Growing.

Today I woke up had a healthy breakfast, went to work and stewed about my weight the whole day. I ate my carrots, my multi grain ww bread, my fruit, drank my water, did all the right things.

After spending the entire day going over and over in my mind about my weight and how I have gained again I went to the store and bought these guys:

Chocolate Caramel Bunnies. Chocolate is my absolute favorite. I planned on eating them and then maybe to have some chips, then some brownies. I planned on skipping my workout and just wallowing in my failure.

Before I did these things I thought I would go on the computer to have a look see. This is what I found on the computer desk :

A little note from my fiance Cole. He is so amazing and may be a mind reader, haha. He fell in love with me at my biggest weight and he is truly my biggest cheerleader. He believes in C more than anyone.

I threw on my dirty pants, my sneaks and went for an hour long walk, listening to the new playlist he made for my ipod. Every woman should have a Cole-but you can't have mine. Have you any idea how hot he is?

Super Yummy Hot!

Its me-I'm a gainer~

Yesterday (Wed) my friend called me after work to ask if I would go to WW with her, instead of normally on Thursday. The weather is supposed to be super bad on Thursday. I said sure.

It wasn't til I got off the phone that I realised that I had already drank about 2 litres of water. I figured what the hell. I was up .4 of a pd. I KNOW that it was totally affected by the water, I KNOW that I usually have a whole extra day. I KNOW that with working out as much as I have this week my body may be in shock.

But honestly I KNOW that I am still frustrated.

It took a lot of energy this week to force myself to eat my baby carrots. It took a lot of energy to force myself to drink all my water-which I did for four days in a row. It took a lot of energy to force myself not go on coffee runs with my friends at work. It took a lot of energy to force myself to research the sodium levels in the food I was eating. It took a lot of energy to force myself to not cry when I gained AGAIN.

I feel like people are going to think I'm lying. Like I'm not doing all I should be, like I'm dropping the ball. I guess the only thing I can do is plug away and hope eventually it catches up, or die trying :()

Waiting to get out~

This past weekend we didn't do too much. We did go to get some more fish for our tank. Pepper really enjoys watching the fish. Cole will make a great dad someday just look at him with Pepper-haha.
On Sunday afternoon I attempted to make brown bread-it didn't turn out quite as planned. A little uncooked in the middle. It hasn't stopped Cole from eating it-haha-he said he still really loves it. I also made brownies cause I'm a glutton for punishment. I ate some with my flex points but I may have gone over. Boo~ After posting yesterday about having to get my exercise on track I decided today to take some pics to prove to you all that I'm totally serious. I decided to wear my pajama top so I would get a happy feeling from that at least.

I watched How its made while on the treadmill. I love that show.

Warning-this isn't pretty. While I do sweat sometimes while working out I usually don't push myself to the max. I did today. The reflection didn't work well with my camera but I did 45mins. For me that is amazing. My heart rate ranged from 132-151. I did 3.0 - 3.8. In the 45 mins I did just a tad over 3 miles. I burned 354 calories.

I can really feel it in my legs right now. I'm really, really proud of myself. It felt really amazing to stick to a goal I set out for myself. One day at a time. By November I can have my pick of wedding dresses.

Today I heard a quote that Michelangelo said : "Every block of stone has a statue inside it and its the task of the sculptor to discover it."

It is my job through diet and exercise to peel away my layers and become who I want to be.

The future is mine to make~

After working overtime Friday night-Saturday morning I spent the rest of the weekend catching up on some sleep. Today Cole & I went for a walk even though the sidewalks were slippery.

Just wanted to post a quick post to say that tomorrow I am starting my super motivated plan. I plan to make a huge effort to exercise every day in one form or another. The kind of exercise that breaks a sweat. The kind that lets you know you are doing something. I will post about the exercise. This is the year that I lose my weight and keep it off.

I can't keep making excuses and slacking off. My wedding is in 13 months. Its now or never people. I plan on buying my wedding dress in November - that gives me 9 months to lose the majority of my weight. I can do this, nobody can do it for me.

I WILL SUCCEED~

WI

I got weighed last night and I was up 1.4 pds. Nothing shocks me anymore. When I think I will lose I might gain-if I think I gained I might lose.

I haven't lost heart though cause I'm going to plug away with the exercising and it has to catch up sometime :) Thanks for all the encouraging words, it keeps me going~

Hello? This is your wake up call~

Today I got the ever lovely wake up call. I don't know if I ever really had that moment where I knew I had to lose weight. You know the "its now or never" type thing. I've just always wanted to lose weight. Every week since I was 16 I would be trying a new diet. It sorta defines me-sad but true.

Then today at work we had some student nurses come in with their teacher to take blood pressure readings. As you can see from the pic I didn't do so hot. I have a really high blood pressure and it totally sucks.

I guess I really enjoyed the not knowing. It was a simpler time-haha-It is a huge motivator for me to step my exercise into gear. I feel I really have a handle on my diet. I always try to get all my servings, choose the right types of food-whole grain, etc. My exercise is something that I have been struggling with.

In the fall I did so good with exercise and honestly that is when I see the biggest results weight wise. Today I went for an hour long walk after work and felt great. I need to make time for exercise every single day for me-FOR MY HEALTH.

Here I am after my walk-my face is both cold & sweaty at the same time-so cold out. I took a copy of the healthy food guide and this wheel thing that will tell you how much you would have to exercise to burn off a food item. For example for 1 plain chocolate bar (40 grams) 215 calories you would have to Walk: 54mins Swim/Jump Rope : 24 mins Cycling: 31 mins
During my walk I thought of all the reasons I really want to lose the weight and keep it off. A small list includes :

• To lower my blood pressure
• To someday be a healthy mom
• To look good in my wedding dress/at my beach wedding
• So Cole could have a hot woman (even though he thinks I'm hot now)
• To not feel bad about myself
• To feel good shopping for clothing again
• To not feel embarrassed of my size
• To do things I want to do ex: down hill skiing-get really winded climbing back up the hill
• To lose my double chin (the ban of my existence)
  Two important things for my list are to be around for my niece Gabby

And my nephew Benjamin. Seriously have you ever saw such gorgeous children? They are healthy, happy, funny and we are truly blessed.I've made every excuse in the book to get out of exercise and really and truly I am the only one suffering from it. I need to put this ahead of everything else and to kick the excuses to the curb. This is too important to let slide year after year. I deserve to have all the things I want and I'm gonna get them.

Valentine's Weekend~

I always look forward to Valentine's day with Cole and this one proved to be awesome once again. After being in a relationship for close to 6 years with a guy who didn't have a considerate or romantic bone in his body I so appreciate Cole.

On Thursday night before he left for work he brought out part of my gift which were 4 pairs of fuzzy socks. I was wearing the beige one's when I took this pic.

I ended up calling in sick to work so I missed that on my desk he had these roses and the chocolates above.On Friday evening Cole made me supper-Chicken Fettuccine Alfredo with Garlic Bread. Then we exchanged gifts. He gave me a pair of pajama's, some mini eggs and these earrings below. They are from my favorite place What on Earth. It is handmade silver jewellery. So pretty, he usually will get me all silver but he decided to get a pair with stones this time-I'm good with that-haha. He likes to get me a piece of jewellery for almost all occasions and I like it too :)

The woman at work said wait a few years-haha-we'll see I guess. I got him a Vancouver Olympics Tshirt, the sports pack for the Wii with the bat, racket, etc and a jar with chocolates in it that I unwrapped because he hates doing it-Hershey kisses and those Reese hearts. We mostly hung around here for the rest of the weekend. A friend had once again cancelled plans as per my last post so Cole & I ordered in Swiss Chalet and watched some shows we had downloaded on Sat.

Yesterday morning we went for a super early walk and stopped to have coffee & a bagel-it was super cold outside but at least I took advantage of the clear sidewalk again before the snow. Cole had to sleep during the day so I scrapbooked :

Cole had a potluck at work so I made him some cinnamon rolls to bring. This is the second pan I made the first one was for him and they are almost gone. Too yummy~

Today its really snowing hard outside so I decided to come home and prep some of my food for the week. Its not so challenging to eat good if the food is bagged.

Tomorrow I'm doing the dread I mean treadmill and I'm looking forward to weigh in on Thursday~

Should you ever dump a friend?

This is a dilemma I seem to have a lot lately. I'm not sure if I blogged about this situation before but here goes. I dumped a friend 6 months ago. We were friends for approximately 8 years. During those 8 years I can honestly say that I was the "giver" and she was the "taker".

It wasn't something that really bothered me to tell the truth. It bothered my ex boyfriend more than it ever bothered me. You see I probably had her over for meals like 300 times and she had me over once. I had many good times with her over the years and it didn't feel like I was being used.

Then she got married to a guy who wasn't always the best choice of mate. I listened to her talk through the good times and bad. As much as I wanted to say he wasn't a good guy I would say things like I wish he wouldn't do some of the things he does, etc.

Then she got pregnant and Cole & I were the one's who tried to show her a good time, the one's who would go get her at 2 in the morning when she needed to talk while he was away working and they were fighting. She had the baby and we got attached. She threatened to leave her marriage and we offered to let her and the baby move in.

A couple of months later while she was visiting family in another province we heard on facebook that she was moving there. She didn't even tell me first, I had to find it out on facebook. That was in August. She knew I was mad at her and didn't try to get a hold of me til 2 months later in Oct when she called me at 2 in the morning crying about how messed up her life is.

I haven't spoken to her since. I hate carrying grudges because it is probably hurting me more anyways but it still sucks. I just don't understand the way people act sometimes.

The friendship that I'm questioning right now is so strange too. This woman was married to a guy with completely different believes, values, goals, etc when we started hanging out. We hung out all the time through my bad relationship with my ex and the whole time her marriage broke up.

I saw her through her dating that followed her divorce and bit my tongue many times. She chooses men that are completely wrong for her in every way. It really is amazing. When I worked nights we would talk on the phone between 1-3 hrs a night 5 times a week, we would always hang out on Friday nights while Cole worked.

Than she started dating this guy and I quickly found out that she was one of those woman who dumps their friends for a guy. I don't expect for nothing to change but I make time for my female friendships while still having time for Cole.

The first straw that broke the camel's back so to speak was last year on my birthday. We had made plans with a bunch of people to go out to supper and back here for some birthday cake. I hadn't heard from her in close to a month and at 4:30 when our reservations are for 6:00 she calls to cancel. She didn't feel well. She didn't call on my actual birthday a few days later. Than we exchanged a few emails about me being upset and than didn't speak for six months.

So here I am again. We started talking again in the summer and see each other from time to time but honestly I don't really know why I even bother. We hardly talk and when we do make plans she will usually cancel them about 3-4 times every time before we actually see each other. I'm just tired of being the one who makes all the effort in this relationship.

I want a friend that values me as much as I value them and I don't feel I'm getting it from her. Do you ever just keep a friend around because its too awkward not too?

Finally a loss~

Well my weigh in was last night and I lost 2.2 pds. I am so happy. Yesterday the weather was so perfect. I walked for a total of 3 hours.

I came home from work, put on so comfy clothes, a big floppy purse and set out. I walked for like two hours-I did stop into a store to get Cole's valentines present but mostly walked. It felt so good. Later I walked for an hour to my meeting. I am so loving having a clear sidewalk for a change. I knew I would miss outdoor walking but I really didn't know that it would be to this extent.

I decided to finally stay to a meeting and they had a substitute leader there so I still don't really know if I will like the meetings on Thursdays or not. Oh swells~

Today I woke up @ 2am with bad p pains and a little nausea so I called in sick to work. It is a huge bummer because Cole is there now and when I called to tell him he said ah that sucks I did up your desk for valentines day-he is so romantic I so wish I had felt good today-would have been nice to have my roses & chocolates at work-haha.

Yesterday I did two things to try and get me out of my comfort zone with regards to my last post. One being only really eating while sitting and therefore sometimes going too late between meals, snacks and another is dressing down in public.

Years ago when I was of an healthy weight I used to love wearing comfy clothing and just going places, seeing where the day took me sort of thing but I haven't done that in forever. Its one of those things you don't even really remember missing until you do it again.

You see if there is ever any chance I'm going to run into a store I will have jeans or dress pants on, be showered ( well I'm not really giving this one up, haha), maybe have on jewellery, you know the deal. I guess I once I gained my weight I didn't really want people to mistake me for a slobby fat person.

So yesterday I put on my yoga pants, a big comfy sweatshirt, my sneakers and a big floppy purse and I set out where the day took me. I mostly walked but I did stop into the bank and a couple of stores and you know what? It felt amazing. I think I will be making a habit of this. And on the way home I had a snack while walking-look at me I'm growing as a person-hopefully shrinking my waist too.

Routine, Routine, Routine

Man I don't feel good. I still have the cold-cold sore, on and off earache, and now I have the tom's. This sucks. I have to face the scale at ww tonight-then I have to post it-boo.

I think I realized something about myself yesterday. I remember blogging before about having a certain routine about when I eat. Ex.. liking to always sit down to eat, having a nice plate, etc. While these things can be good in the sense that you realize you are eating and slowing down I do know the pitfall.....

This sort of routine will often delay me from having my snacks and therefore by the time I will get to my snack I end up reaching for more. I never really knew I was so into a routine until yesterday.

I walk home from work and right away I usually do the dishes, pack lunches, get supper ready, have a shower than have a snack, usually by then I am really super duper hungry.

Yesterday I came home and had to call a store, then I set about finding the biggest loser on the web, and got into my email/facebook/blogger. Before I knew it a bit of time had gotten ahead of me and I wondered if I should have my snack before my cleaning but I felt anxious to just have a snack on the go without sitting down-yes I'm a weirdo.

I think over the weekend I'm going to try-both days-to just casually snack on the go. Once I started gaining weight I always felt like I couldn't or maybe didn't want to eat in public. It feels like people will pity me, think I'm weak, etc. I always envy people who are just so casual about eating, and they should be, so should I. Would people really grudge me eating a healthy snack? Why do I make it all such a big deal?

The time is flying.

Wow-hard to believe the weekend is gone already and I've got two shifts punched. Amazing how fast the time seems to be going.

I started thinking about that today and how quickly my wedding will be approaching. It is 13 months away. Walking home from work with the temperature being above -5 for the first time in a while got me in the mood for exercise.

I've been having a great week so far-this being the 2nd day-haha-and I've really stuck to a good food plan. Been eating lots of fresh veggies and fruit. I'm so grateful that the fruit we bought this week is especially delicious-so much easier-I just hate it when we buy a box of clementines only to have them taste yucky.

This coming weekend we are being offered some overtime and I was going to do it til I realized that Friday is the only real night Cole & I will get to celebrate Valentine's day and that is really important to us.

So many of my co-workers or ppl I know say they don't really do anything special for their spouse or vice versa. I can honestly say that Cole & I constantly show each other appreciation on a daily basis not just Valentine's day. Many ppl say oh just wait til you get married or have kids but I don't think either one of us would let the other get away with it. Whether its Cole scribbling me a little love note or me baking him his favorite treat we do these things often and we don't take them for granted.

Maybe it helps that we were friends first but I encourage anyone to do these things and to really see how fulfilling it can be to give.

Here are some pics of something Cole did for me last year. He made a trail for me to follow to the bathroom.

Hershey Kisses cause he really knows his woman.He had candles set up everywhere and a super hot bubble bath, just the way I like it.

Approaching week & resentment.

Well its Sunday again. Another week is fast approaching. Where do the weekends go? Sundays are bittersweet-Cole has to sleep and that sucks but I do enjoy scrap booking so that is fun. I make sure to have all the chores done so I can just relax.

Speaking of chores I did the biggest one this morning. I cleaned out my fridge. This was no simple task as it should have been done ages ago but I figured it would be healthy to purge all the outdated crap-not to mention the room it would free up.

I should have taken pics cause we had stuff in there we would never in a million years eat-leftover McChicken sauce, etc, so gross-I cannot remember the last time I even ate MacDonald's probably over a year ago.

The fridge cleaning was awesome because it allowed me the room I needed for all the prep I'm doing for the healthy diet I'm doing this week. I got tons of fruits & veggies and even bagged up my own 100 calorie packs for it. I didn't go to my weigh in this week, partly due to my being sick the whole week, and partly cause I was nervous. I will be there this Thursday though-no doubts.

This week my almost mother in law started exercising in preparation for a trip down south. They went on one in March of last year too. To be quite honest I feel a twinge of resentment. Nothing about the trip but about the way they go about dieting.

They only need to lose a few pounds anyways but for a month or two they will absolutely talk about nothing other than this and its the foremost of every conversation. As a person who deals with weight, dieting, society, etc on a daily, monthly, yearly basis for over half my life I really hate this. It'll be you should try this or what should I do about this and my head almost wants to explode.

People who don't have serious weight issues just don't get it. I don't even know the way I'd like people to act around me but it really does rub me the wrong way how they obsess over it and the day they get back it won't be mentioned again.

I will leave you all now as I have to scrapbook-for my mental health if nothing more.

Support

After a couple of days of being negative about my journey and blogging about it I decided to smarten up. I'm still not feeling well but I figured I can choose to be happy that I weigh a good deal less right now than I did from a year ago.

I decided that next week I'm going to try a pre-planned meal guide from one of my magazine. It has around 1500 calories per day and I can choose between three different choices for each meal with two snacks. The one I found has a lot of the foods I already like so it should be good.

I know that one of my big problems has been eating the same thing most days for so long. Another big reason for my funk is not being able to walk outside. I just love it, it works. I cannot wait for this snow/ice to melt its maddening.

Thanks everyone for the unwavering support and encouraging messages you all rock!

blurg.............

Hey Everyone-I'm still here. After my horrible weigh in on Thursday evening I spent Friday feeling sorry for myself and then when I woke up on Saturday I had this crappy head cold, which I still have by the way.

I binged all weekend long and didn't exercise. Its me-I'm a self sabotager. My name is Candace and I'm a self sabotager. Right at the very moment I have a ear ache and a toothache-in fact the whole right side of my head generally aches.

For the first time in my life I feel like I've lost my appetite. Maybe I ate so much on the weekend I reached my cap of calories, whatever it is I forced myself to eat lunch and am trying to stay awake to force myself to eat supper.

Sometimes I feel like the journey to lose over a hundred pounds for me takes so long that its the main reason why I can't do it. I wonder if I can keep myself on track during the hard times to make it to the goal?