This is me (now?)

Well the other day I had a small slip up, but moved on. One weird thing that I do when I eat something unplanned or over points? I hide the evidence from my fiance. Don't get me wrong its not that Cole would beat me, haha, or for the matter even notice but I find myself washing out the dishes or hiding wrappers and I think-what a complete weirdo I am. What would possess someone to do this?
I went for a walk yesterday morning and while at a stoplight this girl who also has blonde hair was wearing the same exact yoga suit as me, only about 10 times smaller OUCH THAT HURT, we probably looked like a before and after pic. In a years time I hope to be the after.

I need a hungry for my fridge.

Well I had a bad night. I went to work and about an hour into my shift I started feeling sick. I stuck it out a few hours but than I left work and came home. I spent a little time lying down reading and spent some time on the computer. I had points I had to eat because where I work nights I sleep in the day.
I had some soup and crackers. Later I had 3pts of party mix a coffee and another pt in chocolate. Than I had some ice cream-only 4pts over my goal, but still, I didn't get in my proper pts and what I did eat wasn't exactly fruits and vegetables.
I really admire these people who get sick and lose their appetite-Confession time people-I have NEVER lost my appetite. Death, Depression, Happiness, Sickness, nothing makes me want to stop eating. My friend's marriage broke up a year ago and she lost 50 pds. WHAT?

Consideration-A little goes a long way~

My fiance is so considerate. If you knew the guy I dated before him you would understand completely. Cole came home on Thursday of this week with a pair of pajama bottoms for me, cause mine are getting baggy-ya! Than on Saturday he headed up to the mall in the evening to get something and bought me a book and a cleaning cloth for my jewellery-I had mentioned needing one before.
The guy I dated prior to him wasn't considerate at all and actually almost seemed to go out of his way to be a jerk. There were times that I would be working a 9 hour day on my feet and he was supposed to pick me up and when I got outside he wouldn't be there. I'd call him and the conversation would go like this :
ME " Where are you?"
HIM "Home"
ME " I know that, I just called there. You are supposed to be picking me up."
HIM " I fell asleep, whats the big deal, can't you get a cab?"
It took a long time, too long, to leave that relationship. I was working a crappy job, was overweight and didn't feel I had many options. That is never a reason to stay but I did. It was Cole's friendship that showed me people can, and do, want to treat others good. I left and 14 months later me and Cole started dating.
What is so great about our relationship is that we both try to do things for one another. Its not out of obligation, just wanting to make the other one happy.

Skinny is the new annoying~

A friend of a friend is joining weight watchers. While most times I am like more the merrier, this time I am not. You see, this woman, whose name happens to begin with a B-which I relate to another word, is around 5'8 and weighs around 95 pounds. She was asked to leave ww before for being too far Under goal and is now coming back with a dr's note.
Cole says be the bigger person and just ignore it, but is it so wrong that while I may be physically bigger I don't plan on being emotionally bigger. She is loud and loves being the center of attention and I'm super bugged. My ww meetings are one of the few places I can truly be myself.
This summer we were all at our mutual friends house swimming and when I got out of the pool, in my bathing suit, she looked me up and down and said I have to go back to ww-yes people there are actually people out there like that, haha.
Maybe I'll send some anonymous orders of takeout to her place via delivery-yes people, I actually think like this. Only on a handful of occasions, like maybe just a few times an ............hour :o(

Giving me something to think about

Well I just finished reading another post from girlstuckinarut and it got me thinking. Tasha and her husband had an argument over when to start a family as he is five years older than her.
I am 7 years older than my fiance. He is happy to wait a few years and I am too but I do worry that since I am 32 now I will be pushing it then. It sucks feeling like you have to base lifelong decisions on age. HOW CAN I BE 32? I AM THE MOST CHILDISH PERSON I KNOW!!!!!!!!!!
On a lighter topic I set out for my morning walk at 7 this morning and it was the most beautiful light snow falling, I thought I was in heaven. Don't worry it didn't last long before I knew it, down came the sharpest freezing rain ever, it really put some gusto into my stride as I wanted to get out of that asap.
I have really been enjoying reading some blogs, so many beautiful, funny, introspective women out there, wish you ladies lived close-feels like spending times with old friends.

Proud

Today was my weight watcher meeting and I lost 1.6 pds. I am really proud of myself. Used to be that I would be bitterly disappointed if I didn't drop higher numbers but with age and wisdom-joke, I have learned to love most losses.
I walked 5 1/2 times this week, the 1/2 is for on Sunday when my fiance and I went for a walk but had to turn back around cause I wasn't feeling well.
I am so enjoying my meetings. My friend Kelly has started weight watchers and is now at my meetings with me and its so nice to have someone there.
The main reason I am so proud of myself is that I am exercising so much. In the past it has always been so hard to get motivated to exercise, probably because carrying so much weight doesn't exactly make it easy. This time though I am really enjoying the walks because they clear my head after the work day, also helps me sleep better too, another plus when losing weight.
Only 1.8 pds before I get my 20 pd star, yay me, I cannot wait to get my 10% and my 25 pd award, these things may be trivial to some but I use them as a big motivator.

Setting the mood for food.

It seems that this is the time of year when my work starts having potlucks for everything and there is just so much food around. I don't want food to be an enemy in my life so I am learning to adapt.
I always save my flex points for the weekend so during the week when I am making things I can usually put myself off by saying you can have some on the weekend. This week was my fiance's fathers birthday and we got him a gift and I made him these Chocolate/White Chocolate cookies, they are his favorite that I make and I love them too. Then for work tonight they are having a potluck and I made these really cute cupcakes.
At work tonight I really won't have a problem resisting all the bad stuff because I do like to have a certain setting for eating, is that weird? Don't get me wrong I eat at work but I feel if I'm going to eat lots of points I want to be comfortable or having a nice meal, where I decide what I'm going to have. Cole, my fiance always thought I was strange, when we were just friends, we would get takeout and I would always want to bring it home, put it on a nice plate and enjoy it. He comes from a family where they might eat it in the car in a parking lot if they are busy, I hate that. I would rather wait.

3500 calories is hard to lose.

I weigh 229 pds. There I said it. Dieting on and off for so many years can really wear a person down. I'm tired. Exhausted actually. I think a really big frustration I get from dieting is well, everything. Seeing that I still have about 100 pds to lose you would think that right now would be easy. You would think that going for a walk and cutting back a little would just melt the weight off. Well, you would be wrong.
I get 27 pts a day with weight watchers, I walk 6 times a week for at least an hour at moderate speed, I eat my 35 flex points but don't eat my activity points. Why can't I go in a drop huge numbers?
I calculated on one of those calorie counters that with my height, weight, age, activity, etc I would need to eat 2644 calories a day to maintain my weight. So I eat between 1200-1600 a day and get in activity so I do have a deficit of about 7000calories a week-should be 2pds.
I just have to keep plugging away at it and hope the numbers reflect eventually. I mean, what is the other alternative?

Fruit Flies and Fat~

Last year at this time of year I asked my friend if she had a problem with fruit flies. The conversation went like this:
Me - "Do you have a problem with fruit flies?"
Her - "No"
Her - "Then again, I don't eat fruit"
She is a bigger girl too but in some ways I envy her. I have known her for 8 years and can only really remember her being on one diet. She is the first one in a bathing suit at the beach. When the waiter is bringing her a plate of food she does this little happy dancing while still sitting.
Who is really in the better place, me who is constantly trying to change or her the one who is content with who she is, or is it an act on her part?

Brownies for Dinner?

Sometimes I like to imagine a world in which I didn't have to worry about calories. I mean, come on, I have been worrying about weight for the majority of my life. I see some people at work contemplating in front of the vending machine and I think what it must be like to just pick something, no second thoughts.

Of course judging from my waistline you wouldn't probably think that I spend so much time thinking about what I eat, but I do. If I am in public and order a healthy salad I think are ppl thinking who is she kidding? If I decide on burger and fries I think are ppl thinking she doesn't need that! What the F**k is wrong with them that they have to judge me? Ok Candace step away from the brownie and nobody needs to get hurt.

I thought fat people were supposed to be jolly.

In my weight watcher meeting yesterday the discussion topic was "making time for yourself". We had to write down how much time in a day did we need to focus on our weight loss and how much time we actually had.

So many of the women in my meetings are older with children, husbands, grandchildren, etc. They are always putting the needs of their families in front of their own. I don't. Honestly, I used to be that way in the past and it got me nowhere.

Don't get me wrong, its just me, my fiance and my cat here and I spoil them all the time but I have decided that I have to put myself first. My fiance and I were best friends for years before we started dating and we saw each other though bad relationships, we learned from them and are in an excellent place now.

I don't have trouble saying no to other people's requests when they conflict with me doing what is needed for me to lose weight and I reach out to my fiance for extra help all the time.

Sometimes in my ww meeting I just want to thump some woman in the heads, is that mean? MAKE YOURSELF IMPORTANT PEOPLE. Men cannot read your minds and if you ask them to do the dishes they will, they can be great.

A lady in my meeting is at least 80 and every week wants to be praised for practically starving herself. Her children threw her and her husband a 50th wedding anniversary and she spent 2 weeks talking about how she hated it and was only going to drink water at it. Drove me nuts. Please ppl if I am 80 and still trying to lose weight, just shoot me.

Strike a pose.

This week was of course Canadian Thanksgiving. I hosted for the in-laws which may be some sort of self-destruction since I love my cooking, and have since been surrounded by the leftovers. I actually did pretty good considering. I didn't come close to eating as much as I would have in the past and have been trying to use positive self talk. Instead of being disappointed in myself for eating too much dessert I will focus on the fact that I didn't eat any of the Halloween treats or chips I had put out for my guests. I really think that this has made me really good the rest of the week with my walks and eating. In the past I would get myself so worked up in a negative manner that I would just start continue over-eating until I completly wrecked my entire week. Weight in is tomorrow morning so we'll have to wait and see. I did notice that my double chin is getting smaller and for anyone who knows me this is a major deal for me. My fiance is obsessed with taking pics and a double chin is hard to hide.

Before, during, after~

I figured this is as good a time as any to post my before pic. Over the years I have tried every diet under the sun so needless to say I have many before pics. I figure that if I finally post some pics that it will help me stay motivated to this weight loss journey cause I will want to post after pics. Me and my fiance took these pics while joking around one night and thought it would be really funny if I looked super sad like you see on most before and after pics, haha. This pic was taken when I was 245.6. I am currently 228.8 and hoping to get to 128. I gained the weight when I was in a bad relationship and I was very unhappy. I am really happy now and hoping I can finally make up for lost time. This is me at 228.8~

Quality time for 1

I love my fiance with all my heart, really I do. We work together, live together, pretty much spend every waking moment together. I need a few minutes to breathe. A lot of ppl would love to have my problems, haha. Our car is in the shop and while he usually goes to the gym in the mornings he has been joining me on my walks and it is nice but I think I just got accustomed to that being me time. I'll get over it. I have gotten in so much exercise this week and have been following my points to a t, hopefully it will pay off on the scale. This week has felt so long compared to last week, I am looking forward to the long weekend-I am having thanksgiving for the in-laws here so that will be even more challenging for me with the weight loss as I will be the one with the leftovers. Did I mention turkey is one of my favorite foods? I have lots of favorites.

Forget working for the weekend-I'm working for the work week.

I spend the entire work week looking forward to the weekend so I can relax. And don't get me wrong-I definately do relax but with trying to eat healthy and working nights I have to prep on the weekends. If I am going to get in my walk, my sleep, work, and a little down time during the week it means extra chores on the weekend like bagging veggies, cooking chicken breasts, etc. Eating healthy can be so exhausting. This weekend our car broke down and the dealership can't get in the part til Monday so it was good for me cause I already got in an extra walk towards the week. I didn't even blog about losing 2.2 pds last week. I'm super excited to get those results, it makes all the walks and point tracking worth it. I use my flex points every week but not my activity points, a lot of ppl from my meeting don't use the extra points but I figure I will continue to do so unless as I get closer to goal I hit a plateau but even then I think I would rather up the activity cause I love to eat, haha. I don't know what it is but the more I diet the more I enjoy cooking, something I always enjoyed must be the super awareness of food or something but this weekend I made homemade bread for the first time and choc dipped oat cakes. My fiance is more in love than ever since I now know how to make homemade bread, it really is true the way to a mans heart is through his stomach, haha.

Flabby Fibbers

I just found out at work that I might be able to get a day shift (5-1:30pm). I have been waiting for this for four years-would rather 8-4 but what can you do? The thing is I love my weight watcher leader and her meeting is 8:30 on fridays. I will have to find another meeting I can love just the same.
What I like about Ann (my fearless leader) is that she is so honest about weight loss and her challenges. She has been at goal for the last 12 years but she still struggles with her love of sweets daily. In the past I ended up quitting weight loss programs because I would be sitting in a room with all these other women and the occasional man and we all have weight issues and we'd be discussing portion control or something and a women who is about 100 pounds over weight is like 3 ozs of chicken is so much I couldn't even eat it if I tried. WHAT? I find that hard to believe-I could probably de-bone a chicken in one sitting. What a strange thing to lie about.
Anyways I walked 6 times this week and even up this huge hill that you would have thought was everest by the way I sweat, my weigh in is tomorrow-yay.