Monday, June 6, 2011

Happiness for me has an expiration date.

On May 24th my mother had a massive heart attack and died. My mother who was only 58 years old and 126 pounds was taken from me.
Fourteen days ago I woke up, got ready for work and was making coffee when our phone rang at 4:30am. Cole & I tend to screen our calls anyway so we looked at each other. I answered. My aunt said sorry Candace but your mother had a heart attack and is on life support. Cole raced to work to tell them and while he was gone my brother called to say mom died.
Its so surreal to write these things and still it seems like it can't be real. Mom walked me down the aisle in Dominican just two short months ago. Then again at our reception here on May 14th. She cannot be gone.
Many friends and family flew home to the funeral and so many people have said she wouldn't have left until knowing you were okay-don't they realize if that is true I would go back in a minute and not get married, I would never let her know that my fiances are finally under control, anything to have my mom back.
People have the best intentions when they say things after a death but guess what? I don't want an angel forever I want my mom right now.
So many times over the last fourteen days I thought-if there had been some warning, anything to make it not so sudden-I know deep in my heart that wouldn't have made it easier-it just would have made the times we spent together wrenching. We had no idea and boy did we ever laugh-I made Mom laugh a lot and of that I am grateful.
I have cried what seems like hundreds of times in the last fourteen days and I don't know how I will ever get over this heartbreak. My mom's speech at my wedding was to give her grandchildren and one of the last conversations I had with her was that she was going to move up here with us and babysit our children while we worked, she wanted to buy me the baby bullet so I could make baby food and she was coming in the delivery room.
My heart is just sick thinking of doing any of these things without my mom.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Two in one day?

I finally got a family doctor and it turns out I have high blood pressure, a possible heart murmur and maybe a bad thyroid.

I have to go for blood work next month and monitor my bp. Imagine what it would have been if I hadn't lost those 72 pounds. It really is unbelievable.

I have been overweight and dieting for years and while I've been on a roll since January I am really tired sometimes.

Don't get me wrong. I really enjoy working out now. I do the precor and treadmill, the machines, classes, etc. I try to increase my levels and speeds once a week or so and now I am working out harder than most of the "skinny" people at my gym.

The thing that bothers me is the food situation. I pretty much have to follow a diet right to the letter, and exercise a ton to drop the weight. My dream is to be able to follow something all week and eat what I want (within reason) on the weekends. Wouldn't that be lovely?

Maybe once my thyroid results come in and the wedding is over things with settle down a bit and I won't feel so jumpy-

We leave a week from today and I am beyond excited.


Hi Anyone and Everyone.
For those of you who were kind enough to email and message me-thanks so much. I'm so sorry I've been a total flake.
I can't even remember when I last posted but here is an update on me. Starting in November I went and got my dress, ate badly until January 4th-got on the scale and had gotten back up to 223pds, starting exercising at the gym, eating good and yesterday I weighed in at 196pds.
I leave in exactly one week for the wedding and get married on April 2nd. Though I'm not at goal I am really excited about what I was able to do. In total from when I got engaged I have lost 72 pds.
Hope all is well with my peeps and I seriously plan to get into this again when the excitement dies down.