Monday, June 6, 2011

Happiness for me has an expiration date.

On May 24th my mother had a massive heart attack and died. My mother who was only 58 years old and 126 pounds was taken from me.
Fourteen days ago I woke up, got ready for work and was making coffee when our phone rang at 4:30am. Cole & I tend to screen our calls anyway so we looked at each other. I answered. My aunt said sorry Candace but your mother had a heart attack and is on life support. Cole raced to work to tell them and while he was gone my brother called to say mom died.
Its so surreal to write these things and still it seems like it can't be real. Mom walked me down the aisle in Dominican just two short months ago. Then again at our reception here on May 14th. She cannot be gone.
Many friends and family flew home to the funeral and so many people have said she wouldn't have left until knowing you were okay-don't they realize if that is true I would go back in a minute and not get married, I would never let her know that my fiances are finally under control, anything to have my mom back.
People have the best intentions when they say things after a death but guess what? I don't want an angel forever I want my mom right now.
So many times over the last fourteen days I thought-if there had been some warning, anything to make it not so sudden-I know deep in my heart that wouldn't have made it easier-it just would have made the times we spent together wrenching. We had no idea and boy did we ever laugh-I made Mom laugh a lot and of that I am grateful.
I have cried what seems like hundreds of times in the last fourteen days and I don't know how I will ever get over this heartbreak. My mom's speech at my wedding was to give her grandchildren and one of the last conversations I had with her was that she was going to move up here with us and babysit our children while we worked, she wanted to buy me the baby bullet so I could make baby food and she was coming in the delivery room.
My heart is just sick thinking of doing any of these things without my mom.

10 comments:

  1. CANDACE!!! I am so sorry you lost your mom. BIG HUGS. You are such a wonderful person, and your mom was, too. I love seeing the pictures of her on Facebook and reading the comments about her and her chicken. I am so glad you guys had great times there at the end. Reading your most made me tear up. I am so sorry your mom is gone.

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  2. Candace, I am so sorry for your loss. Hugs. Take one day at a time. Be kind to yourself.

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  3. Candace, I didn't realize you had an update, so I'm sorry this is belated.

    I am so,so sorry for your loss. I know nothing I can say will make you feel better but know that I am thinking of you, and I'm only an email away if you need to chat.
    ((((Big hugs))))

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  4. You popped into my head today, I am so sorry I did not see this sooner.

    There really are no magic words. I am glad you got to celebrate with your mother and leave off with good memories.

    "There is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we're apart.. I'll always be with you.”

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  5. I miss you. I hope time is healing your heart. Hugs.

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  6. Hi, Happy New Year! Would you please consider adding a link to my website on your page. Please email me back.

    Thanks!
    Kevin
    kevincollins1012@gmail.com

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  7. Just refound your blog. Have thought of you often but couldn't find your email address. You probably don't remember me, and that's ok, just wanted you to know that someone is thinking of you :)

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  8. Just refound your blog. Have thought of you often but couldn't find your email address. You probably don't remember me, and that's ok, just wanted you to know that someone is thinking of you :)

    ReplyDelete