Depressing~

I gained 2.4 pds. I'm in shock. Walking to my meeting I'm saying to myself " Be happy with any loss" or even a small gain cause my body is getting used to the workouts but this. Its hard not to get depressed when my muscles ached the whole walk there, in the dark, on the icy sidewalk.

All I can do is try and switch up some of my food choices and chug along.... boo....

A healty combination~

Around an hour ago I finished day 3 of the 30 day Shred-I know why it must be called that cause it feels like my muscles have been shredded and put back in my clothes.

Seriously you should see me try to walk. I knew I was out of shape but this is really crazy. Oh well no pain no gain right. I did seem to get a bigger movement with my jumping jacks so that is good.

Last night we went to Swiss Chalet and just like I said I ordered a salad instead of fries. I only stole two of Cole's to so that was good. The food was awesome as usual. It was really nice to get out with Cole during the week.

Tomorrow I go get weighed. I'm really curious about what it will say since I had a really great week food/exercise wise. I can never really tell cause my body fluctuates but whatever it says I'm still proud of the choices I made this week. Yah me.

There is this woman at work who is a little taller than me but she probably weighs 450 pds and I really feel so bad for her. She looks so uncomfortable and during my lunch break she will eat chips from the vending machine. She seems so unhappy and I just want to hug her. Its so hard seeing someone like that and not reaching out and saying how much blogging is helping me this time. I told Cole last night that this time (losing weight) feels so different-so much more attainable because of my blog and having ppl comment and care about me and my journey-thanks everyone :)

Girlish~

Today was day 2 for the 30 Day Shred-my god my thighs are so incredibly sore. Today at work I could hardly move, thankfully we do all our work on computers anyway but still. I do like that I know its doing something but I definitely don't like how out of shape I am.

Since I got back on track the last couple of weeks I can feel that I definitely carry myself differently. I walk a little taller and check myself out a little more in the mirror. I seem to take more interest in my appearance, ex-putting on a little makeup, accessories, etc.

I know that Cole loves when I do these things and I love feeling more girly too. When I'm not dieting or exercising I just feel slobby and therefore don't put much effort in.

This evening we are going to Swiss Chalet for supper and I'm going to order salad instead of fries, for the Canadians who read my blog you will know how hard this is since they have the most awesome fries. I'm just happy to get out with Cole-miss having him on the same shift as me so much.

I haven't decided if I'm going to do the 30 day shred thing fully but so far so good. Its really important for me to walk home and put on my workout gear before I get sidelined. I have to ignore the dirty dishes, Internet, etc until I get my workout in cause if I do it in reverse I will never do it.

I exercised and lived to write about it.

Well I did the first level of the 30 day Shred. Man alive am I out of shape. No seriously I thought I was going to die-it was only me there but I was begging for my life-my eyelids sweat.

I learned something about myself-I really hate jumping jacks. Not only do I have a really sucky sports bra but I need a tamer for my stomach too-definitely not attractive. It will get better right? Anybody? Anybody?

Another thing I realized today too is that my metabolism must be pumping hard. I eat every few hours and it feels like I'm constantly hungry now. I have to figure out something between 12-3 cause I eat around 11:45 and then didn't have a snack til 3:30 and I felt really light headed and almost to the point of getting sick-I have a slight headache now. Its really crazy cause the whole reason I gained my weight was because I would go like 10-12 hours without eating and then eat my supper and snacks all at once.

I'm really hoping the Wii Fit comes in soon so I can switch it up-if I can even move tomorrow :)

Embarrestment

I was reading some blogs yesterday and something Katie said on her blog really hit home. She said she had a house guest but needed them to give her an hour in the evenings so she could workout but she felt anxiety over it (sorta making a big deal out of a situation).

It really struck a cord with me cause I feel I do this too. I didn't in the past and I wonder if its me trying to go unnoticed in my bigger body.

A huge example of this was just a few weeks ago when I started my new shift at work. We work on computers all the time and have many different programs with many different passwords. I had forgotten a password for one and it wouldn't let me change it for some reason. Everyone else was logged in a working but its really not a big deal if your not. My face was about as red as a tomato having to ask someone to help me.

I wasn't like this before and its a characteristic that I hate about myself now. Why be embarrassed of something like this? Nobody was even looking at me. I don't really understand why I'm like this at times but I'm looking to change it. Hopefully as I lose a bit more weight it won't be an issue anymore.

Its the weekend~

Last night we had Kelly & Rodney over for supper and to play the Wii. We had so much fun. They got here around 6 and we ate shortly after they arrived. I made Chicken Hurry with Potatoes and two desserts-Gingerbread Cake w/glaze and Snack and 1/2 squares for some reason I only got pics of the chicken and the cake :

Then we had to burn that off and started playing the Wii :

Rodney was really good for a beginner and I teased that he probably had one at work, haha.

I like to pretend random things are microphones-what can I say?Kelly beat me at bowling by one point but my cat sabotaged my game by getting behind my swing-Kelly probably paid her off.Pepper doesn't get out much and had to smell Kelly's wheel she never saw a scooter before.Really intent on winning-Rodney reminds me of Liam Neeson.Today we ran a few errands in the morning and then came to hang out by ourselves all day which was really nice. Since I decided to use most of my flex points on desserts/chocolates this week we ate all our meals in. This was today's supper :

So Yummy-Self Explanatory-Chicken, Potatoes & Corn

Every time I got up to Pee, get a glass of water, etc I would come back and Pepper would be lying on my electric blanket-look how innocent she looks.Tomorrow I'll be chilling by myself for most of the day since Cole will have to sleep-I plan on Scrapbooking and working out-I got the Jillian Michaels 30 Day Shred so we'll see how that works out-once I get the Wii Fit Plus I plan on alternating them.

Weekly Weigh-In

Hey All-well I got weighed last night and guess what? I lost 2.4pds. I am too excited and just imagine how much I could have lost if I had the Wii Fit Already. We have been calling everyday but its still not in yet-boo to them.

Yesterday was an awesome day-I just love my job and the people I work with-we all have little chats in between listening to our ipods and it feels great. On the overnights I felt like I didn't connect with anyone and it sucked.

Cole started to feel better as he had a cold all week, I lost the weight, and I found out that they have a different leader for Thursday nights so that is awesome. Everything just went good yesterday. I leave for work in a bit and then come home, nap, prepare for company and then have fun.

I made two desserts for tomorrow night-snack and 1/2 squares and Gingerbread cake w/glaze. Cole always talks about that cake so I found a recipe-he woke up frothing at the mouth but I said sorry not til tomorrow-I can be so cruel at times.

My supper from the other day of meatballs with sweet potato fries didn't look like much when it was finished and I was disappointed but boy was it ever tasty. Really yummy tasting. Does anyone know a good way to crisp sweet potato fries?

Midweek chatter.

This week is going pretty fast. I'm waiting to get weighed in tomorrow in the hopes that there is a different leader on Thursdays. If its the same one my friend Kelly said she would go with me and we can laugh our way through it-haha.

Kelly and her husband are the couple coming for supper on Friday. Kelly has MS and is in a scooter, everyday I think of her and so appreciate the things I take for granted. She was telling me of a time when she needed a nap before going out and she couldn't get herself from her scooter to the bed so she just had to try and nap in her scooter. It really puts the day to day trials in my life into prospective. Anyways we are going to play Wii and I just love hanging out with the two of them.

Yesterday I posted about my love of scrapbooking and Katie J asked for some pics. Its really hard to get a great pic that captures them well but here are a few:

Some pics of Ben from Christmas Morning.Some pics of us building a SnowGirl with GabbySome pics of Gabby from Christmas Morning.A page of Cole & IThis is a page of me & Mom-I weigh around 195 in this pic-I miss me then :)This evening for supper I'm making homemade baked sweet potatoes fries and Sweet & Sour Meatballs done in the slow cooker. Here's the Meatballs: Tomorrow I'll be back with my weigh in results and I'll let you know how the supper turns out.

Scrapbooking and more~

I miss the weekend. I so love the weekend. I woke up today with a headache so today sucks so far, haha. Not a great note to start on but I'm sure it won't last long.

I'm getting so much more accomplished now that I'm working days, making appointments, organizing, so much easier when its daytime. I can't wait til Cole gets on days too-we'll be a dynamic duo then-haha.

I've been having a really nice time getting in my scrapbooking lately-Its a hobby I love so much and now that its all organized its so much more easier to do a page and clean up the rest. I think its so relaxing and when I'm doing it I don't even think about food.

We got our Wii but now we are waiting for a Wii Fit to come in. We have a gift card to Futureshop so we are waiting for them to get one. I can't wait though cause a woman at work has one and just loves hers. I know its something I would use a lot.

We recently became friends with a couple and yesterday I invited them to supper on Friday. Maybe we'll all play Wii or a board game afterwards. My friend told me that on the Wii Fit you can hide your weight from others so that won't be so bad-haha-not looking forward to hearing it groan though-haha.

A friend I need.

I live in a town where I have very few friends. Is it me? I really don't know. Both Cole and myself find it extremely hard to get and maintain friendships in this town. We continually invite people over and sometimes they come sometimes we don't even get a response.

Two of the closest friendships I had here basically ended. One woman I was friends with for 8 years and helped her deal during a bad time only to have her move and she didn't even tell me. The other friend got a new guy and though we used to talk every night prior to him now she might call every three weeks.

I feel like I'm funny, giving, etc but I don't know what is up with this. My friends from my hometown can't figure it out when I tell them but this town is very clicky I guess. I recently started making a few friends and now I made a few more at work on my new schedule.

I often feel that if my blogger friends lived closer we would be actual real life friends, I'm so open to my blogger friends and never feel judged and that makes for the best friends.

I guess I just sort of feel down right now. Cole is doing a job he does once a month and then I'll spend the whole day tomorrow by myself while he sleeps to prepare to work tomorrow night. Most days I enjoy my alone time but I think sometimes its hard. On the bright side we are hoping that Cole will soon get a day shift too-It would be so amazing.

Last night we went out to dinner and to the movie "The Lovely Bones" it was amazing. Before the movie we went to Chapters too and I read a bit of the book The end of overeating. Seems like a good read. Usually I'm prowling around for things to read but with my new morning shift my reading material is stacking up since I pass right out at bedtime-I'm not complaining though.

I've been nominated by Loriann from Amazon Runner for an award and part of it was to state 10 things that make you happy. There is one major thing I am happy about right now and that is that my company donated a little over a million dollars to the people of Haiti. Those people are in my prayers and I pray that the money goes where it is needed most.

Color me pathetic...

I just finished doing something rather pointless and embarrassing. I facebook stalked a complete stranger. The reason? She has the body I want.

The body I long to have for myself isn't like Kate Moss its more like Kate Winslet. I long to have a beautiful body that is extremely feminine. I would love nothing more than to look and feel good in beautiful skirts, dresses, heels, etc.

The girl I stalked is pretty and has a nice body. I spent a half hour clicking my way through pics of her skiing, dining at restaurants, on vacation, etc just to see the outfits and to day dream.

I've spent plenty of time flipping through magazines or catalogs to day dream to and dare I even say that I've actually read health magazines while binging. What would a shrink say about that I wonder?

Last evening was my first time back to Weight Watchers in almost a month and today I was awesome. I ate within my points and have my supper all figured out. Yah me~

I have to find out what the meeting is like on Thursdays cause the more I think about this one the more anxiety I feel. I miss my Friday meeting where the members were honest about finding it hard to not eat too much or exercise. I don't like meetings where everyone pretends they can hardly eat.

I decided now I would post a pic from my high school years when I though I was so fat. Man if only I could go back and slap myself.

Thats me in the front with my super fly shirt and my worry doll necklace on. A real pig hey? haha. Those two girls on either side of me are still two of my closest friends Lori & Fern.

Weigh in~

Well everyone the verdict is in. I weighed in last night and gained 4.2 pds. Considering It had been a few weeks I didn't take it too bad. This week I will be tracking like a madwoman.

I'm not usually a person that feels the need to share tmi (too much information) but I feel the need right now-this isn't for the weak at heart.

Here goes : I planned to walk to my weight watcher meeting and for Cole to pick me up. I had received a book from a fellow blogger and was happily reading it on the couch while watching Sex and the City when I realized I had to leave. I was stressed about walking into this meeting late for the first time. I decided to take a short cut but of course the sidewalks weren't plowed. Once I made it to a very popular street with actual plowed sidewalks I noticed something tragic. In my haste to get ready I mustn't have secured the adhesive backing to my pad and now it was stuck to the skin on my bum. With my super thick gloves and the fact that there was after work traffic I couldn't do anything about it. This was not my lame economic at home attempt at a bikini wax-This was so much pain. Too much pain. So there you have it.

Anyways I really disliked the meeting. I know I am biased to Ann but I find this leader too much like a school teacher demanding answers from the crowd-it bugs me. I don't know if they offer any other meetings in the evening but I have to check it out.

So 4.2 is bad but I said to myself on the way down that as long as it was under 5pds I wouldn't be too upset. I think I gained the most of my fellow bloggers? Boo. I don't mind being a leader people but at this sucks-haha. Whats the most you've ever lost in a week? I need inspiration to what can be accomplished.

Beautiful Blog Award

Katie J over at Katie J is on her way nominated me for a beautiful blog award. Thanks Katie. The rules dictate that I tell you 7 things about me that I don't know and to pass it on to 7 recipient's. Here goes :

1. I love my hair


2. I'm afraid of success


3. I have anxiety in big crowds and certain situations


4. I always read the last page of a magazine first then start from the beginning, but never a book.


5. Underneath my bed is filled with books and when we have company we pull the blanket down to cover it.


6. I absolutely love rain, would take it over anything most days.


7. I gave up all soda 4 1/2 years ago, I still miss it sometimes.

So there you have it. While I find all my blog friends beautiful I could only choose 7. Here they are please check them out.

1. Christi at CinciMom11:Losing the baby weight


2. Tasha at Girl Stuck in a Rut


3. Kat at Low-Fat Kat


4. Joanie at Blueprint 2010 : The Journey Continues


5. Enz at Downward Trenz


6. Loriann at Amazon Runner


7. What a Splurge

Please check these ladies out-they rock~

Pray for me.

Tomorrow is the day-my moment of truth. I really don't know why I torture myself in this way. Why didn't I just eat healthy? Why do I have no self control sometimes? Why-when I'm bad I'm really bad?

The questions circling in my head are driving me mad and honestly I still don't really have the answers. I don't know why I can't say no to food. I don't know why I do the things that lead me to fail.

The only thing I do know is that blogging is my therapy. My followers are my shrinks. Please don't bill me-healthy eating gets expensive.

Maybe in due time I'll finally figure out why I do what I do and how to stop the behavior-until then I have to go to my meeting tomorrow and that's that.

Its gonna be frightening~

When I got my day shift I thought I would have so much time on my hands. I planned to spend countless hours devoting myself to blogger, creating blogs, reading blogs, post witty comments on blogs, etc. My time still feels limited.

Cole does all the big chores, floors, bathrooms, groceries while I do the day to day chores like dishes, supper, etc. Today I guess I bit off a little more than I could chew. I walked home after work, worked out on the treadmill, did dishes, baked brownies for Cole, packed lunches, make a new recipe for supper, showered, did more dishes, cleaned the litter box, etc.

I have to start figuring out better ways to eat my points while doing the day shift. On nights I had it totally figured out but now I'm up way more hours and I find in the early afternoon once I'm done the treadmill I'll just cram food in my face-doesn't matter what. I'm disappointed in myself but I know what it is now-my points need to be figured out big time-STAT!!!

I'm going to use a huge chunk of my time this week to figure out some Weight Watcher recipes I'll be making on the weekend and write out my grocery list. When I get weighed this week its so going to be a rude awakening for me-No sense putting it off any longer-I'm a big girl (literally) I can take it.

My Weak Week

This past week has been a blur. I started working the day shift and I completely love it. I love, love, love it. I cannot wait until something opens up for Cole too-it would be so incredible for the both of us to get off work at 1:30 and then have the rest of the day for ourselves.

One bad thing this week has been my eating. I have always found that when I am left to my own devices I eat bad and this week has proved it. If one of my blogger friends could come over and wrestle the food from my hands it would really help me out a lot. This coming week I go back to weight watchers so I have to get into gear.

I just got back from a walk and I have a major chill in my bones. I think I'm going to chill with my electric blanket most of the afternoon.

I have had some activity this week but this coming week I plan on more. After walking home from work I plan to do the treadmill most days and maybe the ball too for toning.

With all the new found energy I got this week from doing days I got some major organizing done. I organized some of my cupboards and I organized all my scrapbooking supplies. I have so much stuff-too much stuff. Now its all organized so I know what I have and its easily assessable-should help a lot. I think I won't let myself scrapbook unless I worked out already-great bribery for myself-haha.

Last night I watched "Its Complicated" it was so good. Meryl Streep is my favorite actress so I love most of her movies anyways. Sometimes I just love putting on a movie that I know is happy-you know? Cole wanted to watch "Precious" but I thought it would be too emotional for what I wanted to feel. What can I say? Sometimes I'm a wimp.

Jammie Day~

It feels so weird to be up by myself in the middle of the day. I have a small headache and I believe it may be from too much sleep and the sun, haha.

I don't seem to know what to do with myself. I did my workout on the treadmill this morning-I did a interval walk-jog workout and it felt great to get back at it. I weighed myself on the scales there and if they are right I may have gained 3 pds-boo. I think I'm going to start going to the meetings on Thursday night so I'll find out for sure then.

I ate breakfast with Cole before he went to bed, did dishes, packed lunches, washed towels, had a shower. I dug out all my things to scrapbook so I'm going to do that after my post. I think I'm going to straighten my hair later too so that when I shower before work I'll use a shower cap since I have to be to work for 5am.

Tomorrow after work I'm going to lunch with my friend Kim to celebrate her birthday. I know most days won't be as quiet as today so I should be enjoying it. I can't believe how much I have changed. I used to love spending time alone.

As promised I have some pics :

The cookbook I asked for so excited to dig in.A pic of Cole & I from the weekend.

Last night I made a Chocolate Chip Cheesecake to surprise Cole-he loved it.My Awesome new Sneakers that Mom got me for Christmas. I had planned to buy them for myself and when I opened them I couldn't believe it cause she didn't know what ones I wanted but picked out the same ones-Moms know best. They look so cute with jeans.And last but not least my uniform for today. God I love Jammie's and I'm not afraid to say it-I love, love, love Jammie's.

Odds & Ends~

I'm so excited to have 20 followers-how exciting. Don't worry everyone I'm not nearly as bitter as my last post-haha.

We had a pretty good weekend. Friday night we worked and slept for a bit on Saturday morning, went to return some Christmas gifts that didn't fit, Cole got his hair cut and we went to lunch. I haven't been on the ball this week with eating and that meal was no exception. I don't know what is wrong with me but this week was harder than Christmas week.

Tomorrow morning I am planning a big wake up call workout to get myself back on track. I'm also prepping some of my healthy food tonight to remotivate myself to get ready for the week.

We are getting a wii this week and hopefully in a couple of weeks we can afford the wii fit, I think it seems fun and will help during the cold weather. The treadmill is good but variety would also be nice.

Cole is napping right now but I sleep tonight to get used to it for tomorrow night-it is so strange the entire length of our relationship we have hardly slept alone. I imagined enjoying at least the first week of having separate schedules as "ME" time but its been like two hours into his sleep and I hate it.

I've never been like this before. In past relationships I could have cared less about schedules. Haha. I am easily getting tired of people already saying how different shifts is going to strain our relationship. Do people ever think they are helping by saying such things? I'm not usually a person who gravitates towards the negative anyways but if a friend told me she was going on a different shift than her partner I would never think to say something like that-what does it solve?

Today I already felt like I had more energy. I am usually lacking in that department for sure but today I was took down and put away all the decorations, vacuumed, did dishes, laundry, litter box, etc and I'm still going. I could learn to like the new me-hope she sticks around for a bit.

I so pray that Cole gets a day shift soon. He is so supportive of me and is so genuinely happy its unreal. I know how much he wants a day shift, he was talking about it way before me.

I'll let you know how my workout goes in the morning and I'll post a pic of my new Weight Watcher Cookbook that Cole got me for Christmas-over 500 recipes-can't wait-he got me an ipod touch too and there are tons of weight loss applications. Awesome~

I'm feeling Bitter!

I rarely post twice in one day but I feel like I have so many separate thoughts in my head. On January 5th I start my day shift.

I'm really nervous. Maybe I'm resistant to change but I've worked nights for over 4 years now with Cole. Whenever we tell anyone that I got days and he is still on nights they act like we are planning a funeral.

I guess I'm feeling really anxious about meeting new people, with a company our size close friendships rarely happen at the workplace. I'm used to not having to deal with anyone-I put on my ipod and away I go but with this shift change I will have to make some phone calls.

I'm also thinking about how unhappy I am to be away from my family all the time. I should be grateful that I got to see everyone at Christmas but it was way too short and I'm resentful to my job for not letting us have time off and genuinely just have a depressed feeling about the whole situation.

We actually have to work tonight to make up for the shift change we were given and it just doesn't make sense. There is a woman who sits next to me and she gets a doctors note at least once a week and twice this week to get off work, but someone with perfect attendance can't get an extra day off to leave the Country, hello my name is bitter. haha.

Anyways I figure now I will post a few pics of Christmas to cheer me up.

My amazing sister-in-law Mary with my nephew Ben

Here I am with BenThis nerd is my brother DarrenHere is Cole with BenHere is Me & Gabby DoodlingHere I am with Mom shopping at the outlet stores. I wish I would have gotten some pics of me & Mary or me & Darren-I don't know why I never think about it at the time-strange.

Happiness in reflecting~

As the new year starts I think its important to reflect on the past year. While I lost 26 pounds this year I'm most excited about getting engaged.

Getting engaged at 32 wasn't my plan when I was younger I thought I would be married around 8 years by now with a few children. Its surprising how the way life flows tends to be for the best. At 32, for me, it finally feels right-the right man has my heart.

Coming into 2010 I'm excited about the changes I will make to improve my health. Every year Cole & I get a new ornament for the tree that has our picture in it from that year. I'm looking forward to the new pic I'll be putting in my 2010 ornament-a healthier version of me.

Too many years have past by with me only reflecting on the failures of my past year but this year I'm really proud of all I accomplished. Joining weight watchers, actually following it, losing 10% of my weight, exercising, not criticizing myself at every turn. This year I feel I finally learned to love myself more and maybe that is why I am finally losing weight-my body is reflecting the change my mind made.

So while millions of people will be making the resolution to lose weight this year I too will lose weight but it won't be a flash in the pan resolution but a lifetime change, one I already started in 2009.