Saturday, February 13, 2010

Should you ever dump a friend?

This is a dilemma I seem to have a lot lately. I'm not sure if I blogged about this situation before but here goes. I dumped a friend 6 months ago. We were friends for approximately 8 years. During those 8 years I can honestly say that I was the "giver" and she was the "taker".

It wasn't something that really bothered me to tell the truth. It bothered my ex boyfriend more than it ever bothered me. You see I probably had her over for meals like 300 times and she had me over once. I had many good times with her over the years and it didn't feel like I was being used.

Then she got married to a guy who wasn't always the best choice of mate. I listened to her talk through the good times and bad. As much as I wanted to say he wasn't a good guy I would say things like I wish he wouldn't do some of the things he does, etc.

Then she got pregnant and Cole & I were the one's who tried to show her a good time, the one's who would go get her at 2 in the morning when she needed to talk while he was away working and they were fighting. She had the baby and we got attached. She threatened to leave her marriage and we offered to let her and the baby move in.

A couple of months later while she was visiting family in another province we heard on facebook that she was moving there. She didn't even tell me first, I had to find it out on facebook. That was in August. She knew I was mad at her and didn't try to get a hold of me til 2 months later in Oct when she called me at 2 in the morning crying about how messed up her life is.

I haven't spoken to her since. I hate carrying grudges because it is probably hurting me more anyways but it still sucks. I just don't understand the way people act sometimes.

The friendship that I'm questioning right now is so strange too. This woman was married to a guy with completely different believes, values, goals, etc when we started hanging out. We hung out all the time through my bad relationship with my ex and the whole time her marriage broke up.

I saw her through her dating that followed her divorce and bit my tongue many times. She chooses men that are completely wrong for her in every way. It really is amazing. When I worked nights we would talk on the phone between 1-3 hrs a night 5 times a week, we would always hang out on Friday nights while Cole worked.

Than she started dating this guy and I quickly found out that she was one of those woman who dumps their friends for a guy. I don't expect for nothing to change but I make time for my female friendships while still having time for Cole.

The first straw that broke the camel's back so to speak was last year on my birthday. We had made plans with a bunch of people to go out to supper and back here for some birthday cake. I hadn't heard from her in close to a month and at 4:30 when our reservations are for 6:00 she calls to cancel. She didn't feel well. She didn't call on my actual birthday a few days later. Than we exchanged a few emails about me being upset and than didn't speak for six months.

So here I am again. We started talking again in the summer and see each other from time to time but honestly I don't really know why I even bother. We hardly talk and when we do make plans she will usually cancel them about 3-4 times every time before we actually see each other. I'm just tired of being the one who makes all the effort in this relationship.

I want a friend that values me as much as I value them and I don't feel I'm getting it from her. Do you ever just keep a friend around because its too awkward not too?


  1. Girl, this is tough! Me, personally? No, I won't keep someone around because it's awkward to ditch 'em. This is a toxic friendship, and you know you deserve better from a friend. You don't need to put up with that. I'm mean, so when I dump a friend I just go cold turkey - no answering their calls or texts or e-mails, nothing. She knows she is treating you like shit, so she won't be surprised when you ditch her. If you don't ditch her, at least call her out on her rude behavior, and let her know how it makes you feel. BIG HUGS!

  2. This sounds kind of like crap I've been through before with one chick. In her defense, she'd initiate hanging out, but when we were together, she was always SO NEGATIVE, about school, work, friends, boys...I always said she was like a dementor from Harry Potter - she'd suck out your soul and make you feel like you'd never be happy again. I was thankful when I had to move, because I was able to physically shut her out of my life. No more running into her, no more awkward mutual friend get-togethers where I'd have to see her, no more making excuses why I couldn't hang out, nothing like that. It's been really freeing to not have to worry about her being in my life anymore, because I've been slowly shutting her out for over a year (not answering texts, not initiating conversations, etc). So as a long answer to your short question, I kept her around because it was awkward not to (she was friends with my then-boyfriend, and we continued to be "friends" after he and I broke up), but the "friendship" was so taxing on me and my psyche that I finally had to let it go. Since it seems like your friendship is doing you more harm than good, if I were giving advice, I'd say cut your losses and find some better friends. :)

  3. Yeah I totally think I'm going to- It really is more effort than its worth-thanks for the advice.