Happiness for me has an expiration date.

On May 24th my mother had a massive heart attack and died. My mother who was only 58 years old and 126 pounds was taken from me.
Fourteen days ago I woke up, got ready for work and was making coffee when our phone rang at 4:30am. Cole & I tend to screen our calls anyway so we looked at each other. I answered. My aunt said sorry Candace but your mother had a heart attack and is on life support. Cole raced to work to tell them and while he was gone my brother called to say mom died.
Its so surreal to write these things and still it seems like it can't be real. Mom walked me down the aisle in Dominican just two short months ago. Then again at our reception here on May 14th. She cannot be gone.
Many friends and family flew home to the funeral and so many people have said she wouldn't have left until knowing you were okay-don't they realize if that is true I would go back in a minute and not get married, I would never let her know that my fiances are finally under control, anything to have my mom back.
People have the best intentions when they say things after a death but guess what? I don't want an angel forever I want my mom right now.
So many times over the last fourteen days I thought-if there had been some warning, anything to make it not so sudden-I know deep in my heart that wouldn't have made it easier-it just would have made the times we spent together wrenching. We had no idea and boy did we ever laugh-I made Mom laugh a lot and of that I am grateful.
I have cried what seems like hundreds of times in the last fourteen days and I don't know how I will ever get over this heartbreak. My mom's speech at my wedding was to give her grandchildren and one of the last conversations I had with her was that she was going to move up here with us and babysit our children while we worked, she wanted to buy me the baby bullet so I could make baby food and she was coming in the delivery room.
My heart is just sick thinking of doing any of these things without my mom.

Two in one day?

I finally got a family doctor and it turns out I have high blood pressure, a possible heart murmur and maybe a bad thyroid.

I have to go for blood work next month and monitor my bp. Imagine what it would have been if I hadn't lost those 72 pounds. It really is unbelievable.

I have been overweight and dieting for years and while I've been on a roll since January I am really tired sometimes.

Don't get me wrong. I really enjoy working out now. I do the precor and treadmill, the machines, classes, etc. I try to increase my levels and speeds once a week or so and now I am working out harder than most of the "skinny" people at my gym.

The thing that bothers me is the food situation. I pretty much have to follow a diet right to the letter, and exercise a ton to drop the weight. My dream is to be able to follow something all week and eat what I want (within reason) on the weekends. Wouldn't that be lovely?

Maybe once my thyroid results come in and the wedding is over things with settle down a bit and I won't feel so jumpy-

We leave a week from today and I am beyond excited.

Update!

Hi Anyone and Everyone.
For those of you who were kind enough to email and message me-thanks so much. I'm so sorry I've been a total flake.
I can't even remember when I last posted but here is an update on me. Starting in November I went and got my dress, ate badly until January 4th-got on the scale and had gotten back up to 223pds, starting exercising at the gym, eating good and yesterday I weighed in at 196pds.
I leave in exactly one week for the wedding and get married on April 2nd. Though I'm not at goal I am really excited about what I was able to do. In total from when I got engaged I have lost 72 pds.
Hope all is well with my peeps and I seriously plan to get into this again when the excitement dies down.

Hormones?

Hi Everyone,
Thanks so much for the comments and for not giving up on me. I don't really know whats going on with my head right now but I'm just not feeling it.

It being the gusto for losing weight. What to eat, how much, measuring, blogging, exercising, etc has been something I have been struggling with.

The reason I guess is that I've been dieting on a off for over half my life and I'm still fat. I know I have made great strides and that has pleased me but I just can't explain.

Right now is when most people would be going nuts to lose weight for the wedding and all I want to do is eat-what is wrong with me? I feel like I've gained about 15 pounds in the last month and honestly I'm afraid to get on the scale.

In the last month I've had a big fight with my mom because she couldn't come to get my wedding dress with me-something we had planned since January and I went to get my dress all by myself. I'm so in love with it but something that was supposed to be a happy day was just a wash. I know I shouldn't be complaining-many people have it a lot worse-maybe I am just super hormonal-who knows?

Anyways I am going to try and get updated with everyone's blogs-missed you all so much-my computer is on and off on the fritz so it may take days-haha.

Love you all

Need to find some motivation~

I weighed in today and lost 1 pd. Its all good. I feel really unmotivated right now for some reason so I was happy with a loss. I really don't know what to say-I want to eat all day and not exercise. It may be the weather I don't know. Its freaking freezing here and I have lost my mojo.

On a brighter note my mom is coming today til Sunday. Its not really for the best reason cause she is basically being forced to move back to Canada. My mother and Stepfather have both had surgeries and medical problems over the last couple of years and financially they can't take the risk of accumulating more bills. In Canada their medical will be taken care of so its a no-brainer.
They actually should have moved years ago but its a hard decision to make.

She is actually going to be even harder to visit now because she will be like 14 hours away via car and boat while right now she is 6 hrs away-bummer~

Anyways she will be here for 2 days and hopefully back in a couple of weeks to go down for black Friday with Cole & I.

Here's hoping we all find the motivation we need this week~

Kicking my own butt~

Today I weighed in and stayed the same again this week. I have to get my act together. I can feel myself slipping. I don't know what is wrong with me.

The past two weeks I haven't eaten in the first couple of hours after waking. I just get ready for work and once there have a coffee. Its something I know is wrong and somehow I just do it.

I know I haven't been eating right because for me I need to eat every couple of hours to boost my metabolism but I just don't have the motivation or something.

I want to feel good trying to find my wedding dress so for the next 24 days I have to really kick it into overdrive and make good decisions.

I vow right here and now to do my best to eat every few hours, stock the house with lots of healthy food and eat breakfast :)

Recap~

This past week has been a blur and then the weekend sorta sucked. We went to Cole's parents place on Thursday for his fathers birthday. It was a little normal, haha. Got home later than usual and had to make stuff for Cole's bosses party at work. Hardly got any sleep.

I didn't weigh myself because I slept through my alarm and was running late. Friday I eat flex points with my friend from work so I have forgone my weigh in til next Friday.

Friday night we went in for overtime and I had an upset tummy all night. Must be a touch of the stomach flu or something.

I lazed around all day on Saturday and on Sunday I made the rest of my place cards for the wedding. So far we have 13 people booked at the resort for the wedding. Not too bad. Many more are saying maybe.

We go on vacation in three weeks and are going to the black Friday sales and to get my wedding dress, so excited!!!