Embarrestment

I was reading some blogs yesterday and something Katie said on her blog really hit home. She said she had a house guest but needed them to give her an hour in the evenings so she could workout but she felt anxiety over it (sorta making a big deal out of a situation).

It really struck a cord with me cause I feel I do this too. I didn't in the past and I wonder if its me trying to go unnoticed in my bigger body.

A huge example of this was just a few weeks ago when I started my new shift at work. We work on computers all the time and have many different programs with many different passwords. I had forgotten a password for one and it wouldn't let me change it for some reason. Everyone else was logged in a working but its really not a big deal if your not. My face was about as red as a tomato having to ask someone to help me.

I wasn't like this before and its a characteristic that I hate about myself now. Why be embarrassed of something like this? Nobody was even looking at me. I don't really understand why I'm like this at times but I'm looking to change it. Hopefully as I lose a bit more weight it won't be an issue anymore.

A friend I need.

I live in a town where I have very few friends. Is it me? I really don't know. Both Cole and myself find it extremely hard to get and maintain friendships in this town. We continually invite people over and sometimes they come sometimes we don't even get a response.

Two of the closest friendships I had here basically ended. One woman I was friends with for 8 years and helped her deal during a bad time only to have her move and she didn't even tell me. The other friend got a new guy and though we used to talk every night prior to him now she might call every three weeks.

I feel like I'm funny, giving, etc but I don't know what is up with this. My friends from my hometown can't figure it out when I tell them but this town is very clicky I guess. I recently started making a few friends and now I made a few more at work on my new schedule.

I often feel that if my blogger friends lived closer we would be actual real life friends, I'm so open to my blogger friends and never feel judged and that makes for the best friends.

I guess I just sort of feel down right now. Cole is doing a job he does once a month and then I'll spend the whole day tomorrow by myself while he sleeps to prepare to work tomorrow night. Most days I enjoy my alone time but I think sometimes its hard. On the bright side we are hoping that Cole will soon get a day shift too-It would be so amazing.

Last night we went out to dinner and to the movie "The Lovely Bones" it was amazing. Before the movie we went to Chapters too and I read a bit of the book The end of overeating. Seems like a good read. Usually I'm prowling around for things to read but with my new morning shift my reading material is stacking up since I pass right out at bedtime-I'm not complaining though.

I've been nominated by Loriann from Amazon Runner for an award and part of it was to state 10 things that make you happy. There is one major thing I am happy about right now and that is that my company donated a little over a million dollars to the people of Haiti. Those people are in my prayers and I pray that the money goes where it is needed most.

Half the girl I used to be~

I was reading a great blog yesterday low fat kat and something she said really got me thinking. She said that since she has gained her weight that people say she lost her spark.

I can so identify with that. How is it possible that I am double the size but half the person I used to be? Thinking back to my teen years, when I was at a healthy weight, and comparing that girl to the person I am now is incredible. Not only is there the very obvious physical difference with the weight gain but my personality is so different.

People grow up, people change but how does a person who was once the life of the party become the person least likely to attend a party? When I think of all the things I allowed myself to miss out on because of my weight I get so angry at myself.

Even now with Christmas coming up and various Christmas parties on the horizon my first instinct is to decline. Cole's work group is having a party and while last year I declined-this year I am forcing myself to attend. Its not fair to him and its also not fair to me.

I have tons of people from high school on my facebook and I'm wondering if they are going to have a 15 year reunion next year (yes I am that old) It's my hope that by then I will have most of my weight off and start having some resemblance of the girl I used to be, not only on the outside but on the inside as well.

Vacation

I am officially on vacation. Guess what? I'm not feeling too hot. Leave it to me to get sick on vacation. Anyone who knows me knows that I love being off work. I love my job but you know whats even better, doing nothing.

I love everything about not having to work. Wearing pj's and fuzzy socks all the time, not having to prep lunches, napping whenever and wherever, doing any of the many hobbies I enjoy, reading, blogging, crafts and not to sound too old-jigsaw puzzles, haha.

I have had a headache for about 20 hours and counting and can't shake it. I guess its from trying to switch from a night schedule to day for vacation, it is totally bumming me out. I was a real trooper today and went for my walk and over to Cole's sister place to help her move into her new apt, but he just went back over and I am staying home. I have to try and shake whatever this is before we go to New Hampshire in a couple of days for a couple of days.

I'm looking forward to buying some WW food that I can't get here and hopefully finding some of the food items I see on Jen's blog-priorfatgirl check her out she is just awesome.