blurg.............

Hey Everyone-I'm still here. After my horrible weigh in on Thursday evening I spent Friday feeling sorry for myself and then when I woke up on Saturday I had this crappy head cold, which I still have by the way.

I binged all weekend long and didn't exercise. Its me-I'm a self sabotager. My name is Candace and I'm a self sabotager. Right at the very moment I have a ear ache and a toothache-in fact the whole right side of my head generally aches.

For the first time in my life I feel like I've lost my appetite. Maybe I ate so much on the weekend I reached my cap of calories, whatever it is I forced myself to eat lunch and am trying to stay awake to force myself to eat supper.

Sometimes I feel like the journey to lose over a hundred pounds for me takes so long that its the main reason why I can't do it. I wonder if I can keep myself on track during the hard times to make it to the goal?

Big Fat Lies & Irritations

I got weighed in Today-technically yesterday by the time but who's keeping track? I stayed the same. I can honestly say that. Still 220.6 on the nose.

Its so strange but in the past I have lied about how I did. Not on my blog but to Cole, family and friends. I would weigh in and lose .6 and I'd say I lost 1 pd. I'd gain .6 and I'd say I stayed the same. Either they are all bad with math or they are on to my game.

I can't really explain why I did this but I'm trying to change it. Even now my first instinct is to bump up the number but I nip it in the bud.

I've lied to myself plenty in the past before too. The diet starts Monday, just one cookie, etc and its gotten me nowhere quick.

I'm a person that hardly ever gets irritated but the smallest thing has irritated me for a bit and it was finally resolved today. I'm a bit embarrassed that I even cared but I did. See if it would bother you too - Here's the story :

I have been with Weight Watchers on and off for about a year and I re-membered yet again in August. So they still went by my starting weight. Somewhere along the way someone made a mistake with the starting number 245.6 and put down 245. So every time I would weigh in I would be short this .6 of a pd.

At first, like any normal human being, it didn't bother me. Then I hit my 15pd goal and they registered it as 14.4. And then I hit 20 pds and they registered it as 19.4 and I said something, and they adjusted it wrong to show 19.8-uhhh.

I bit my tongue until I hit 25pds and she registered it at 24.8-I said 245.6-220.6 is 25pds and she said oh well you can still get the award at the meeting I won't tell anyone-like I was getting away with something-but I wasn't I did this. I earned this. I bit my tongue-accepted my award and went home.

Before my meeting yesterday I brought it up, I am relentless, and one of the workers got out a calculator and went over each of my ups and downs to figure out the mistake. I don't care when the mistake was made, who made it, I just want ppl to acknowledge that 245.6-220.6=25pds.

She finally said okay I will go by your weight and we'll figure out the problem later. Don't get me wrong I love all the workers and they were more than nice and I am never rude about it but hello people-whats a girl got to do to get some scale love?

Am I completely alone? Would anyone else even have bothered with something so trivial? Do I get the crickets?

I'll just open an Emotional Eatery!~

I never really thought of myself as an "Emotional Eater". I heard the saying tons and didn't really connect it to me, it sounded like a cop out. I figured I like food and have no self control, its that simple.

Then this week I decided to try something new. I'm trying to think about the reasons I gained the weight in the first place. I watch The Biggest Loser every week and watching Jillian break the contestants to the point where all their emotions come out makes me want to break.

My father died when I was 5 and my mother raised me by herself afterwards and while as a teenager I felt bigger than my friends I was, by no means, big. My mother remarried and moved to the states when I was 16 and my weight problems got worst.

Part of me wonders if this was the straw the broke the camels back but I really don't know since this was the first time I had a serious boyfriend and we ate a lot of crappy food together. I was about 30 pds overweight going into college.

While away at college I gained more. Than a few years later when I got into another serious relationship I was around 180 and our relationship was bad for me, really really bad and I came out of that relationship 6 years later @ around 260.

I know that deep down my mother harbours some guilt that by remarrying and moving away she somehow caused me to gain all this weight but I don't want her to feel that way.

I don't know if I'll ever really break, I am really good at pushing my feelings to the back of my head, classic case of denial, but then you can see my emotions in my extra pounds so what do I do? I am really going to try and address my emotions from now on. I think my blogging I have already asked myself some uncomfortable questions that I wouldn't have in the past, so that's a start. Do any of you know why you gained the extra weight in the first place?