I can just relax.

Speaking of chores I did the biggest one this morning. I cleaned out my fridge. This was no simple task as it should have been done ages ago but I figured it would be healthy to purge all the outdated crap-not to mention the room it would free up.

I should have taken pics cause we had stuff in there we would never in a million years eat-leftover McChicken sauce, etc, so gross-I cannot remember the last time I even ate MacDonald's probably over a year ago.

The fridge cleaning was awesome because it allowed me the room I needed for all the prep I'm doing for the healthy diet I'm doing this week. I got tons of fruits & veggies and even bagged up my own 100 calorie packs for it. I didn't go to my weigh in this week, partly due to my being sick the whole week, and partly cause I was nervous. I will be there this Thursday though-no doubts.

This week my almost mother in law started exercising in preparation for a trip down south. They went on one in March of last year too. To be quite honest I feel a twinge of resentment. Nothing about the trip but about the way they go about dieting.

They only need to lose a few pounds anyways but for a month or two they will absolutely talk about nothing other than this and its the foremost of every conversation. As a person who deals with weight, dieting, society, etc on a daily, monthly, yearly basis for over half my life I really hate this. It'll be you should try this or what should I do about this and my head almost wants to explode.

People who don't have serious weight issues just don't get it. I don't even know the way I'd like people to act around me but it really does rub me the wrong way how they obsess over it and the day they get back it won't be mentioned again.

I will leave you all now as I have to scrapbook-for my mental health if nothing more.

Support

2010-02-03T15:31:00.002-04:00

After a couple of days of being negative about my journey and blogging about it I decided to smarten up. I'm still not feeling well but I figured I can choose to be happy that I weigh a good deal less right now than I did from a year ago.

I decided that next week I'm going to try a pre-planned meal guide from one of my magazine. It has around 1500 calories per day and I can choose between three different choices for each meal with two snacks. The one I found has a lot of the foods I already like so it should be good.

I know that one of my big problems has been eating the same thing most days for so long. Another big reason for my funk is not being able to walk outside. I just love it, it works. I cannot wait for this snow/ice to melt its maddening.

Thanks everyone for the unwavering support and encouraging messages you all rock!

blurg.............

2010-02-01T15:34:00.003-04:00

Hey Everyone-I'm still here. After my horrible weigh in on Thursday evening I spent Friday feeling sorry for myself and then when I woke up on Saturday I had this crappy head cold, which I still have by the way.

I binged all weekend long and didn't exercise. Its me-I'm a self sabotager. My name is Candace and I'm a self sabotager. Right at the very moment I have a ear ache and a toothache-in fact the whole right side of my head generally aches.

For the first time in my life I feel like I've lost my appetite. Maybe I ate so much on the weekend I reached my cap of calories, whatever it is I forced myself to eat lunch and am trying to stay awake to force myself to eat supper.

Sometimes I feel like the journey to lose over a hundred pounds for me takes so long that its the main reason why I can't do it. I wonder if I can keep myself on track during the hard times to make it to the goal?

Depressing~

2010-01-29T03:56:00.002-04:00

I gained 2.4 pds. I'm in shock. Walking to my meeting I'm saying to myself " Be happy with any loss" or even a small gain cause my body is getting used to the workouts but this. Its hard not to get depressed when my muscles ached the whole walk there, in the dark, on the icy sidewalk.

All I can do is try and switch up some of my food choices and chug along.... boo....

A healty combination~

2010-01-27T15:45:00.003-04:00

Around an hour ago I finished day 3 of the 30 day Shred-I know why it must be called that cause it feels like my muscles have been shredded and put back in my clothes.

Seriously you should see me try to walk. I knew I was out of shape but this is really crazy. Oh well no pain no gain right. I did seem to get a bigger movement with my jumping jacks so that is good.

Last night we went to Swiss Chalet and just like I said I ordered a salad instead of fries. I only stole two of Cole's to so that was good. The food was awesome as usual. It was really nice to get out with Cole during the week.

Tomorrow I go get weighed. I'm really curious about what it will say since I had a really great week food/exercise wise. I can never really tell cause my body fluctuates but whatever it says I'm still proud of the choices I made this week. Yah me.

There is this woman at work who is a little taller than me but she probably weighs 450 pds and I really feel so bad for her. She looks so uncomfortable and during my lunch break she will eat chips from the vending machine. She seems so unhappy and I just want to hug her. Its so hard seeing someone like that and not reaching out and saying how much blogging is helping me this time. I told Cole last night that this time (losing weight) feels so different-so much more attainable because of my blog and having ppl comment and care about me and my journey-thanks everyone :)

Girlish~

2010-01-26T17:43:00.003-04:00

Today was day 2 for the 30 Day Shred-my god my thighs are so incredibly sore. Today at work I could hardly move, thankfully we do all our work on computers anyway but still. I do like that I know its doing something but I definitely don't like how out of shape I am.

Since I got back on track the last couple of weeks I can feel that I definitely carry myself differently. I walk a little taller and check myself out a little more in the mirror. I seem to take more interest in my appearance, ex-putting on a little makeup, accessories, etc.

I know that Cole loves when I do these things and I love feeling more girly too. When I'm not dieting or exercising I just feel slobby and therefore don't put much effort in.

This evening we are going to Swiss Chalet for supper and I'm going to order salad instead of fries, for the Canadians who read my blog you will know how hard this is since they have the most awesome fries. I'm just happy to get out with Cole-miss having him on the same shift as me so much.

I haven't decided if I'm going to do the 30 day shred thing fully but so far so good. Its really important for me to walk home and put on my workout gear before I get sidelined. I have to ignore the dirty dishes, Internet, etc until I get my workout in cause if I do it in reverse I will never do it.

I exercised and lived to write about it.

2010-01-25T16:17:00.003-04:00

Well I did the first level of the 30 day Shred. Man alive am I out of shape. No seriously I thought I was going to die-it was only me there but I was begging for my life-my eyelids sweat.

I learned something about myself-I really hate jumping jacks. Not only do I have a really sucky sports bra but I need a tamer for my stomach too-definitely not attractive. It will get better right? Anybody? Anybody?

Another thing I realized today too is that my metabolism must be pumping hard. I eat every few hours and it feels like I'm constantly hungry now. I have to figure out something between 12-3 cause I eat around 11:45 and then didn't have a snack til 3:30 and I felt really light headed and almost to the point of getting sick-I have a slight headache now. Its really crazy cause the whole reason I gained my weight was because I would go like 10-12 hours without eating and then eat my supper and snacks all at once.

I'm really hoping the Wii Fit comes in soon so I can switch it up-if I can even move tomorrow :)

Embarrestment

2010-01-25T04:00:00.004-04:00

I was reading some blogs yesterday and something Katie said on her blog really hit home. She said she had a house guest but needed them to give her an hour in the evenings so she could workout but she felt anxiety over it (sorta making a big deal out of a situation).

It really struck a cord with me cause I feel I do this too. I didn't in the past and I wonder if its me trying to go unnoticed in my bigger body.

A huge example of this was just a few weeks ago when I started my new shift at work. We work on computers all the time and have many different programs with many different passwords. I had forgotten a password for one and it wouldn't let me change it for some reason. Everyone else was logged in a working but its really not a big deal if your not. My face was about as red as a tomato having to ask someone to help me.

I wasn't like this before and its a characteristic that I hate about myself now. Why be embarrassed of something like this? Nobody was even looking at me. I don't really understand why I'm like this at times but I'm looking to change it. Hopefully as I lose a bit more weight it won't be an issue anymore.

Its the weekend~

2010-01-23T19:53:00.004-04:00

Last night we had Kelly & Rodney over for supper and to play the Wii. We had so much fun. They got here around 6 and we ate shortly after they arrived. I made Chicken Hurry with Potatoes and two desserts-Gingerbread Cake w/glaze and Snack and 1/2 squares for some reason I only got pics of the chicken and the cake :

Then we had to burn that off and started playing the Wii :

Rodney was really good for a beginner and I teased that he probably had one at work, haha.

I like to pretend random things are microphones-what can I say?Kelly beat me at bowling by one point but my cat sabotaged my game by getting behind my swing-Kelly probably paid her off.Pepper doesn't get out much and had to smell Kelly's wheel she never saw a scooter before.Really intent on winning-Rodney reminds me of Liam Neeson.Today we ran a few errands in the morning and then came to hang out by ourselves all day which was really nice. Since I decided to use most of my flex points on desserts/chocolates this week we ate all our meals in. This was today's supper :

So Yummy-Self Explanatory-Chicken, Potatoes & Corn

Every time I got up to Pee, get a glass of water, etc I would come back and Pepper would be lying on my electric blanket-look how innocent she looks.Tomorrow I'll be chilling by myself for most of the day since Cole will have to sleep-I plan on Scrapbooking and working out-I got the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred so we'll see how that works out-once I get the Wii Fit Plus I plan on alternating them.

Weekly Weigh-In

2010-01-22T03:53:00.003-04:00

Hey All-well I got weighed last night and guess what? I lost 2.4pds. I am too excited and just imagine how much I could have lost if I had the Wii Fit Already. We have been calling everyday but its still not in yet-boo to them.

Yesterday was an awesome day-I just love my job and the people I work with-we all have little chats in between listening to our ipods and it feels great. On the overnights I felt like I didn't connect with anyone and it sucked.

Cole started to feel better as he had a cold all week, I lost the weight, and I found out that they have a different leader for Thursday nights so that is awesome. Everything just went good yesterday. I leave for work in a bit and then come home, nap, prepare for company and then have fun.

I made two desserts for tomorrow night-snack and 1/2 squares and Gingerbread cake w/glaze. Cole always talks about that cake so I found a recipe-he woke up frothing at the mouth but I said sorry not til tomorrow-I can be so cruel at times.

My supper from the other day of meatballs with sweet potato fries didn't look like much when it was finished and I was disappointed but boy was it ever tasty. Really yummy tasting. Does anyone know a good way to crisp sweet potato fries?

Midweek chatter.

2010-01-20T16:17:00.007-04:00

This week is going pretty fast. I'm waiting to get weighed in tomorrow in the hopes that there is a different leader on Thursdays. If its the same one my friend Kelly said she would go with me and we can laugh our way through it-haha.

Kelly and her husband are the couple coming for supper on Friday. Kelly has MS and is in a scooter, everyday I think of her and so appreciate the things I take for granted. She was telling me of a time when she needed a nap before going out and she couldn't get herself from her scooter to the bed so she just had to try and nap in her scooter. It really puts the day to day trials in my life into prospective. Anyways we are going to play Wii and I just love hanging out with the two of them.

Yesterday I posted about my love of scrapbooking and Katie J asked for some pics. Its really hard to get a great pic that captures them well but here are a few:

Some pics of Ben from Christmas Morning.Some pics of us building a SnowGirl with GabbySome pics of Gabby from Christmas Morning.A page of Cole & IThis is a page of me & Mom-I weigh around 195 in this pic-I miss me then :)This evening for supper I'm making homemade baked sweet potatoes fries and Sweet & Sour Meatballs done in the slow cooker. Here's the Meatballs: Tomorrow I'll be back with my weigh in results and I'll let you know how the supper turns out.

Scrapbooking and more~

2010-01-19T04:01:00.003-04:00

I miss the weekend. I so love the weekend. I woke up today with a headache so today sucks so far, haha. Not a great note to start on but I'm sure it won't last long.

I'm getting so much more accomplished now that I'm working days, making appointments, organizing, so much easier when its daytime. I can't wait til Cole gets on days too-we'll be a dynamic duo then-haha.

I've been having a really nice time getting in my scrapbooking lately-Its a hobby I love so much and now that its all organized its so much more easier to do a page and clean up the rest. I think its so relaxing and when I'm doing it I don't even think about food.

We got our Wii but now we are waiting for a Wii Fit to come in. We have a gift card to Futureshop so we are waiting for them to get one. I can't wait though cause a woman at work has one and just loves hers. I know its something I would use a lot.

We recently became friends with a couple and yesterday I invited them to supper on Friday. Maybe we'll all play Wii or a board game afterwards. My friend told me that on the Wii Fit you can hide your weight from others so that won't be so bad-haha-not looking forward to hearing it groan though-haha.

A friend I need.

2010-01-16T21:09:00.005-04:00

I live in a town where I have very few friends. Is it me? I really don't know. Both Cole and myself find it extremely hard to get and maintain friendships in this town. We continually invite people over and sometimes they come sometimes we don't even get a response.

Two of the closest friendships I had here basically ended. One woman I was friends with for 8 years and helped her deal during a bad time only to have her move and she didn't even tell me. The other friend got a new guy and though we used to talk every night prior to him now she might call every three weeks.

I feel like I'm funny, giving, etc but I don't know what is up with this. My friends from my hometown can't figure it out when I tell them but this town is very clicky I guess. I recently started making a few friends and now I made a few more at work on my new schedule.

I often feel that if my blogger friends lived closer we would be actual real life friends, I'm so open to my blogger friends and never feel judged and that makes for the best friends.

I guess I just sort of feel down right now. Cole is doing a job he does once a month and then I'll spend the whole day tomorrow by myself while he sleeps to prepare to work tomorrow night. Most days I enjoy my alone time but I think sometimes its hard. On the bright side we are hoping that Cole will soon get a day shift too-It would be so amazing.

Last night we went out to dinner and to the movie "The Lovely Bones" it was amazing. Before the movie we went to Chapters too and I read a bit of the book The end of overeating. Seems like a good read. Usually I'm prowling around for things to read but with my new morning shift my reading material is stacking up since I pass right out at bedtime-I'm not complaining though.

I've been nominated by Loriann from Amazon Runner for an award and part of it was to state 10 things that make you happy. There is one major thing I am happy about right now and that is that my company donated a little over a million dollars to the people of Haiti. Those people are in my prayers and I pray that the money goes where it is needed most.

Color me pathetic...

2010-01-14T15:59:00.005-04:00

I just finished doing something rather pointless and embarrassing. I facebook stalked a complete stranger. The reason? She has the body I want.

The body I long to have for myself isn't like Kate Moss its more like Kate Winslet. I long to have a beautiful body that is extremely feminine. I would love nothing more than to look and feel good in beautiful skirts, dresses, heels, etc.

The girl I stalked is pretty and has a nice body. I spent a half hour clicking my way through pics of her skiing, dining at restaurants, on vacation, etc just to see the outfits and to day dream.

I've spent plenty of time flipping through magazines or catalogs to day dream to and dare I even say that I've actually read health magazines while binging. What would a shrink say about that I wonder?

Last evening was my first time back to Weight Watchers in almost a month and today I was awesome. I ate within my points and have my supper all figured out. Yah me~

I have to find out what the meeting is like on Thursdays cause the more I think about this one the more anxiety I feel. I miss my Friday meeting where the members were honest about finding it hard to not eat too much or exercise. I don't like meetings where everyone pretends they can hardly eat.

I decided now I would post a pic from my high school years when I though I was so fat. Man if only I could go back and slap myself.

Thats me in the front with my super fly shirt and my worry doll necklace on. A real pig hey? haha. Those two girls on either side of me are still two of my closest friends Lori & Fern.

Weigh in~

2010-01-14T04:00:00.004-04:00

Well everyone the verdict is in. I weighed in last night and gained 4.2 pds. Considering It had been a few weeks I didn't take it too bad. This week I will be tracking like a madwoman.

I'm not usually a person that feels the need to share tmi (too much information) but I feel the need right now-this isn't for the weak at heart.

Here goes : I planned to walk to my weight watcher meeting and for Cole to pick me up. I had received a book from a fellow blogger and was happily reading it on the couch while watching Sex and the City when I realized I had to leave. I was stressed about walking into this meeting late for the first time. I decided to take a short cut but of course the sidewalks weren't plowed. Once I made it to a very popular street with actual plowed sidewalks I noticed something tragic. In my haste to get ready I mustn't have secured the adhesive backing to my pad and now it was stuck to the skin on my bum. With my super thick gloves and the fact that there was after work traffic I couldn't do anything about it. This was not my lame economic at home attempt at a bikini wax-This was so much pain. Too much pain. So there you have it.

Anyways I really disliked the meeting. I know I am biased to Ann but I find this leader too much like a school teacher demanding answers from the crowd-it bugs me. I don't know if they offer any other meetings in the evening but I have to check it out.

So 4.2 is bad but I said to myself on the way down that as long as it was under 5pds I wouldn't be too upset. I think I gained the most of my fellow bloggers? Boo. I don't mind being a leader people but at this sucks-haha. Whats the most you've ever lost in a week? I need inspiration to what can be accomplished.

Beautiful Blog Award

2010-01-13T03:58:00.003-04:00

Katie J over at Katie J is on her way nominated me for a beautiful blog award. Thanks Katie. The rules dictate that I tell you 7 things about me that I don't know and to pass it on to 7 recipient's. Here goes :

I love my hair

I'm afraid of success

I have anxiety in big crowds and certain situations

I always read the last page of a magazine first then start from the beginning, but never a book.

Underneath my bed is filled with books and when we have company we pull the blanket down to cover it.

I absolutely love rain, would take it over anything most days.

I gave up all soda 4 1/2 years ago, I still miss it sometimes.

So there you have it. While I find all my blog friends beautiful I could only choose 7. Here they are please check them out.

Christi at CinciMom11:Losing the baby weight

Tasha at Girl Stuck in a Rut

Kat at Low-Fat Kat

Joanie at Blueprint 2010 : The Journey Continues

Enz at Downward Trenz

Loriann at Amazon Runner

What a Splurge

Please check these ladies out-they rock~