Happiness for me has an expiration date.

On May 24th my mother had a massive heart attack and died. My mother who was only 58 years old and 126 pounds was taken from me.
Fourteen days ago I woke up, got ready for work and was making coffee when our phone rang at 4:30am. Cole & I tend to screen our calls anyway so we looked at each other. I answered. My aunt said sorry Candace but your mother had a heart attack and is on life support. Cole raced to work to tell them and while he was gone my brother called to say mom died.
Its so surreal to write these things and still it seems like it can't be real. Mom walked me down the aisle in Dominican just two short months ago. Then again at our reception here on May 14th. She cannot be gone.
Many friends and family flew home to the funeral and so many people have said she wouldn't have left until knowing you were okay-don't they realize if that is true I would go back in a minute and not get married, I would never let her know that my fiances are finally under control, anything to have my mom back.
People have the best intentions when they say things after a death but guess what? I don't want an angel forever I want my mom right now.
So many times over the last fourteen days I thought-if there had been some warning, anything to make it not so sudden-I know deep in my heart that wouldn't have made it easier-it just would have made the times we spent together wrenching. We had no idea and boy did we ever laugh-I made Mom laugh a lot and of that I am grateful.
I have cried what seems like hundreds of times in the last fourteen days and I don't know how I will ever get over this heartbreak. My mom's speech at my wedding was to give her grandchildren and one of the last conversations I had with her was that she was going to move up here with us and babysit our children while we worked, she wanted to buy me the baby bullet so I could make baby food and she was coming in the delivery room.
My heart is just sick thinking of doing any of these things without my mom.

Two in one day?

I finally got a family doctor and it turns out I have high blood pressure, a possible heart murmur and maybe a bad thyroid.

I have to go for blood work next month and monitor my bp. Imagine what it would have been if I hadn't lost those 72 pounds. It really is unbelievable.

I have been overweight and dieting for years and while I've been on a roll since January I am really tired sometimes.

Don't get me wrong. I really enjoy working out now. I do the precor and treadmill, the machines, classes, etc. I try to increase my levels and speeds once a week or so and now I am working out harder than most of the "skinny" people at my gym.

The thing that bothers me is the food situation. I pretty much have to follow a diet right to the letter, and exercise a ton to drop the weight. My dream is to be able to follow something all week and eat what I want (within reason) on the weekends. Wouldn't that be lovely?

Maybe once my thyroid results come in and the wedding is over things with settle down a bit and I won't feel so jumpy-

We leave a week from today and I am beyond excited.

Update!

Hi Anyone and Everyone.
For those of you who were kind enough to email and message me-thanks so much. I'm so sorry I've been a total flake.
I can't even remember when I last posted but here is an update on me. Starting in November I went and got my dress, ate badly until January 4th-got on the scale and had gotten back up to 223pds, starting exercising at the gym, eating good and yesterday I weighed in at 196pds.
I leave in exactly one week for the wedding and get married on April 2nd. Though I'm not at goal I am really excited about what I was able to do. In total from when I got engaged I have lost 72 pds.
Hope all is well with my peeps and I seriously plan to get into this again when the excitement dies down.

Hormones?

Hi Everyone,
Thanks so much for the comments and for not giving up on me. I don't really know whats going on with my head right now but I'm just not feeling it.

It being the gusto for losing weight. What to eat, how much, measuring, blogging, exercising, etc has been something I have been struggling with.

The reason I guess is that I've been dieting on a off for over half my life and I'm still fat. I know I have made great strides and that has pleased me but I just can't explain.

Right now is when most people would be going nuts to lose weight for the wedding and all I want to do is eat-what is wrong with me? I feel like I've gained about 15 pounds in the last month and honestly I'm afraid to get on the scale.

In the last month I've had a big fight with my mom because she couldn't come to get my wedding dress with me-something we had planned since January and I went to get my dress all by myself. I'm so in love with it but something that was supposed to be a happy day was just a wash. I know I shouldn't be complaining-many people have it a lot worse-maybe I am just super hormonal-who knows?

Anyways I am going to try and get updated with everyone's blogs-missed you all so much-my computer is on and off on the fritz so it may take days-haha.

Love you all

Need to find some motivation~

I weighed in today and lost 1 pd. Its all good. I feel really unmotivated right now for some reason so I was happy with a loss. I really don't know what to say-I want to eat all day and not exercise. It may be the weather I don't know. Its freaking freezing here and I have lost my mojo.

On a brighter note my mom is coming today til Sunday. Its not really for the best reason cause she is basically being forced to move back to Canada. My mother and Stepfather have both had surgeries and medical problems over the last couple of years and financially they can't take the risk of accumulating more bills. In Canada their medical will be taken care of so its a no-brainer.
They actually should have moved years ago but its a hard decision to make.

She is actually going to be even harder to visit now because she will be like 14 hours away via car and boat while right now she is 6 hrs away-bummer~

Anyways she will be here for 2 days and hopefully back in a couple of weeks to go down for black Friday with Cole & I.

Here's hoping we all find the motivation we need this week~

Kicking my own butt~

Today I weighed in and stayed the same again this week. I have to get my act together. I can feel myself slipping. I don't know what is wrong with me.

The past two weeks I haven't eaten in the first couple of hours after waking. I just get ready for work and once there have a coffee. Its something I know is wrong and somehow I just do it.

I know I haven't been eating right because for me I need to eat every couple of hours to boost my metabolism but I just don't have the motivation or something.

I want to feel good trying to find my wedding dress so for the next 24 days I have to really kick it into overdrive and make good decisions.

I vow right here and now to do my best to eat every few hours, stock the house with lots of healthy food and eat breakfast :)

Recap~

This past week has been a blur and then the weekend sorta sucked. We went to Cole's parents place on Thursday for his fathers birthday. It was a little normal, haha. Got home later than usual and had to make stuff for Cole's bosses party at work. Hardly got any sleep.

I didn't weigh myself because I slept through my alarm and was running late. Friday I eat flex points with my friend from work so I have forgone my weigh in til next Friday.

Friday night we went in for overtime and I had an upset tummy all night. Must be a touch of the stomach flu or something.

I lazed around all day on Saturday and on Sunday I made the rest of my place cards for the wedding. So far we have 13 people booked at the resort for the wedding. Not too bad. Many more are saying maybe.

We go on vacation in three weeks and are going to the black Friday sales and to get my wedding dress, so excited!!!

Staying the same-this week :)

I weighed in and stayed the same this week. I wasn't surprised. This week was weird.

I only got to two classes because I was having a tooth/ear ache thing on Wednesday and Thursday I had my appointment with my credit counsellor.

This week is so different because Cole finally got on a day shift with me. He had a really hard time Monday/Tuesday but I think he's finally getting into the swing of things and he's gonna be pumped to get off work early today and then have until Monday morning.

Have to catch up on my other blogs now that I'm getting used to Cole being around-haha.

Results

I was so frightened to weigh myself today. I did everything right. I did four aerobic classes, walked on my breaks at work, ate my correct points, etc. Bam..... I lost 2.5 pds. I'm totally stoked. My hard work paid off. Though it wasn't really that hard. I'm loving the classes so much that I look forward to them and do anything not to miss them. That is, apparently, the key for me.

I need to exercise to drop good numbers but I need to enjoy my exercise to stick to it. Thank God I joined the gym!

We are both going in for overtime tonight and we are working on Thanksgiving too to get the holiday pay. Its hard working so much but will be totally worth it to buy lots of new clothes on black Friday. Can't wait.

I'm just so happy to have lost that weight you don't even know. I told Cole yesterday if I didn't lose this week that I was going to donate my body to science so they could research how someone can do everything right and still not lose-haha.

Have a great weekend~

Woo hoo~

Just a quick post to let you all know I'm feeling better.

I also wanted to let you know about a few things I just started noticing about my weight loss:

• I am now able to fit into some of my old clothing that was always too small before
• I lost almost an inch around my ankle-noticed this with my ankle bracelet
• Am now able to go in another loop on my bra

How exciting is that???

Seeing red~

Yesterday was a really bad day. I got home from work and Mom called to say my brother and family will not be going to the wedding.

The reason is that my niece has allergies to peanuts and stuff. I'm just super disappointed and really a little pissed.

Of course I totally understand the allergy thing but all along it was can't wait to go and we'll have to see what they do about allergies, etc.

So we finally book the day before yesterday and now they can't go. Maybe if they had told me beforehand I would have changed my mind.

Also my mother and husband have all these medical bills and stuff and are now moving back to Canada but they will now be even farther away from me than before.

For the last year or so we had it all worked out that Mom & I would pick out my dress in New Hampshire. So now she is moving to Canada this month. Since we have known, about two months, we (me and Cole) have been rearranging plans.

We figured that Cole would drive the 8 hours to pick her up, drive back the 8 hours the next day or so later we would drive to New Hampshire and stay 4 nights-with us paying for everything.

So now Mom says I don't know if I will be able to go since we will have just moved. You wanted me to help pick out your wedding dress is that it? Like it was the first time hearing it.

I'm seeing red right now. We should have just eloped. So I guess I will pick out my dress by myself and walk myself down the aisle-nice.

Well yesterday instead of just getting mad and eating-I went to my step aerobics and worked out my aggression-something I wouldn't have done in the past and then I came home, had supper, and went to sleep~

Planning done~

Well people here we are into another week. Its crazy how fast the time is going.

Cole & I have finally finalized our wedding plans and picked a resort. Its the Bavaro Princess All Suites Spa & Casino in Punta Cana.

We are beyond excited and we are finally feeling a bunch of the stress leaving us. I was feeling stress because people wanted to know where, when, etc.

Then we make this decision and everyone is saying omg I can't believe we have to decide now and need to make a deposit, etc. People (our families) are just crazy its really hard to take. We told them over a year ago to save and now some of them haven't.

But either way we are going to have an awesome time-can't wait.

I haven't let my weight gain discourage me and I did my Body Combat yesterday and today is Body Step-so love it~

:(

I gained 3 pounds. I didn't know what my body would do after the detox but I had no idea it would do this.

I take comfort in the fact that I feel so good. I'm on my period too so maybe that is in the weight gain too.

I'm continuing with the working out and will see where it leads. Do you think I should eat any activity points? I don't but am wondering if I should.

No longer phoning it in~

Today my body is so sore. I really gave it my all the last two days at aerobics. I figure I will try a little bit more each week to step it up. Now I'm paying for it-haha.

I really have to say that other than being in pain I am just so happy and content right now. I'm so pleased that I joined the gym and finished the detox.

The detox was so super hard but really gave me a newfound appreciation for food. Before the detox I always had a strong craving for all kinds of bad foods daily. Even on days I did eat the right number of points they weren't always the best points. Weekends were especially brutal.

Doing the detox for three weeks now makes everything I eat taste so good. Just a simple bowl of high fiber cereal with skim milk tastes really delicious and sweet.

Coming home from work and packing lunches is no longer a huge struggle for me I just pack them eat a yogurt and I'm fine.

The detox isn't for everyone but for me it was great.

I was really apprehensive about joining the gym. In the past I would join and either not go or join and phone it in when I was there. I thought this time I would too.

I decided to totally change my attitude when going to the gym. I no longer feel like this embarrassed fat girl. I pay my membership like everyone else and I deserve to be there.

I walk in with my head held proud and I give eye contact and smile. Most of the guys there are so busy looking at themselves in the mirror anyways-haha.

I'm totally loving it. The classes are so fun, the music is awesome and I know for a fact I am pushing myself 100 times harder than I ever would at home. I'm so glad this time is different.

Setting Goals.

I'm feeling really sore today from yesterday's Body Combat class. I must have kicked butt-haha. I've been asked by Katie what my new goals are gonna be. Honestly I really don't know.

I don't want to get too tied to the scale and discouraged since I'm working out a lot. I will have to post so more pics soon.

I guess by the end of November I would like to have another 10 pounds gone-that would be lovely. I can't wait to buy some new clothes in November at the black Friday sales-gonna be fun I hope.

Today is Kelly's procedure-praying for a miracle.

Weight Loss and a cake~

The detox is over. YAH! I weighed in and lost another pound. I was both happy and sad at the same time. I was happy because all week I could hardly bring myself to eat since all the food was so gross to me by then and I didn't feel like I was going to lose anything. Along the same line I was sad that I went all week eating hardly anything I liked, exercising and only losing 1 pound. My pic of the scale is getting worse because you can't see the 200 and the 2 at the same time. Guess I'll just have to go into the 190's to make it easier-haha. So hard to believe I'm getting so close to Onederland. Its scary though because I don't want to get my hopes up and start messing up this roll I've been on.

The gym is still awesome and I can't wait to get there today @ 4:30. What a change it is to actually enjoy exercise. I don't feel really big and heavy doing aerobics either-its so strange. You would think it would be one of the hardest exercises being overweight but I can keep up so I probably sell myself short and I probably can do a lot of other exercises too.

Kelly is now in Poland for her operation. She left on Friday and her operation is tomorrow. This past Tuesday I made her and Rodney this cake:
Its a four layer Walnut, Praline Cake with Homemade Cream Cheese Frosting with Chocolate Fudge Frosting in between the layers. Kelly & Rodney both have the biggest sweet tooth you could imagine-even worse than mine. Kelly called me 4 times on Tuesday night to talk about how much they loved it and her mom emailed me too. haha. I love feeding people who love food.

All weekend I watched Cupcake Wars and Unwrapped. It made me think more and more about someday opening a bakery. Maybe a Cupcake Bakery. Maybe someday when my financial situation is finally cleaned up.

Anyways I should be off. Today is the day I get to have coffee for the first time in 21 days. Sandra and I are having Subway for lunch too and then its back to Weight Watchers for me. 9 pounds in 3 weeks is great for me but if I do end up doing this detox again before the wedding I'm pretty sure I'll only do it for 2 weeks.

The end is near~

I am three days away from this detox being over!!! I am so happy that the end is near. I have had the worst cold this week. Really bad earaches, sore throat, stuffy nose. Being sick while on the detox has been challenging cause I want comfort food.

I did three aerobic classes so far this week-still loving them. Sandra & I are having Subway on Monday and I'm living for it-haha.

Onto week three~

Well everyone I'm really excited because I lost 4 pds again this week. This detox diet can be really hard but I haven't lost this great ever so I guess its worth it.

This past week I've had lots of energy and I did four classes of aerobics in a row-Mon, Tue, Wed, & Thur. The plan is to do it again this week. The classes are so fun and the music is awesome.

All week Cole is looking at me really different and he said I'm starting to look like a different person. My clothes feel a lot looser and it feels great.

I went out and bought a new pair of workout pants the kind that is really thin so it will be easier to move in them-the one's I wore all week had me hauling them up in the back during the workout. I hemmed them yesterday morning and they look and feel great. I also bought this wicked sports bra from Walmart for only $17 that is actually big enough to cover my chest and gives me support :)

I have a nasty cold right now-lots of people have it at work but all in all I have to say life is pretty good right now. Jerry is out of the hospital and mom said he is walking a couple of times a day-seems like this scare might have changed him-hopefully.

Kelly leaves on Friday for her operation-she got lots of money at her fundraiser so that is great.

I was really missing cheese on this diet-we can only have goat's milk cheese. So on Saturday Cole found me Feta Cheese made from goats milk. We had omelette's yesterday morning using it-so good and then I baked some chicken with Feta on top-great again-this will make this week easier :)

Bye for now peeps~

Week coming to an end

Well people I think I got it-finally. The exercise bug. I love the aerobics at the gym. Yesterday Kelly called me last minute to go to the hospital with her and I said yes.

Afterwards I was freaking because I wanted to be quick so I could workout. Before I would have been like wow awesome an excuse not to workout-even if I had the time.

Yesterday was Body Attack and man at one point I felt like I was going to puke. My calves are still pretty sore but I feel great.

I've been eating the same thing pretty much everyday so this detox is boring for me-hoping Monday when I weigh in I see another loss.

We are doing overtime tonight and relaxing tomorrow-at least that is the plan as of right now.
Have a great weekend.

Update~

Just a little update to let you know I'm loving the gym. I just got back from a Body Step class and yesterday I did Body Combat.

I'm proud that I have the stamina to stay up with everyone and my step co-ordination will catch up (hopefully).

I'm sticking hard to the detox even though it is super boring.

Better go the sweat is dripping over my eyelids....